Harry Potter Is A Jerk
by KRJ0792XX1
Summary: Harry Potter is the biggest jerk on the planet, and he wants everyone to know it. Thanks to his unfortunate childhood with the Dursleys, the manipulations of Dumbledore, and the loss of his parents, Harry is done with all pleasantries and just doesn't care about anything. Watch as the Boy-Who-Lived voices his nasty comments for all to hear. Rated M for obscene language.
1. Chapter 1: HP - TBWDGAF

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **Summary:** Harry Potter is the biggest jerk on the planet, and he wants everyone to know it. Thanks to his unfortunate childhood with the Dursleys, the manipulations of Dumbledore, and the loss of his parents, Harry is done with all pleasantries and just doesn't care about anything. Watch as the boy-who-lived voices his nasty comments for all to hear. Rated M for obscene amounts of language.

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 **Chapter 1: Harry Potter - The Boy Who Doesn't Give A Fuck**

The year is 1991. The location is London, specifically Number 4 Privet Drive. Inside this house lives the Dursley family, plus one very demented little boy by the name of Harry James Potter. It's not his fault, however. Thanks to his horrendous childhood abuse from his Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, and fat ass cousin Dudley, Harry became resentful towards others. That was strike one.

A year after Harry was born, his parents went into hiding from the Dark Lord Voldemort and his Death Eater Minions. When the boy's mother and father met their end from Voldemort, the evil wizard drew his wand and performed the killing curse on the child. Somehow the spell backfired on Voldemort and killed him instead. After Harry was taken by Albus Dumbledore to his relative's house, the rest of the witches and wizards celebrated the death of the evilest person in history. Harry was famous in the wizarding world, but no one ever cared to check up on him to see if he was alright. That was strike two.

Finally, when Harry received his letter from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, he was greeted unannounced by the half-giant Hagrid. From there, Hagrid described what happened to the boy's past as best he could, and how the wizarding world worked. None of this information was important. This only caused more pain for Harry, because if this world was so great, then magic could have saved his parents, made his life better, and it wouldn't have made him ignorant to the ways of the wizarding community. That was strike three, and the final straw overall. From now on, Harry was done with trying to be nice to others. He would express his opinions openly to all who could listen and make sure the world suffered as much as he did.

The funny thing is Harry is not a bad person, nor is he too dark. The only thing to know is that Harry James Potter doesn't give a flying fuck about anything, and is a massive egotistical jerk. On the first of September, Harry was led to the train station. Thankfully the dim-witted oaf, Hagrid, was smart enough to bring him there, but something came up at the last minute.

"Blimey is that the time? I'm sorry but I've got to go, Harry! Dumbledore will be wanting ... well he will be wanting to see me." said Hagrid.

"So? Your concerns mean nothing to me, you obese moron."

Hagrid did not seem to hear him, so he continued with what he was saying.

"Your train leaves in ten minutes, and here's your ticket. Please make sure you stick with it, Harry. Stick with your ticket."

Hagrid then gave Harry his ticket for the train, but the giant conveniently forgot to tell the boy about how to get on the train in the first place. As he looked at the ticket, Harry became more confused by the second.

"Platform 9 and ... 3/4? What ... the ... fuck? Hagrid, what the hell is this?" Harry said. He looked around but the gigantic man was nowhere to be found.

"Of course. Just my fucking luck." Harry grumbled underneath his breath. "I guess I should find Platforms 9 and 10 and then see if there's a way to find 9 and 3/4."

Harry made his way over to the columns that represented Platform 9 on one side and Platform 10 on the other. There were several people walking on both sides but none of them seemed to be going to a platform that was between the two numbers. There was only one thing to do: ask some poor sod for help.

"Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 and 3/4?" Harry asked one of the officers near the trains.

"9 and 3/4? Being a smart-ass huh, kid?"

"No, not this time officer."

"Get out of here you brat!" the officer yelled.

Harry backed away from the deranged officer of the law and continued to look for some kind of way to find this unimaginable platform that may or may not exist.

"This is pointless." Harry said aloud. "If I continue to ask people, they'll think I'm a god damn prankster and just wave me off. Someone should have told me how to get onto this platform. I wonder ..."

Harry stopped talking when he heard an obnoxiously loud red-headed woman and her numerous kids walking around the station.

" ... packed with muggles of course. Come on kids. Platform 9 and 3/4 is this way!" The woman said very loudly.

 _"Why is she yelling so loudly? I thought we weren't supposed to reveal we are wizards to muggles. Whatever. I guess I should follow them. At least they'll be more helpful than Hagrid or that bastard security guard."_ Harry thought.

The boy followed closely behind the red-headed family. There appeared to be six of them: The obnoxious older woman, a very serious older looking boy, a set of male twins, a short female midget, and some kind of boy that was slightly taller than the female midget. Suddenly the odd looking family stopped and the obnoxious woman began speaking to her kids again.

"Percy, you go first."

The serious boy, who apparently was named Percy, began running towards the wall that was between Platforms 9 and 10. He was pushing a cart with a ton of books, a suitcase, and a lot of black looking robes.

"Oh man. Does he want to get hurt or something? If he keeps going, the cart will crash into the wall and he'll break his legs. Oh please break your legs you idiot. I could use some entertainment today." Harry chuckled to himself.

The boy, unfortunately, did not slam himself into the wall like Harry believed. The boy and his cart vanished through the wall and appeared to not have been hurt at all. Harry's jaw dropped in surprise. How in the hell did he go through the wall? Harry was determined to find out how, but first, it seemed like the twins were going in next.

"Fred, George, you next." The woman said while gesturing at one of her sons.

"He's not Fred. I am!" One of the twins said while pointing at the other.

"Honestly woman. You call yourself our mother."

"Oh sorry, George. Go on ahead"

The boy took his cart and readied himself to go through the barrier. Before he took off, he said this to his mother:

"Only joking, Mum. I am Fred." Fred said. With that, he ran through the barrier with his brother George directly behind him.

 _"Ok, that was pretty funny. I just hope they don't do this all the time in school. That gag will get old real quick."_ Harry thought. _"I guess this would be a good time to ask for help from these red-heads."_

"Excuse me?" Harry said while directing attention to the rest of the family. "Can you tell me how this works?"

"Oh, certainly young man. Are you going to Hogwarts, too?" The red-headed mother asked.

"Obviously. Otherwise, I wouldn't have asked now would I? Now can you please tell me how this trick works?"

"Not to worry dear. It's Ron's first time going to Hogwarts as well!" The mother gestured her hand towards her youngest son.

"Yeah. Great. Can you fucking tell me now or should I find someone who can?"

"All you have to do is walk straight at the wall between Platforms 9 and 10. Best do it at a bit of a run if you're nervous." The mother stated. She appeared to not have heard his comments just like Hagrid.

 _"What is wrong with everyone? Can these people not hear that I'm insulting them? What is this insanity?"_ Harry thought to himself. He was pretty confused about the whole thing, but then decided it was not worth the effort. As he readied his cart to go through the barrier, the midget girl spoke to him.

"Good luck."

"What do I need luck for? Am I going to get hurt in there? Your comment is only making this experience worse for me! Fuck you!" Harry yelled at the little girl with an extreme amount of aggravation in his voice.

Before he took off running, Harry noticed the girl was giggling at his comment and started to blush before him. The mother figure also seemed to be smiling, and Ron was grinning as if he had told a joke or something.

"Fuckin' weirdos." Harry mumbled under his breath.

The Potter boy then ran through the barrier and found himself on the other side of the platform. A red train was starting to steam its engine and the words "Hogwarts Express" were written on the side. Harry moved towards the train and got one of the assistants to help him with his bags.

"Oh hello, little boy. Is this your first year at Hogwarts?"

"Oh wow. What gave it away? Maybe it's because I'm a small kid, and don't know what I'm doing?"

"Oh no! Are you lost? Do you need some assistance?"

"No, you idiot I'm not lost. Here's all of my luggage. If you get any of my items damaged, I'll gut you like a fish." Harry said to the man whilst completely ignoring his question.

"Oh good. I'm glad you're in the right place! Now if you give me your bags, I will stow them away for you under the train. This is standard procedure for all first years, ok?"

"Look I really don't care. Just take my shit already!" Harry said while almost thrusting his items at the man.

"Thank you, young man. Have a great year!"

"Oh go fuck yourself!" Harry yelled as he got on the train.

With his luggage safely on board, Harry made his way through the train to find one of the compartments. After a few minutes of searching, the boy found one that was completely empty and had a window facing the way he came in. While looking down, Harry could see the red-head family once again and it looked like the mother was scolding Ron for something he did. As Harry snickered at the boy's misfortune, he noticed the little girl from earlier wave at him down below. Instead of waving back, like any sane human being would have, Harry smiled and then gave the girl the middle finger. His smile immediately faded and turned into a sour frown. Once again the girl giggled and blushed as if nothing Harry did even happened at all.

The train started blowing the horn and soon enough it was moving towards the magical school Harry had known so little about. Whatever surprises were in store for him, Harry had the feeling he wouldn't be happy. It was bad enough that he was forced to go to this school in the first place, but no one even bothered to mention what the school was like or what kind of classes he would be taking.

Nearly half an hour later, Harry was looking out the window and minding his own business when that red-head boy, Ron, opened the door.

"Excuse me. Do you mind if I join you? Everywhere else is full."

"I do mind actually."

"Great. Thanks." Ron said as he sat down right in front of Harry.

"I said I did mind you sitting here. Do you have wax in your ears, you little fuck-nugget?"

"I'm Ron by the way. Ron Weasley." Ron said while extending his hand for Harry to shake. It was at this moment that in Ron's other hand was a rat that seemed to be really old and disgusting. The Weasley boy set down the rat and turned his attention back to Harry.

"Great. I'm Harry Potter. Now get yourself, and your disgusting rat, out of my compartment." Harry stated while not shaking Ron's hand at all. All of a sudden Ron's eyes widened and it appeared he was about to suffer a stroke. Somehow during all of this, Ron's hand dropped to his side.

"You ... you're Harry Potter? So it's true! Do you really have the scar?"

"Yep."

"Can I see it, Harry?"

"No. Please get the fuck out of my compartment." Harry angrily said to the ignorant boy.

"Wicked! That's some scar there, Harry."

"What the hell ..." Harry tried to say but he was interrupted by someone pushing a cart and then opened the door.

"Anything off the trolly dears? We got tons of snacks and candies here for everyone!" The trolly cart lady said. She appeared to be in her late sixties and had a long head of grey hair on her head. The woman was too nicely dressed for someone who only handed out treats on the train, but Harry didn't seem to care that much.

"No thanks. I'm all set." Ron admitted. He appeared to be holding a bag of goat shit in his hand and the sight of it made Harry want to vomit.

"What kind of candies do you have?" Harry asked.

"We have licorice wands, pumpkin pasties, Bertie Bot's Every Flavor of Beans, chocolate frogs, chocolate liquor cauldrons, ..." the older woman said to Harry, but he stopped her instantly.

"Wait. Did you say "chocolate liquor cauldrons"? Damn, I would kill for some alcohol right now."

"Oh I'm sorry dear but I cannot sell those candies to minors. You have to be at least seventeen to eat these candies. Don't despair though. It will only be a few years until you can have them."

"Then why the hell did you say you had them in the first place? What kind of fucked up masochist ... " Harry tried to say but the trolly woman cut him off.

"Can I sell you anything else, dear?"

"I want those liquor candies you old hag. How much for them?" Harry demandingly asked. The old woman appeared to be getting a little short with him and proceeded to answer accordingly.

"Young man. Please listen carefully. I can't sell you these candies because you are not old enough ..."

"Oh yeah? How much will this get me?" Harry asked as he pulled out a mountain of galleons from his pocket. The woman's eyes bulged out of her sockets and instantly changed her mind about selling the alcohol filled candies to Harry.

"That will get you everything on the cart, plus these liquor candies, and then some."

"Great. Now give me everything." Harry demanded. Five minutes later, the trolly cart woman emptied her entire stash of food and placed it all inside of the cart. The hag took her leave and Harry immediately headed for the alcohol filled candies. At first, Harry wanted to devour them all and get drunk off of those chocolate morsels, but then he had a better idea.

"Hey, Ron? I got an idea. Why don't you have some of these candies? In fact, take them all!"

"Wow thanks, Harry!" Ron said as he began eating the liquor cauldrons.

After a few of the candies were eaten, Ron complained about the taste of the alcohol, but Harry wasn't having any of his bullshit today. The Boy-Who-Lived ordered Ron to eat all the booze candies that he paid for. Seeing that Ron didn't have a choice in the matter, he agreed and decided to eat the candies anyway. Harry was chuckling through it all the way as Ron made faces of disgust. All to soon the door to the compartment opened and a girl with extremely bushy brunette hair entered without even asking for permission.

"Have any of you seen a toad? A boy named Neville lost him and is trying to find it." The girl asked both Harry and Ron.

"No. Now get the fuck out of my ..." Harry tried to say but the girl interrupted him.

"Oh, my! Are you doing magic?" The girl asked while directing her question towards Harry.

"How the fuck would I be doing magic? I'm sitting here, surrounded by candies, sugary sweets, other bullshit pieces of chocolate, and my wand is in my pocket. How on earth do I perform magic anyways? I don't know anything about this stuff, and I don't even know how to do magic in the first place!" Harry yelled with a ton of confusion in his voice.

"Well let's see then!" The girl answered back in a cheerful voice.

"My god you people are insane." Harry responded while he pulled out his wand, but Ron beat him to the punch. He cleared his throat, then turned his wand on his pet rat.

"Sunshine daisies. Butter mellow. Turn this stupid fat rat yellow!" Ron exclaimed. The wand produced some light from the incantation but nothing happened whatsoever to the rat.

"Was that even a spell, or did you just make up something on the spot?" Harry asked.

"No, it's not a real spell, Harry. It wasn't even a very good incantation now was it? Of course, I've tried a few simple spells myself, but they've all worked for me." The girl said as she sat down on the opposite side of the seat from Harry and Ron. While she was speaking, Ron gave Harry a "who the fuck is this chick?" look.

"Well bully for you then. Is your ego that big that you have to proclaim your brilliance everywhere you go?" Harry asked the girl. The Boy-Who-Lived couldn't tell if this annoying girl could hear his question or not and instead started to show off.

"For example, here's a spell I discovered recently." The girl said while aiming her wand at Harry's glasses. _"Oculus Repairen."_

The damage to Harry's glasses was instantly fixed and his frames became brand new once more. Even though this girl was irritating, Harry was impressed with her magical prowess. He was even considering thanking the girl, but she just had to start talking again.

"That's better isn't it?" The girl asked smugly.

"Wow you're really just fishing for compliments aren't you?"

"That was amazing! I can't believe I've never seen that spell before!" Ron interjected while completely ignoring Harry's sarcastic comment.

Harry said nothing but just rolled his eyes instead. The girl looked him for a moment before gasping in shock.

"Holy cricket! You're Harry Potter! I'm Hermione Granger." The girl known as Hermione said. She then turned her attention to Ron. "And ... you are?"

"Uh ... Ron Weasley." He said with some licorice wand in his mouth.

"Pleasure. You two better get changed into your school robes. I suspect we'll be arriving soon." Hermione stated before the started to close the door. Just before she left, Hermione pointed out that Ron had some dirt on his nose. Harry laughed at that admission and then continued to get Ron drunk off of the chocolate cauldrons once again.

About an hour later, neither boy was dressed in their uniforms, but one of them was incredibly drunk. Ron Weasley had eaten all six boxes of chocolate liquor cauldrons and was slurring his words uncontrollably.

"Wassin you eatin candy Harry? I think Mum made me food, but I can't find it under my shoe. Why are the lights so bright in here?"

Harry was trying really hard not to laugh, but ended up laughing quietly under his breath. The really funny thing was Ron was STILL eating candy. He was already drunk off his ass at only eleven years old, but now he proved he had the metabolism of twenty grown men. Harry wondered how much food this whale could possibly eat before he exploded. He would have to test that theory out when he got to school.

"We will be arriving in twenty minutes at the Hogsmeade Station! Please get dressed in your school uniforms immediately!" One of the older students said while going up and down the train.

Harry started to grab his clothes and proceed into the nearest restroom to get changed. When he returned, Ron had his shirt on backwards, his shoes were on the wrong feet, and his robe was on top of his head.

"Did I do right, Harry? I can't see nuthin but I know I got clothes on." Ron admitted.

"You look fantastic, Ron. All the students need to start dressing like you." He exclaimed while trying his damnedest to not explode with laughter.

"Thassin great, Harry. You a realz pal you know dat?"

The train seemed to be slowing down at that precise moment and the students were filing out of the train to get to the school. The older students were directing the others out, and trying to get the first years into the boats.

"Oh I know, Ron. Come on. Let's get your ass out of here and on a boat." Harry said.

"Okaayy Hurray. Let's go boat rocking and get some fishhh!"

Harry had to grab Ron's arm so he wouldn't fall over himself. When the two exited the train, they were escorted over to the boats where the other first-year students were placed. With any luck, Ron and Harry would be in the same boat together so that the Boy-Who-Lived could get a front row seat to Ron possibly retching off the side of the boat.

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 **A/N: Ok this is meant to be a joke, so don't flood my inbox with death threats and hate mail. If you want me to write more to this story, then please let me know. Thanks for reading and look forward to more ... that is ... if anyone wants to hear more.**


	2. Chapter 2: The Sorting Hat is an Asshole

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry is royally pissed off when Hagrid leaves him at the train station without explaining how to get to the train. Harry meets the Weasleys, and Hermione, and is confused because it seems they don't hear his insults. Harry gets Ron drunk with chocolate cauldrons before they get off the train.

* * *

 **Chapter 2: The Sorting Hat is an Asshole!**

"Oh my god, Hermione. Shut the fuck up." Harry said to his "friend" that was sitting in the same boat as him.

When Harry dragged Ron's drunk ass off of the train, and the two of them headed to the boats, somehow Hermione, and that sniveling coward with the missing toad, Neville Longbottom, were all paired into a boat that was going to sail across the Black Lake of Hogwarts. Unfortunately for Harry, and everyone else actually, Hermione was blabbing non-stop about useless facts that she read about in some stupid magical book that no one had intended on reading. After listening to this bushy-haired fuck ramble on about the castle being built with indigenous materials, Harry was not going to take it anymore and proceeded to tell the girl to keep her mouth shut.

Hermione didn't hear him, however.

"Did you know that Hogwarts is the only magical school in England that caters to over 1000 different species in this lake alone? I remember reading about it ... " Hermione chatted away to what she hoped was everyone, but in fact, no one was listening.

"Fuck me sideways. I cannot listen to this bullshit any longer." Harry grumbled as he looked at his boat companion, Ron. "Hey, Ron? You still not feeling well?"

"Oh umm fine, Hurry. I can't (belch) wait for feast in Hagwurts" Ron slurred.

Harry proceeded to laugh at the redhead's antics. It was entirely his fault that Ronald Weasley, was not sober during this boat ride, and the boy was looking greener around the gills with each passing second. In order to speed up the process of Ron being sick everywhere, Harry, and surprisingly Neville Longbottom for some reason, began rocking the boat. The rocking caused small waves to splash on both sides of the boat and it was becoming hard for Ron to stay focused.

"I dun fall so guuud..." Ron complained as he realized that he was about to be sick. Just as he was about to lower his head near the lake to vomit, Ron accidentally fell into the water and then barfed all over the spot where he fell in underwater. Many of the other kids noticed that Ron fell in, but quickly stopped caring when they realized they were only a few feet away from arriving on land.

"Nice job, Neville." Harry said.

The boy was a bit shy because of the praise he was receiving but nevertheless thanked him. Harry didn't know if either one of them would ever become friends, but then again he had been wrong before. Like, say, hoping his aunt and uncle would give a shit about him.

The boats arrived at the docks of the castle and the students began filing out one by one. When everyone was out, the group began moving up the stairs that led to the Hogwarts Castle. One boy, however, was still in the water and needed assistance. No one came. Since Ron was left to fend for himself, he had to swim to shore and then hike up the rest of the way while still under the influence of alcohol. It was nearly fifteen minutes later when Ron caught up to the group near the doors to the Great Hall, and only one professor seemed to give a damn about him being late.

"Mr. Weasley! Why are you late? And why are you soaking wet?" Professor Minerva McGonagall asked.

"Ate too much and fell in the water. Then I swim here."

"Why did you fall in the water, Mr. Weasley?" McGonagall asked with some irritation at the fact that the boy was not very grammatical right now.

"I eat six boxes of liquor cauldrons and was tipsy, Ms. Witch person." Ron slurred again but it was a lot more clear than last time.

"Dear Godric, Mr. Weasley, you are unbelievable. Well, we don't have time to worry about it now. We are already late as it is."

With that, the Gryffindor Head of house began addressing the entire group at once.

"Welcome to Hogwarts. My name is Minerva McGonagall. In a few moments you will pass through these doors and join your classmates, but before you do, you will be sorted into your houses. The houses are Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Now while you're here, your house will be like your family. Your triumphs will earn you points. Any rule breaking, and you will lose points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points will be awarded the ..."

Professor McGonagall never got to finish her speech because the oaf that is Ron Weasley, yakked all over the floor once again. Most of the first year students started to gag as the vomit continued to excrete from the boy's body. After a minute straight of Ron vomiting, a very angry head of Gryffindor House pulled the redhead aside and started walking down the hallway.

"Where do you think she's taking Ron?" Hermione asked Harry.

"What? You mean the great Hermione Granger doesn't know where Ron is going? Oh heavens me, it seems the world is going to end now that Hermione doesn't know something." Harry sarcastically commented.

"I think she took Ron to the Hospital Wing. It's an entire wing of the castle that was built back in the earlier times when ..."

 _"Just fucking great. I answer her question, and now she won't shut up. What else could go wrong?"_ Harry thought. He was unfortunately just about to get that answer to his question.

"So it's true then? Like they're saying on the train? Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts." A slicked blonde haired boy with a creepy looking smile said aloud. Most of the first years began to whisper in hushed voices about Harry Potter being in their presence.

"This is Crabbe and Goyle. And I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy." Draco said to Harry.

Hermione began to snicker underneath her breath. She tried to hide it but since she was right near Harry and Draco, the sound was loud enough to hear from both parties.

"Think my name is funny, do you? What's yours, mud-blood?" Draco asked towards Hermione.

"It's Hermione Granger you prick."

"A prick am I? Who are you to insult me, bitch? I'll have you know ..."

Draco didn't get another single word out because Hermione slapped the ever-loving shit out of the boy. The slap was so hard that Malfoy tumbled down the stairs and accidentally took Crabbe and Goyle with him. The three of them hit the castle wall with a thud, and it was clear they were all knocked out.

Harry's eyes widened in surprise with the attitude that Hermione responded towards the blonde haired dickhead. He wasn't the only one though. It seems the rest of the first years were also shocked at the display of violence that this girl used on the pompous asshole that insulted her.

 _"Well well. Look at the stones on Hermione. I guess I misjudged her. I can only hope she gets less annoying, but standing up to Malfoy put her up a notch in my book."_ Harry thought.

"Nice job, Hermione. I'd go for the balls next time though." Harry said to her.

The bushy haired girl smiled a bit at his comment **.** The other kids around her seemed impressed as well and began giving her pats on the back and hoots. Moments later, the head of Gryffindor House returned with an entirely sober Ron Weasley in tow. She saw that the first years were all going a bit hysterical, so she stopped the ruckus immediately with a clearing of her throat.

"I'm glad to see you were able to behave yourselves while I was gone. Now that Mr. Weasley has been given a clean bill of health, we can finally head inside."

The doors to the castle suddenly opened and all of the kids were able to take in the sights of the Great Hall for the first time. The older students were all divided by their houses thanks to four incredibly long seating tables, and at the front, was a long table that held all the professors. Harry couldn't help but snicker at the annoyed man on the far right that had greasy hair, an abnormally long nose, and was dressed all in black. The man was clearly ticked off because the first years took longer than normal to get inside, but Harry didn't care whatsoever about his attitude. The boy decided that if this dick of a teacher wanted to go head to head with him, then it would definitely be a match to remember.

Professor McGonagall led the students up to the front where a ratty looking hat was on a stool was placed. When all the first years were surrounding the hat, McGonagall spoke once again.

"Now when I call your name, I will place the sorting hat on your head, and you will be sorted into your houses. Your names will be called randomly so please be prepared. First up is Hermione Granger."

Harry noticed that she was extremely nervous when heading up to the hat. The boy couldn't help rolling his eyes in annoyance. The hat didn't look dangerous and who cared what house they ended up in? It's not like anyone couldn't be friends with someone else who wasn't in the same house as them. The hat was placed on Hermione's head and it only took a moment, but suddenly the hat spoke out the word "GRYFFINDOR!"

The table of people wearing reds and golds started to cheer with applause. The older students seemed excited to get another person into their house, but Harry was quite annoyed.

"Is this how every house will great the new students? Get over yourselves, honestly." He muttered to himself.

"Susan Bones" said McGonagall.

Harry turned his attention to a red-headed girl who was kind of plump and seemed taller than most of the other girls in the group. She approached the hat, put it on, and then a moment later the hat spoke again.

"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Once again, the older students roared with applause but it was two tables over from where Gryffindor was.

"My god this is annoying." Harry said a bit louder.

"What house do you think you'll get into, Harry?" Ron asked him.

Professor McGonagall continued to call names in the background as Harry focused solely on the conversation with Ron instead.

"Oh, it's you. I thought you were drunk. How did you get here?"

"Didn't you hear? McGonagall cured me of being drunk with a potion!"

"Oh hooray. And here I thought the sorting would have some entertainment with you being drunk as a skunk."

"I hope I get into Gryffindor. My entire family was sorted there and I just hope the same thing can happen to me." Ron said as he chose to ignore Harry.

"That's just stupid. Wouldn't you want to be sorted somewhere else, Ron? Why not be different and go to another house?" Harry asked.

"Oh, I don't think my family would like that, Harry. They're not as accepting of the other houses except for Gryffindor." Ron admitted.

"Wow. Sounds like your parents are a bunch of ..." Harry tried to say but never got the chance.

"Ronald Weasley." McGonagall exclaimed.

With a nod, Ron moved from the group and went up to the hat. With a face of worry that rivaled Hermione, Ron waited for the hat to make its decision on where to place him. Ron was going to be safe though, for the hat gave him the choice he wanted.

"GRYFFINDOR!"

After Ron sat down at his table, McGonagall spoke up again.

"Draco Malfoy."

No one by that name appeared from within the group, so McGonagall tried again.

"Draco Malfoy. Please come to the front."

Again no one came. It was incredibly funny for Harry because he remembered that Malfoy and his two ogres for friends were knocked unconscious by Hermione. McGonagall didn't know that however, so she started to get a bit worried about losing a student.

"Has anyone seen Draco Malfoy this evening? Was he with any of you on the train?"

No one amongst the first years spoke a word for a few moments. It seems they were all fine with the fact that the blonde haired bitch was not going to come to the ceremony after all. Well, that would have been the case, if someone hadn't spoken up.

"P-Professor. Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle are over by the stairs back there." Neville Longbottom said to the professor while pointing back towards the entrance to the Great Hall.

"Why am I just now hearing about this?" McGonagall asked directing her question towards the first years.

"Because of ..." Neville tried to say but Harry nudged him a little hard in the ribs, so he changed his story. "They decided not to come in and just go to sleep, professor."

McGonagall had an annoyed look on her face as she decided to skip over the three boys on the list, who coincidentally were all next. Finally, it was time for a certain green-eyed, black-haired boy, to go next.

"Harry Potter."

Suddenly a ton of whispers and murmurs were heard all across the Great Hall. It seemed all the houses wanted a piece of Potter, and only one of them was going to be lucky this evening. It should have annoyed Harry once again, but instead, it felt a bit good to be wanted by so many people. The hat was placed on Harry's head, and all of a sudden the hat began speaking to him inside his head.

 _"Good evening, Mr. Potter. I have been looking forward to this meeting for some time."_ The hat said.

 _"I can hear you in my head. How are you doing this?"_ Harry asked.

 _"Magic my dear boy. I was created by the legendary Godric Gryffindor himself, so I know a thing or two about the capabilities of magic. Of course, when you're as old as I am anyway, wisdom and knowledge often come hand in hand"_

 _"Wow, you remind me of a friend of mine. She also had to boast about her self-worth all the time around everyone else too."_

 _"Not very nice are you, Mr. Potter?"_

 _"Not if you're going to be an egotistical prick. So where should I go? Have you already made up your mind?"_

 _"Not yet. It is difficult to place you. You do have courage, and your intelligence is quite high for someone so young, but then there's a lot of ambition in you as well. It seems that Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin would be best for you."_

 _"So not Hufflepuff then you old patched up traffic cone?"_

 _"Definitely not, asshole. You're too much of a little ass-sucker to be placed in such a prestigious house of that caliber."_ The hat answered back with some anger in its voice.

 _"Don't patronize me, hat. You and I both know that house is full of morons."_

 _"How dare you, Potter! I'll have you know that Hufflepuff has housed some of the most intellectual and prosperous minds of the last century. So bite your tongue you fucking brat!"_

 _"No need to be rude, you straw sewn fuckwad."_

 _"Oh but there is, Mr. Potter. I'm one of the only few individuals who can hear you swear like a sailor constantly, and as expected, you go above and beyond to put others down. Despite the fact you don't give two shits about anyone, I think it would be better to place you with others who value a sense of community. So Ravenclaw is out."_

 _"Wait. What do you mean you can hear me swear? I thought everyone was just tuning me out! What exactly is happening to me?"_

 _"Ha. You really think I'm going to answer you, Potter? No. You insult me, and then expect help in return, to which you have not even earned the right to my help at all. Go fuck yourself, Mr. Potter, and find out the answer on your own."_

 _"Whatever. Just sort me so I can get you off my head, and we don't have to talk to one another ever again."_

 _"With pleasure. In all my years as the Sorting Hat, I've never met an arrogant and egotistical bastard such as yourself. Now where to put you? I don't think Slytherin is a good place for you, but then again neither is Gryffindor because of your horrid attitude. In all honesty, I wish I didn't have to place you, and instead just send you to be an apprentice to the ever so useless Argus Filch."_ The Sorting Hat stated to the boy.

 _"Quit stalling and just tell me where I'm going, you fucking bastard of a sentient hat."_

 _"FINE! I have no choice but to place you somewhere that I can only hope will improve your attitude. You will be sorted into GRYFFINDOR!"_

The decrepit hat was finally taken off of Harry's head and it seemed as if the applause from the Gryffindor table was even louder than before.

 _"Of course those idiots would go wild after I get sorted into their house. Pathetic. I'm no hero, and that Voldemort guy is no Dark Lord. So why should I get any special treatment? Well, whatever. If they want to praise me as a god, fine. I'll milk it until I get bored."_ Harry thought.

The sorting continued in a similar fashion as the rest of the students from the group were sorted. Well ... almost all of them. When McGonagall finished reading off the list of names, the Great Hall doors suddenly opened, and Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle ran their way to the front.

"Nice of you to join us, gentlemen. I can't believe you three would decide amongst yourselves to skip the sorting ceremony. Do you want to be sent home?"

"It wasn't our fault, professor! That mud-blood Granger ..." Draco tried to say.

"Enough, Mr. Malfoy. I don't want to hear any more excuses from you or your friends tonight. Whichever house you end up in, I will take points away immediately, and the three of you will serve detention with me for the next two nights. Do I make myself clear?" McGonagall threatened.

"Very clear, professor." The boys muttered.

Of course, the three stooges were all sorted into Slytherin, and their head of house happened to be the greasy fuck with all the black clothes on. Harry thought this was typical bullshit thanks to the universe at work.

After getting an earful from McGonagall, the feast began. It seemed like only minutes later, even though it actually lasted an hour, when the students were taken up to their dorms to get ready for bed. The Gryffindors were taken up the flights of steps to their tower, and as soon as everyone was sorted to their proper bedroom dormitories, most of them went to sleep. Harry was one of them. He was quite tired after all the bullshit that happened to him today, and he was curious after what the Sorting Hat had said to him. It wasn't that important at the time, however, since sleep claimed the young man, and he drifted off into a peaceful slumber.


	3. Chapter 3: Potter vs The Professors

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville ride the boats to Hogwarts, but Ron falls in. At the sorting ceremony, Harry and the Sorting Hat curse each other. The Sorting Hat reveals that something is happening to Harry, but refuses to reveal why, because he was insulted.

* * *

 **Chapter 3: Potter vs The Professors**

"Okay. And why exactly should I care about that?" Harry asked Ron as they were walking down the halls of Hogwarts on their first day of school.

"Why? Because quidditch is great Harry! You can fly on a broom and score goals by throwing the quaffle into the posts! Not only that, but you can beat the bludger at other opponents to knock them off their brooms! The other position is ..." Ron rambled but Harry stopped listening and decided to cut him off.

"Wait a minute. You can hurt people by hitting a ball at other players in the air? And there's a chance they'll fall off their broom? That sounds amazing! I sure would like to get the chance to try out for that position then! When can I try out?"

"Oh, first years never make the house teams, Harry. The last time it was done was over a century ago."

"Then why in the bloody hell did you even mention it in the first place?"

"I love quidditch."

Harry sighed and instantly smacked his idiot friend upside the head. The redheaded boy complained of his minor injury then gave the Boy-Who-Lived a scowl, but it was quickly gone.

"I wonder how this next class is going to go." Harry said aloud.

"Oh, it's going to be dreadful. It's potions and Professor Snape is teaching it."

"Is that the asshole who was wearing black, has a long obscene nose, and was sneering at everyone last night?"

"Yeah, he's the worst. I hear he takes away points from all the other houses for no reason. I don't know if I can go to the next class."

"Why?" Harry asked.

"I'm scared."

"Then why, Ron, were you fucking sorted into Gryffindor?"

"I don't know!" Ron wailed at the top of his lungs. A few of the other students in the halls turned to see his exclamation of cowardice, and Harry felt a ton of second-hand embarrassment at the moment.

"Come on, Ron. Let's head to potions. It can't be any worse than our first class of the day." Harry stated.

"Oh fine. Let's go and get this over with." Run grumbled.

The first class of the day was Transfiguration. The two of them were late to Transfiguration class because of not being able to find where it was, but Harry didn't care. At first. Here's what happened:

* * *

 _The boys were five minutes late to class, but the redhead boy didn't seem to care. Ron was busy blabbing about not getting caught for being late, but it turned out that McGonagall was there all along. She is an animagus and was the cat that sat on top of the barstool at the front of the class. When she jumped off the stool and morphed into her human form, Ron was speechless._

 _"That was bloody brilliant!" Ron said._

 _"I have to agree. That was pretty badass, professor!" Harry said._

 _"Thank you for that assessment boys. Would either of you mind explaining why you are late to my class?" McGonagall asked dryly._

 _"We got lost, professor." said Ron._

 _"No, professor, that's not correct. RON got lost and I stupidly followed his dumbass around. He said he knew where we were going!" Harry exclaimed._

 _"Did you bother to ask for a map, Mr. Weasley? No? Well, there are plenty around the school. We have them in case you need one, or get lost. Now I trust the both of you don't need a map to find your seats?" McGonagall said while ignoring Harry's comment._

 _"No professor." The boy muttered._

 _"Good. Now please sit and copy the notes on the board."_

 _The boys sat down in their chairs and started to copy the notes. All too quickly, Harry discovered that using a quill and ink was fucking hard._

 _"How the hell do you use this thing? The ink slides right off!" Harry muttered a bit louder than what was considered normal._

 _"Sshh! You need to be quiet, Harry." Hermione said._

 _"No. You be quiet you asshole! Professor?"_

 _Professor McGonagall turned her attention to Harry Potter._

 _"Is there a reason why you haven't started to copy the notes on the board, Mr. Potter? My instructions were perfectly clear."_

 _"Actually yes I do have a reason. You see, using a quill and ink was last used in the dark ages, and humans have evolved to the point where using these outdated things is ridiculous. Why can't we use something else?"_

 _"Oh, so you prefer not to take notes, Mr. Potter?"_

 _"Where did I say that I didn't want to take notes? Are you even listening? I'm stating that using a quill and ink is fucking stupid and I want to use a pen instead!"_

 _"If your quill is not working, Mr. Potter, then I suggest you go out and get a new one as soon as possible. I will let you borrow mine for the week, but I expect it to be returned next Monday."_

 _"I'm not using this damn feather to write anything. The ink slips off and whenever I write I just tear through the page with its incredibly sharp end."_

 _"Mr. Potter, as I've said already get yourself a new quill and return mine as soon as possible. Now head to your seat and start copying the board immediately!"_

 _Harry had no choice but to comply and go back to his desk. Since the quill he was given this time didn't do any better, he pretended to write notes instead. Professor McGonagall was none the wiser._

* * *

Now we are back to the present. Harry and Ron had just sat down in the dungeon-like room of the Potions class, while the rest of the class started to reluctantly pile in. Hermione decided to take a seat on the bench next to Harry, but since he was still miffed that she got on his case in Transfiguration, the boy gave her a sneer. Like normal, Hermione only gave him a smile back. Harry was really starting to get annoyed by no one seeming to hear him or see his rude antics. Suddenly the door to the potions class abruptly opened as if someone kicked it open with incredible force. The greasy black haired professor then started to speak to his victims, I mean, students.

"There will be no foolish wand waving, or silly incantations in this class. As such, I am not expecting all of you to appreciate the exact science and fine art that is potion making. However, for those select few, who possess the capabilities, I can teach you to bewitch the mind and ensure the senses. I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death."

Harry was extremely bored by the time the potions master finished his long backwinded speech. Peh. Who cares about potions when you can simply just jam your wand up your opponent's ass with a blasting spell and send them to the stratosphere? With a rather obnoxious yawn, Harry made it completely obvious that he didn't give two fucks about being in this class.

"Then again. Maybe some of you have come to Hogwarts with abilities so formidable that you feel confident enough to not pay attention!" Snape grunted.

Harry looked at the professor's eyes and could see that the older man was giving him a death glare.

"Were you referring to me, professor?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter, I was. Since you feel you are so superior in potion making, perhaps I should quiz you to find out what exactly your tiny mind knows?"

"Excuse me? My mind is not …"

"Tell me, Mr. Potter, what would I get if I added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?"

Harry stared blankly back at the potions professor. The boy had no idea what the answer was, but it was clear this jackass was trying to make him look like a fool. Harry did notice that Hermione had shot her hand up so fast that she may as well have dislocated her shoulder.

"How the hell am I supposed to know that? Where would I even begin to find something like that professor?" Harry almost yelled back.

"So you are claiming that you don't know the answer, Mr. Potter?" Snape said while ignoring Hermione's hand in the air.

"Obviously."

"Well then let's try again. Where, Mr. Potter, would you look if I asked you to find me a bezoar?" Snape jabbed at Harry.

Hermione shot her hand up once again. Harry was starting to get really annoyed with her, and this dickhead of a teacher as well.

"Once again, how the hell am I supposed to know …" Harry tried to ask.

"Oh, it seems the celebrity of Hogwarts doesn't know this one either! Well, let's try one more time. What is the difference between monkshood and wolfsbane?"

Hermione shot her hand up again. What a surprise. You'd think that after two times of Snape not choosing her to answer the question, she'd get the hint, but no. It seemed that Snape was hellbent on not choosing Hermione to answer the questions, and instead wanted to prey on the ignorant Harry Potter.

"What does it matter if I try to answer your question? You can tell I don't know the answer, so can you please get off my fucking back you prick?"

"What a pity. Clearly, fame isn't everything is it, Mr. Potter?"

"Ok, that's it, Professor Snape. Clearly, Hermione knows the answers to all of these questions, so why not ask her? It seems to me that you want to embarrass me in front of the entire class on purpose!"

Instead of answering Harry, like a normal professor of any school would Snape decided to take it one step further and walk right in front of the table that Harry was sitting at. He positioned himself on the opposite side and began speaking to the boy.

"Put your hand down you silly girl." Snape stated to Hermione. A look of worry swept across her face and she immediately put her hand away.

"For your information, Potter, asphodel, and wormwood make a sleeping potion so powerful it is known as the Draught of Living Death. A bezoar is a stone taken from the stomach of a goat and it will save you from most poisons. As for monkshood and wolfsbane, they are the same plant, which also goes by the name of aconite."

"Am I supposed to be impressed or something, professor? Clearly, you know more about this subject than me, so your boastful attitude only makes yourself look like a jackass."

Once again. Snape ignored the miscreant and instead asked the entire class another question.

"Well? Why aren't you all copying this information down?" The potions master drawled. He then got up from the bench and made his way back to the podium. While he was making his way up to the front, Draco Malfoy, the blonde haired bastard, turned around and gave Harry a wicked smile that could only mean he was pleased that Snape got on the boy's case.

"Oh and Gryffindors, note that five points will be deducted from your house for your classmate's cheeky remarks." Snape said directing his response towards Harry Potter once again.

"Arse." Harry muttered under his breath.

Potions class continued to drag on for the remaining hour and a half. During that time, Snape not only continued to pick on Harry, but another boy by the name of Neville Longbottom as well. Apparently, Neville had forgotten a key ingredient in the potion they were trying to brew today, and the result caused the cauldron to explode in his face. The poor boy had to be taken to the Hospital Wing, but thankfully it didn't look to be anything serious. Harry secretly hoped that Snape would have been close so he could have gotten some of the blasts. Unfortunately, this didn't happen. Maybe next time Harry would get his wish.

 _"Hmm... I should talk to Neville sometime. I'm sure he dislikes Snape as much as me. He may be a fucking klutz around the classroom, but perhaps we can pull some good old fashioned revenge on that git when the time is right."_ Harry thought to himself.

As Harry, Hermione, and Ron left the potions classroom, the three young Gryffindors realized they were famished. The three of them headed to their usual spot on the Gryffindor table and began eating. Although, Ron was shoving food into his mouth as if he had just discovered what eating was for the first time and couldn't get enough. Hermione was instantly disgusted by the red-headed boy's behavior and tried her best to block out the sounds of him chewing and munching on his food. The girl couldn't handle it.

"RONALD WEASLEY, STOP CHEWING LIKE A COW WHEN YOU EAT YOUR FOOD! GOOD GODRIC, THAT IS THE MOST DISGUSTING SOUND I'VE EVER HAD THE DISPLEASURE TO HEAR!"

Most of the students, and faculty, within the Great Hall, heard Hermione, and if somehow they didn't, they were probably deaf. Harry's eyes popped out of his head and he was blown away by the amount of ferocity that was contained inside of this little brainiac. Harry turned to his right to see Ron's face go completely pale. It looked like the poor sod was going to fall over from fear any second. Once again, Harry was really confused as to why Ron was even sorted into Gryffindor at all.

"Miss Granger! Detention with Professor McGonagall tonight for your incredibly rude remark!" One of the professors at the said from the table at the front. It was somewhat of a squeaking sound which meant it could only belong to one person: Filius Flitwick, the Charms Professor.

The man was a midget. That's it. Ok, there was more to it than that. He was about three feet tall, had a bushy white beard and was balding on top. Harry had never heard this man speak before and almost laughed himself silly once his squeaky voice rang throughout the Great Hall. The man's voice was reminiscent of a small dog that people carried around with them all day, but it somehow spoke English.

Hermione was red in the face with embarrassment after yelling so loudly at Ron, but accepted her punishment and continued to eat the remainder of her lunch. Ron tried his hardest to not sound like a pig slurping on slop again but still failed. In retaliation, Hermione took her copy of " _Hogwarts, A History"_ and smacked the red-headed fuck upside the head. Since Ron wasn't expecting it, he banged his head on the table and then abruptly fell underneath the Gryffindor table. Most of the students around Harry, Ron, and Hermione, laughed, and it seemed that none of the other professors were able to witness what just happened.

About ten minutes later, lunch had ended and Ron's small concussion had healed. Although no one knew how many brain cells he had actually lost during the sneak attack Hermione had done on him, and neither did he. The trio of friends then headed over to their final class for the day: Charms. Harry couldn't wait because he would hear this small dwarf for about two hours straight and would probably be laughing the entire time. Minutes later, the Charms classroom was filled up with the first year students, and the professor approached the class.

"Good afternoon class! My name is Professor Filius Flitwick. This is the first year Charms Class, and we will be discussing some very important magical spells that will assist you in the many years to come. Remember, even the simplest of spells can be some of the best tools at your disposal. Right! Now let's do a roll call. I will be calling your names in random order."

 _"Again with this random order bullshit. Why not just go with alphabetical order? There's a greater chance that you will miss some students and never even realize they're here!"_ Harry thought to himself while rolling his eyes.

"Ok first is Hermione Granger."

"Here"

"Ron Weasley?"

"Here."

"Harry Potter?"

"Present."

"Mr. Potter, could you just say "here" from now on? It makes it less confusing for me." Professor Flitwick asked.

"Is saying "present" really that big of a deal, Professor Flitwick?" Harry asked with a lot of confusion.

"Actually yes. I'm very particular about how things are done, and if they aren't done that way, I can't perform my duties effectively."

"So let me get this straight you little dwarf. The ability for you to teach depends on the balance of me falling in line with everyone else? What kind of idiot are you?"

"Thank you, Mr. Potter. Draco Malfoy?"

"Present."

"Mr. Malfoy! Did you not hear me ask Mr. Potter to not say present and instead say "here"? Five points from Slytherin!"

"That request is beneath me, professor. I'm going to say present and that's final." Draco said in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Fine. Then every time you say "present" instead of "here" I will take more points away than the previous time. So I'll ask you one final time. Draco Malfoy, are you here?"

 _"Wow, he has an extreme case of OCD."_ Harry thought to himself.

"Yes, I'm here, professor." Draco said but he also snuck in a swear underneath his breath without Flitwick noticing.

"Good. Now I'll continue with roll call if no one else minds?" Filius Flitwick asked the class.

No one spoke up, so the small professor continued with roll call for the next two minutes. When he was finished, the small man began to explain what spell they were going to explore today.

"One of a wizard's most rudimentary skills is levitation, or the ability to make objects fly. Now, do you all have your feathers?"

No one said anything again. However, Hermione thought it was necessary to pick up her feather and shake it proudly. She might as well have said _"Oh yes professor here's my feather! Look at how efficient I am by bringing my things to class! I'M THE BEST STUDENT EVER!"_ Harry was seriously done with Hermione's bullshit for today. He was going to have to pull a prank on her, and soon. Maybe she would lighten up a little afterward, but Harry wasn't going to hold his breath on that one.

"Very good class. Don't forget the nice wrist movement we've been practicing. Everyone practice with me. _Swish_ and _Flick_!" Flitwick said to the class while doing the precise wand movement himself.

"Swish and Flick!" The rest of the class repeated back.

"Excellent! Now enunciate this spell: _Wingardium Leviosa_. Off you go then!" Flitwick announced.

All around the class, Harry could hear the other students try to enunciate the spell to the best of their abilities. It was pretty hysterical. Most of them didn't appear to have heard the professor because they were saying things such as:

"Wingardrum Lebioda!"

"Wangandring Devioba!"

"Wingard Levosa!"

To prove he was not a dumbass as the rest of his class, Harry spoke the spell correctly. The boy was successful with the levitation spell but decided to not let the feather get too high. He didn't want to draw attention to himself, unlike someone else he knew. Harry's class partner, Seamus Finnigan, was one of the people saying " _Wingard Levosa_ " over and over again. Harry snickered each time Seamus messed up.

"WINGARDRUM LEVIOSSA!" Ron Weasley was shouting at his feather just one row below Harry. The ginger boy's wand movements were also close to a stabbing motion too. The Boy-Who-Lived would have found this even funnier than what Seamus was doing, but of course, Hermione had to butt in.

"Stop, stop, stop, Ronald. You're going to poke someone's eye out. Besides you're saying it wrong. It's Wing-ard-ium Levi-o-sah. Not whatever you muttered."

"Oh yeah? Well, why don't you try it if you're so clever! Go on!" Ron said to goad Hermione. With the flick of her wand, the girl stated the charm correctly, and suddenly the feather was floating in the air. Most of the class stopped what they were doing in order to see the floating feather.

"Oh well done! See here everyone! This girl has done it!" Professor Flitwick stated to the class.

All of a sudden an explosion erupted from Seamus Finnigan's wand that not only caused minor burns to himself but completely destroyed his feather as well.

"I think we're going to need another feather over here, professor." Harry said.

The rest of the class went off without any more distractions. The first day of school was now over, but there were still plenty more days to go to finish the rest of the year. The three Gryffindors headed to dinner and then eventually to bed after doing their homework. Well, Hermione did her assignments anyway. Harry and Ron had decided to wait until later to finish, but Harry didn't care anyway because he still couldn't figure out how to use a damn quill still. Ron had no excuse though. He was just a lazy sod.


	4. Chapter 4: The Reluctant Seeker

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry goes through his first day of school but was unhappy. Ron mentioned quidditch but told Harry he most likely wouldn't make the team, McGonagall was strict because he was late, Snape was an ass just because he hates the Boy-Who-Lived, and Flitwick was completely mental with his obsessive-compulsive nature.

* * *

 **Chapter 4: The Reluctant Seeker**

"Harry Potter! Follow me." Professor McGonagall yelled towards the small class of first years during their flying lesson. The old witch had seen Potter fly up towards the sky fast like a lightning bolt, and if that wasn't enough, the boy had caught the remembrall that was stolen from Neville Longbottom before it hit the ground.

Harry was not thrilled about getting asked by a professor to follow her but did as he was told. If anything, he was surprised that it took him this long to get in trouble considering how much of a little asshole he was being. He had cursed in front most of the professors thus far, with the exception of Professor Trelawney, Professor Quirrell, and Professor Binns, but still, no-one had heard him. The weird thing though was if Harry said anything normal, or if he gave someone a compliment, then everyone could hear him correctly. He still had no idea why people never heard his insults, but there was nothing he could do right now.

As Harry started to leave the grassy area, he could hear Draco Malfoy and his two ogre friends snickering behind him. Why was Harry the one being punished? Draco-fuckbrain-Malfoy was the one who stole the remembrall, got on his broom, and then threw the damn thing! Harry was guessing that Professor McGonagall only saw him on the broom goofing off, and they were going to go to Dumbledore's office so he could get punished.

Actually, this could be fun. Harry hadn't been able to insult Dumbledore yet and thought it would be incredibly funny to lay down swear word after swear word at the old wizard. Perhaps in his old age, the Headmaster would pass out from the abundance of "fucks" that would come his way. That is, if he could hear them at all.

Turns out Harry and McGonagall didn't go see Dumbledore at all. The pair arrived at the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom, and McGonagall asked to see someone named "wood". Normally someone with the maturity as Harry would look past this sexual innuendo and just act professionally, but then again this wasn't a normal or professional story either! Harry burst out laughing when he heard that McGonagall wanted "wood" and couldn't stop laughing for several minutes.

"Mr. Potter, is there something funny here?" McGonagall asked.

"(laughs) Yes, professor. You said (laughs) you wanted to see "wood" and I lost it. Oh man. Wow. Man, that was a good joke."

"I wasn't trying to be funny, Potter. I really did want to see Wood because …"

"OH, I'm sure you wanted to see "wood" you old fruit! What kind of sick perverted person goes into a class, demands "wood" in front of another professor, and then comes back to me expecting some kind of professionalism? There's no way I'm letting that go. That was so goddamn funny I can barely contain myself." Harry said through the laughs that came out.

"Mr. Potter, I asked for Wood because his last name is Wood! I want you to meet the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch Team: Oliver Wood."

"Pleasure to meet you, Potter." Oliver said towards Harry.

"Oh. So "wood" is a person. Well damn. Yeah sure great to meet you, woody"

"Actually it's not ... " Oliver tried to say but Harry ignored him.

"Professor, I thought I was in trouble! Why did you lead me on like this?"

"Wood. I am pleased to tell you that your search for a replacement team member is over. I have found you a Seeker!" McGonagall exclaimed to the older student.

"Really? Well, that's incredible, professor. Is he any good?"

"Um hello? I'm right here you assholes!" Harry exclaimed.

"Hmm? Oh, my apologies, Potter. So are you any good?" Oliver said to the boy.

"Any good at what? What are you talking about?"

"Why Seeking of course? Are you any good at Seeking?" Wood asked Harry.

"How the hell should I know? What is Seeking anyways? I've only …" Harry started to say but was cut off by Professor McGonagall.

"Oh he is amazing, Wood. I saw him catch a remembrall out of the air before it hit the ground. One of the other boys threw it so far that almost no one would have been able to get it! Well, except for Potter of course. I've never seen a student so young with so much skill."

"Really! Well, I guess I'll have to give you an audition, Potter. Meet me after lunch at the quidditch pitch and we will see how fast you are."

"Do I even get a choice in the matter?" Harry asked as he sighed. The older student shook his head. "Whatever. I might as well go along with it."

"That's the spirit! Oh, and if you have a broom, make sure to bring it with you." Wood informed the younger student.

"I don't have a broom, wood splinter. Where would I even get a broom around here anyway?"

"Actually, Potter, my name is not …"

"Whatever, woodpile. Just keep your stupid comments to yourself and realize that I'm new to this world. Your arrogance in assuming that I know anything about brooms, or that I even have one, is making you look like a huge asshole."

"You actually have a broom, Potter? That's great! I'll see you later on the pitch!"

"SURE THING! See you there, woodchip!" Harry said with an abundance of sarcasm that almost seemed genuine to McGonagall and Wood.

"That's not my name either. My name is …"

"OKAY! See you there!" Harry said sarcastically again.

Oliver then took his leave and went back inside the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. Harry wondered what the defense professor was like, and how many insults he could fling on the timid man too. Quirrell looked so puny and defenseless that anyone could knock him unconscious simply by giving that wimp a hug. Harry thought it was going to be great tomorrow when he finally got to meet that purple turban headed fuck. Come to think of it, why was he wearing a turban in the first place? Wasn't it pretty hot to wear that damn thing right now since it was still in September? Also why a purple turban? There were so many weird things going on with Quirrell that Harry's head started to spin.

After getting sent back to flying class by Professor McGonagall, to which Madam Hooch gave Harry twenty points to Gryffindor for saving Neville's remembrall, Harry joined his classmates for lunch in the Great Hall. The Boy-Who-Lived was about to start digging into his plate of food when his two annoying friends showed up. Apparently, they were off speaking to Madam Hooch, and then finally caught up with him.

"Hello, Harry!"

"Oh god, why can't you just leave me alone, Hermione?"

The young girl was about to say something nice back to the Boy-Who-Lived, but the Weasley child thought it was necessary to interrupt.

"Hello, Harry. You flew amazingly today in class! I wish I was as good as you!" Ron exclaimed.

 _"Ron is seriously starting to annoy me. At first, he seemed friendly, but now he seems like one of those hero worshipers that just kiss the god damn ground I walk on as if I was Merlin. Maybe he really did lose some brain cells when Hermione knocked him out with that massive textbook?"_ Harry thought.

"Come on, Ron, you know that's a bunch of bullshit. I rode a broom for the first time about an hour ago, and now I'm being hailed as a godsend of flight. I'm sure you're a lot more skilled with a broom than I am. Maybe you were just having a bad day."

"Oh. Um. No, not really, Harry. My brothers use me as target practice whenever I fall off my broom."

"How many times do you fall off your broom, Ron?"

"A lot, Harry. Sometimes I think I'm a squib."

"Oh quit being dramatic, Ron. I'm sure you'll get the hang of flying eventually." Hermione stated to the redheaded boy.

"Yeah right. If the broom smacks me in the face when I try to summon it, then it's a pretty clear indication that I'm not built to fly."

"Well, you can't be as bad as Hermione. She couldn't even get her broom off the ground. I hope this doesn't make her terrible in other aspects when she's older!" Harry laughed to himself at that last comment.

Just as he was expecting, Hermione didn't hear what he said. Good. Harry wanted to insult that girl on a constant basis now. Even if Harry didn't have this confusing ability to insult everyone without consequences, he would still make Hermione's life a living hell. That's how much the boy was bordering on the line between annoyed and hatred for the girl.

"No, I really am terrible, Harry. I have to be a squib. It's the only explanation." Ron said. His dialogue brought Harry back to the present.

"Wait, hold on. What's a squib, Ron?" Harry genuinely asked. Maybe this was another insult he could throw onto others on a whim. The boy couldn't wait to hear what the word was.

"Oh, I can answer that! A squib is someone who …" Hermione started to say but Harry had had enough that day and wasn't going to hold back his insults at the bushy girl any longer.

"Did I fucking ask you, Hermione? No? I asked Ron because he is the one who said it, and also because I'm tired of you showing off all the time. Do me, and everyone else a favor, by shutting your whore-ish mouth for five seconds and let someone else answer the god damn question. Not everything demands your attention, and you sticking your nose in everything is detrimental to everyone's learning. Just butt out, let someone else try for once, and be quiet!" Harry said to the girl with a ton of irritation in his voice.

"You know something, Harry? You're right. I do go above and beyond sometimes, and I'm sorry. I know I'm a bit hard to handle, and I will try to work on this problem in the future."

"And another thing! I …" Harry started to say but was pleasantly surprised by Hermione's mature response. "Okay. I umm … Apology accepted, Hermione. Please try to work on this, okay?"

"Sure thing, Harry." The girl had a smile on her face that seemed genuine as well.

Harry did feel slightly bad for ranting hard on her, but he had to get his anger off of his chest. The boy actually cared if he hurt his friend's feelings or not. Then suddenly he then started to wonder if maybe, just maybe, someone was starting to hear his insults for the first time. It seemed for just a moment that his vulgar language had consequences. Maybe he had gone too far by calling Professor Snape a giant dickweed, or Ron and bumbling doofus. With a sigh, Harry turned his attention back to his redheaded friend.

"Okay. Now that that's out of the way, Ron, can you please inform me as to what a squib is?"

"Sure thing, Harry. A squib is …" Ron tried to say.

"Actually I can answer that, Harry. A squib is someone who was born into a magical family but has no magic within them. Unlike muggles, they can see everything we do, but will never be able to perform magic." Hermione interjected.

"Yeah. What she said." Ron commented. He didn't seem bothered that Hermione interrupted him at all, but Harry absolutely was.

"GOD DAMMIT, HERMIONE! WHAT DID WE JUST FUCKING TALK ABOUT?!" Harry shouted in absolute confusion at the top of his lungs.

"You're welcome, Harry."

"GRRRRRRRR!" Harry growled towards Hermione. As soon as Harry finished his heartfelt talk with Hermione, he wanted to abandon any plans to prank her. But now, Harry's revenge was back on with full force. That bitch was going down.

A moment later, Neville Longbottom returned from the Hospital Wing and looked a lot better. He decided to sit by himself and was far away from Harry, Ron and Hermione. Sure his arm was in a sling, but Neville almost looked as if he hadn't been in an accident at all. Harry was so pissed off at Hermione, that he had no choice but to get up from his seat and start walking over to him.

"Where are you going, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Go fuck yourself, Hermione!"

"Okay! See you later then!"

"GRRRRRRRAAGGGGGHHHH!" Harry screeched at the top of his lungs. He knew that no one could hear him, but the boy didn't care whatsoever. Two seconds later, Harry approached Neville and sat down on the opposite side of him.

"Oh … um … hello Harry. What do you want?" Neville asked.

"Neville, I need your help. We may not know each other very well, but I am going completely bonkers thanks to that Hermione bitch. Can you please help me pull a prank on her? I will not take no for an answer. Hell, I will even pay you if you're uneasy about it!"

"Sure. I can help you."

"Wait really? You're going to help me just like that? You don't even know what I want to do to her! I may want to shave her head, or turn her skin green for all you know."

"It's okay. I'm getting annoyed by her also."

"Well good. I'm glad I'm not alone here." Harry said. A moment later, Harry had an epiphany of discovery that he may have overlooked. Did Neville actually hear one of his insults? He must have considering he cursed Hermione, and Neville wanted to go along with his plan to humiliate her. To test the waters, Harry got the boy's attention.

"Hey, Neville?"

"Yeah, Harry?"

"Go fuck yourself! You're a pompous bitch. I wish you were dead."

"Aw thanks, Harry. I think you're a good guy too."

"Of course. Why did I expect anything different?" Harry muttered.

"What was that, Harry?"

"Nothing, Neville. Nothing at all." Harry said while sighing heavily. He was really hoping that someone could finally hear him.

"Oh … okay then. So what kind of prank did you have in mind?"

"Well, actually I wanted to ask you for some help because I have no idea what to do. It's probably best I don't think of the plan anyway. Everything I would come up with may result in Hermione Granger's death."

"Me? Well … um … what can I do to help? I'm no one special. I think I must be a squib because I can't even perform magic well."

"You know, that's the second time someone called themselves a squib around me today."

"Really? Who was the first one?"

"Ron Weasley."

"Oh. Well … I can see that. He thinks he's great at magic, but he … um … sucks."

Harry laughed at Neville's attempt to insult Ronald-The Idiot-Weasley. The line delivery may have fallen flat on its face, but Harry did appreciate the fact that someone out there was almost as cynical as he was.

"You know, Neville? You're alright in my book. So do you have any ideas on what to do to Hermione?"

"Well the only thing I'm good at is Herbology, so maybe we can do something with plants?"

"Plants huh? Hmm. That may work. Is there any kind of plant that stands out to you?"

"Maybe. There's a variation on the venus flytrap that's bred right here in the greenhouse. The only difference is that this plant can cause death in a different way. The plant is nicknamed the "heart attacker" and scares people so badly that it can cause someone to have a heart attack from the sudden shock of fear."

"Hmm. Well, I like the idea, Neville, but I don't want to kill her. She may have an actual heart attack and die. Got any other ideas?"

"Well … maybe we can …" Neville tried to say but the bell rang and the students had to go to their next classes.

"Sorry Neville, I gotta go. I'll talk to you about this later."

"Sure thing, Harry. Thanks for saving my remembrall by the way."

Harry only nodded and started heading over to the quidditch pitch. Thankfully Ron and Hermione had another class to go to that he didn't have. Whatever it was, the Boy-Who-Lived didn't know. All to soon, Harry arrived at the pitch and noticed Oliver Wood in the exact center of the field. A small rumbling trunk was right behind the older student, and Harry was curious as to what was inside.

"Hello, Harry. Ready to get started?"

"Fine, whatever, woodworker. Just let me try out."

"Where's your broom, Harry? I can't let you audition without one."

"I don't have a fucking broom you imbecile. I told you that already! Let me borrow yours and I'll fucking audition for you. Okay?"

"Well that's okay you can borrow mine!"

"Yeah that's just what I said, asshole. Let's get this show on the road please!"

"Hold on there, Potter. Don't you want to know the rules of the game, or what the other positions are?"

"No."

"Great! Now quidditch is easy enough to understand. There are seven players: three Chasers, two Beaters, one Keeper, and the Seeker. That's you." Oliver started to explain.

"Woah, hold on. I never said I wanted to be a seeker. McGonagall did. I want to try out for something else you fucking woodchuck."

Oliver didn't seem to hear him. The older student started to unlock the rumbling trunk instead.

"Hey did you hear me? I said I didn't want to be a Seeker, woodworm!"

"There are three kinds of balls." Wood said while tossing him a big ball with indents around it. "This one is called the quaffle. The goal of the Chasers is to get the quaffle through one of those three hoops." The older boy then pointed to the three big hoops that were at both ends of the field.

"The Keeper, that's me, defends the hoops. You with me so far?"

"Yes, woodhead."

"Excellent." Oliver then handed a small bat to Harry and asked him to step back. As soon as Oliver released one of the rumbling balls from its chains, it shot into the air while making sounds that were reminiscent of a demon from hell. As it came back down, the older boy asked Harry to ready himself and prepare to hit the ball.

As soon as Harry connected the nasty ball with the bat, the ball hit Oliver square in the head and knocked him unconscious. Thankfully by magic, the strange ball chained itself up and closed the trunk with a snap. Feeling uncertain as to what to do next, Harry dropped the bat and ran from the stadium. Consequences be damned. The boy didn't care that he almost killed another student. He just didn't want to get caught. Running back to the Gryffindor Common Room was all he cared about at that moment, and eventually, he made it.

Harry didn't leave the common room for the rest of the night. Not even to eat. Thankfully, Ron brought him some food. Eventually, word got around that Oliver Wood suffered a massive head injury and was going to spend the night in the Hospital Wing. Harry laughed at the news of the other boy's misfortune. He really was a little asshole, but that didn't bother him. No one could hear his insults, and he was getting tired of it. Sometime later, the night was upon the students, and everyone went to bed. Well, everyone except Ron Weasley. He had put his homework off for too long and had to write three essays in one night. Harry felt no sympathy for him at all. That's what happened when you procrastinated until the last possible moment.


	5. Chapter 5: Potter vs Malfoy

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry saves Neville's remembrall, and McGonagall wants him to get an audition to become the Gryffindor Seeker. Hermione pushes Harry to the edge. In retaliation for her obnoxiousness, Harry asks help from Neville to prank Hermione. Harry is forced to try out for quidditch, but he accidentally knocks out Oliver Wood, and runs from the Quidditch Pitch.

 **A/N:** I've gotten a few notifications that Draco hasn't been roasted or humiliated by Harry yet. I know. I was saving it until now because up to this chapter, Draco hasn't been useful to my story. Well except for him to get bitch slapped by Hermione. Now that I'm making him the central focus of the chapter, it's on.

By the way, I do read y'alls comments about my story and I appreciate the reviews, and the follows, and the likes. They make me feel positive about what I'm doing and I hope to hear/see more of them in the future. Well except for the one review I got about "this story being about Ginny". Does Ginny being in my story later on honestly bother you? I don't get it. Her inclusion is not a bad thing to me honestly. The main thing I want to point out though is she's not even in the story yet. I had her in one scene in the first chapter and that's it. So to say that this is a "Ginny Story" is incorrect. Plus Ginny even got insulted by Harry if that makes you feel better somehow. She will be in the story later, but not now. Plus she's not the main character; Harry is. Calm down. Jeez.

Okay sorry about that rant. Anyway thanks again for the comments and reviews. Here's the next chapter.

* * *

 **Chapter 5: Potter vs Malfoy**

"Who are you again?" Harry asked the blonde haired boy. He seemed familiar, but Harry just couldn't place where he had heard his name from. This blonde boy approached Harry in the halls one day when the Gryffindor student was trying to get to class. This cretin just appeared from the shadows and Harry was miffed that this fuck-brain came up to him. Why? Because Harry was now late to class.

"The name is Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."

"Wait. Aren't you the one …"

"Yes, I tried to talk to you on the stairs before we got sorted, but that Granger mud-blood got in the way."

"OH! I remember now. You got slapped so hard by Hermione that you fell into your friends, and were unconscious for most of the sorting ceremony. How was that detention by the way?" Harry asked the boy while being as much of an asshole as possible.

"That was uncalled for, Potter. Now I would like to pick up where we left off a few weeks ago."

"I don't swing that way, Malfoy. I didn't know you did though. You probably get your jollies by having a group hard on from Crap and Boyle or whatever their fucking names are. Come to think of it, why are they your friends? Were they for sale at a flea market somewhere? I know you can bring pets to Hogwarts, but I didn't think anyone would be allowed two toads." Harry said while laughing but was unconcerned about how Malfoy felt. Harry knew his insult power would go right through this spoiled prince of Slytherin, and he was not disappointed at all from the results.

The blonde boy took out his hand and waited for Harry to shake it. "It's nice to meet you, Potter." Harry grabbed his hand and started shaking along with him. When he was done, Harry said an incredibly snide remark to Malfoy.

"Nice you meet you too, you fucking prick. Well thanks for making me late for class, dickhead. I got to go now." Harry said while trying to get away from Draco as fast as possible. Malfoy wasn't finished, however, and prevented Harry from leaving.

"Would you mind getting out of my way, Malfoy? You've already made me late to class and I don't want to be even later."

"I'm not done with you yet, Potter. You can leave when I say you can leave."

"Oh so you think you own me now, do you? How do you figure that?"

"I want us to be friends, even if you are a foolish Gryffindor, but that can only happen if you get rid of that idiot Weasley, and that brainiac mud-blood."

"Oh no, what should I do? Do I get rid of Ron and Hermione, and be your friend, or not get rid of them, and not be your friend? Oh, this is just too hard." Harry said sarcastically. "Can you let me think it over?"

"No. I don't like to be kept waiting, Potter. Make your choice now."

"Well, I guess being your friend is the right thing to do. Sure, Draco, I'll be your friend!" Harry said whilst shaking Draco's hand once more.

"I'm glad you have some brains, Potter."

"Me too." Harry said.

Harry's face suddenly changed from a sarcastic smile to a grim frown that made Malfoy slightly afraid. Since Malfoy was still shaking hands with him, Harry gripped on to the boy even tighter until Draco got on his knees and was begging for the pain to stop.

"Stop crushing my hand, Potter! I can't take this anymore!"

"Hmm? I'm sorry what's that, Draco? You're going to have to speak up!"

"Arrgghh! Let … go … of … my ... hand!"

"Sorry. Still can't hear you, fuckwad."

"PLEASE! LET GO!" Draco screamed as he got further on the ground. The boy was shaking with the amount of pain that was sourcing in his body. '

Harry finally released the poor sod's hand and allowed him to fall down to the ground. As Harry began to leave, he went over to the boy's ear and spoke.

"Listen good, Draco. Even though Ron and Hermione may be annoying, I won't give them up for you. I've heard stories about how you've bullied everyone around the school, and I won't stand for it. If anything, that should be my job. Don't bother me again, Draco. You won't like the results." The Boy-Who-Lived said. As soon as he was done, Harry started to walk away with the blonde bastard still on the floor.

"Wait …"

Harry turned around to listen to what the moron had to say. "Yes, Draco? Can you hurry this up? I am a busy man."

"How the hell are you that strong?"

"Thanks to years of manual labor at my relative's house, I became incredibly strong. I can even beat my fat-ass cousin in arm wrestling. I would suggest you keep this in mind for later on."

Harry didn't have time to answer any more questions from the prick on the floor. He was really getting late and didn't want to lose too many points for tardiness. Making sure his bag was secure, Potter ran up the steps until he was in front of the Charms Classroom door. After taking a moment to straighten out his hair, Harry pushed the door open and made his way to his assigned seat.

"So glad of you to join us, Mr. Potter. Would you mind explaining why you are now twenty minutes late to class? We've already started working on a brand new charm for today and you are severely behind!" Filius Flitwick shouted from his place on the podium.

"Sorry professor. I was ..." Harry started to say but quickly changed his mind about his interaction with Draco. The Boy-Who-Lived loved messing with the Charms professor's head and wanted to do so again today.

"... I was checking my bag extensively to make sure all of my books were present. Then I realized that my extremely important charms book was not in my bag. I rushed back to Gryffindor tower, grabbed my book, and headed back down to class. I only have the highest of respects for you professor. I wish I was as good at charms as you are."

Flitwick seemed to have bought his incredibly fabricated story. In fact, he believed it so much that the man went completely mental.

"Oh how dreadful, Mr. Potter! I completely understand! If I was in your position I would have lost consciousness and missed the class entirely. You are excused from homework today you brave young man. Also, take 50 points for Gryffindor! In fact, everyone gets no homework today! I'm too overwhelmed by the information I have just received!"

The class erupted with applause around the room, but it was short-lived as the prince of Slytherin burst through the door. He had a few bandages on his hand and was enraged.

"POTTER! You're going to pay for what you did!"

"Mr. Malfoy! Why are you now thirty minutes late to my class? I demand an explanation!" Professor Flitwick asked the pig-headed boy.

"Ask scar-head over there! He's the entire reason I'm late!" Draco said while pointing his good hand over to Harry.

"Well, Mr. Potter? Why did you make Mr. Malfoy late to class?"

Harry sighed loud enough to make others think he really was responsible for Draco's tardiness. What the others didn't know was that Harry was going to make Draco-fuckbrain-Malfoy's life a living hell. With a quick smirk towards Draco, as if to say _"I am going to destroy you"_ , Harry began his explanation.

"Professor it's true. I did make Malfoy late to class, but I have a very good explanation for this."

"Please enlighten me, Mr. Potter." Professor Flitwick said with a small bit of annoyance in his voice.

"Well, you see, Draco thought it would be a good idea to ditch your class and he wanted me to join him. Since I was already in a rush to come back to your class, I didn't have time to even consider Draco's offer. Then out of nowhere, Draco Malfoy attacked me and said he wasn't going to take no for an answer. So naturally, I defended myself. I punched Draco in the side and he doubled over in pain. Then he proceeded to call my dead mum a whore. By that point, I was seeing red and wasn't going to take it anymore. I then accused Draco of having a hard-on for magical creatures in hopes of humiliating him, but to my surprise he openly admitted it. He then told me that he only acted out because he was afraid others would find out the truth that Draco Malfoy is into butt-stuff with blast-end-skrewts and pixies. I then ran to class while leaving him to think over his love life."

The entire class was shocked by what Harry said, but couldn't anticipate what was going to happen next.

"THAT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENED AT ALL!" Draco yelled.

"Draco. Stop. There's no point in trying to deny it. Everyone has weird interests around here. It's just that yours is really inappropriate." Harry said while trying not to explode with laughter.

"Are you REALLY going to listen to this ridiculous story, professor?" Draco asked towards the Charms Professor.

"Mr. Malfoy! I have had quite enough of you in my class and I believe Mr. Potter wholeheartedly. You have been a constant annoyance to everyone in this class since day one, you boost your ego around as if you were Salazar Slytherin himself, you have talked back to me on multiple occasions, and now I am hearing you called Mr. Potter's dead mother a whore, and then accused him of lying about your sexual preferences! Oh … um … sorry for the comment about your mother, Mr. Potter."

"It's alright, professor."

"Excellent. Now back to you, Mr. Malfoy. I will no longer teach you the fine ways of charm spells while in this school. Unless you can find someone willing to teach you this branch of magic, you will be expelled from Hogwarts! Leave my classroom at once!"

"Hold on a second! Did Potter even mention how he nearly broke my hand? I had to go to the Hospital Wing because of the damage he did to me!" Malfoy screeched.

"I assumed it was when Mr. Potter and yourself got into some trouble."

"Yes, professor, it was! Now I demand you expel Potter as well!"

"Oh good! Then Mr. Potter please take another 50 points for Gryffindor!"

"Wow, thanks, professor!" Harry honestly stated.

"WHAT?!" Draco yelled.

"Get out of my classroom, Mr. Malfoy!" Professor Flitwick demanded.

Malfoy was seething with anger. His face was turning red and it was evident that he would absolutely try to get his revenge on Harry Potter by any means necessary. The blonde prick then turned around and headed for the door. Just before he left, the Charms Professor left one final comment for the boy.

"Oh and Mr. Malfoy? I will be writing to your father tonight about your incessant behavior. I would be scared if I were you."

Draco's eyes then widened in shock but decided to not linger any longer. The blonde boy then slammed the door behind him and ran towards the Slytherin Common Room. Once he was gone, the entire class erupted with applause over Draco leaving. Harry felt really good about himself at that moment. No one was going to give him crap and get away with it. The thing that really bothered the Boy-Who-Lived was the fact that he stood up to Malfoy over the way he talked about Ron and even Hermione. He was starting to go soft and couldn't allow that to happen.

"Wow, Harry! You were incredible!" Ron said when Harry took his seat next to the boy.

"Go fuck yourself, Ron."

"I'm so glad we're friends, Harry!"

"We're not friends, dickweed."

"Hey, do you want to play wizard's chess after classes are done?"

"Absolutely fucking not."

"Great! I'll set up the game later!"

"Oh hoo-fucking-raah." Harry said whilst rolling his eyes. He may have appeared to be annoyed on the surface, but deep down Harry was thrilled he could insult Ron again. It was the simple things in life that appeased him. Well, that and taking out his frustrations out on Ronald Billius Weasley.

The rest of the Charms Class went off with no more interruptions, but none of that mattered because the disruptions by Harry and Draco caused a lot of time to be wasted. Thankfully Flitwick already declared that there would be no homework, so the rest of the period was spent with everyone finishing their homework from the other classes.

It was many hours later when classes were finally finished for the day. As all the students headed into the Great Hall, and sat down for dinner, Harry received some mail from one of the owls. The note was straight and to the point. Most people would have been confused on who could have sent such a vague letter, but Harry knew better. This note could have only come from one person.

 _"You're dead, Potter. Let's finish this at the quidditch pitch after dinner. Be there."_

"Who's the letter from, Harry?" Hermione asked but he ignored her.

 _"Well, it seems Draco wants to get his ass kicked again. Very well. I'lll play along just enough to make it seem like he's going to win. Then I'll crush him for what I hope is the final time. Hermione may be annoying little fuckwad, but she has nothing on Draco. That guy is the fucking worst."_ Harry thought to himself.

"Did you hear me, Harry? I asked who was the letter from?" Hermione asked again.

"That's none of your concern, you prick."

"(gasp) Draco Malfoy! But Harry, you can't go after him! He will try to kill you!"

"How in the world did you know I said Draco Malfoy through my cursing?"

"What cursing? I all I did was look over your shoulder while you weren't reading the letter"

"Wait. You were reading over my …"

"Are you really going to duel Malfoy?" Hermione asked with some fear for her friend.

"Seriously, Hermione, how did you know any of this just by reading my fucking letter?" Harry asked but again he was ignored.

"Don't go, Harry! Dueling is not allowed on the school grounds and if …" Hermione tried to say.

"It's not allowed, huh? Well, that settles it then! I'm going to beat Malfoy in a duel!"

"Ok wait. Umm… actually, Harry, it's perfectly fine to go out dueling on the school grounds!"

"If you're trying to make me change my mind about dueling Malfoy, then you can forget it, Hermione." Harry said.

"Oh shoot. Well, it didn't hurt to try. Just be careful please." Hermione said.

"I will, Hermione. If anyone is going to get hurt, it'll be Malfoy, not me. What do you think about this, Ron?"

"I think it's wonderful, Harry."

"You … do?" Harry asked while being completely surprised.

"Oh yes. I can only imagine the things you can do with it!"

"Yeah, I … wait what? What in the hell are you talking about, Ron?"

"Your new broom, Harry! You said you were going to get a new broom, right?" Ron said whilst daydreaming and looking in the opposite direction.

Harry sighed really long and incredibly loudly. Hermione seemed to have picked up on Harry's irritation from the redheaded ballbuster, so she picked up her heavy copy of _Hogwarts, A History_ and slammed it down on the table.

"Hey, Ron?"

"Yeah, Hermione?"

WHAM! The book was smashed against the back of the skull of Ron Weasley. Like before, the boy got his head smashed into the table and then fell underneath. He didn't appear to have suffered any blood loss, but then again he brought this upon himself even if he was bleeding.

"Thanks, Hermione." Harry said.

"You're welcome."

"Do you want to come down to the pitch and see the duel?"

"No. I abhor violence and I really don't want to see the either of you start a pissing contest. Come back when it's done. If you're not back in half an hour, I'll assume you're knocked out and come find you."

"I have no doubt he will lose, but thanks Hermione."

With that, Harry left the Great Hall and started walking down to the quidditch pitch. Draco wasn't present yet, but Harry wasn't worried. It was only a matter of time before he showed up anyway. Some time passed and Draco still didn't show up. Harry had no idea how long he was sitting there on the stadium stands, but it seemed like minutes, or even seconds since he just sat down. Turns out it only was a few minutes. Moments later, Harry heard the crunching of grass in the distance so he turned his head in that direction.

"Well well if it isn't the prince of pinheads, Draco-Fucking-Malfoy." Harry sarcastically said aloud.

"Glad you decided to show up, Potter!"

"Oh don't worry I didn't plan on missing this, Draco. Why would I miss the chance to stun the ever loving fuck out of you?"

"You seriously think you can win? Ha. I don't think you can understand the depths of …" Draco tried to say but was knocked out thanks to the stunner spell that Harry sent to the boy when he wasn't looking. Draco fell to the ground hard but was otherwise okay. Harry walked over his body and proceeded to head back to the castle. He found his two friends sitting in the Great Hall and decided to join them once more.

"You're back already?" Hermione asked.

"Like I said, Hermione, the only one who would get hurt was Draco. Turns out I was right." Harry said with a smirk on his face.

"Yes. But still, Harry, you could have gotten hurt."

"What-fucking-ever. I won and that's all that fucking matters." Harry said then changed the topic. "Is Ron still unconscious?"

"Yes. Hopefully, that will teach him to not pay attention."

"He won't be able to learn anything Hermione if you keep killing his brain cells. Also, that book is fucking heavy so using it on someone is almost declaring an intent to kill. You should probably use another book next time."

Hermione then told Harry to go back to the Gryffindor Common Room so she could get Ron back on his feet. The Boy-Who-Lived obliged and then made his way back to his bed. As he drifted off to sleep, the boy replayed the amazing day he had that was full of him knocking Draco Malfoy down a peg. It was truly a great day.


	6. Chapter 6: Slytherin vs Gryffindor

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry is given the opportunity to be friends with Draco, but he declines the offer, and sprains the blonde kid's hand. Harry lies in order to get out of trouble for being late to Charms class, and by doing so he gets a ton of house points. Draco challenges Harry to a duel, but loses instantly.

* * *

 **Chapter 6: Slytherin vs Gryffindor - The First Quidditch Game**

"And that's why your skills in potions are equivalent to that of a troll, Mr. Potter." Severus Snape said as he insulted the young man for what seemed like the hundredth time in the span of a few weeks.

"Professor Snape, we both know your insults are a bunch of bullshit. I know that I am doing well in Potions class thanks to some tutoring from Hermione."

"So it seems that the great Harry Potter is a dunderhead after all. How droll. You lack the skills necessary to complete even the simplest of potions, so you go and ask someone with no prior knowledge of how the wizarding world works. How pathetic you are, Mr. Potter. Maybe if you actually read the material for once, you would be able to do this on your own."

"Whatever, Snape. I don't want to deal with you today. Are you going to grade my potion today Professor Snape, or are you just going to sit there and bitch?" Harry asked his asshole professor.

"How can I possibly grade your potion today, Mr. Potter? You dropped it on your way to me. It seems you will receive a zero for today. How unfortunate for you." Snape sneered at the boy.

Harry wasn't going to let the greasy bastard win. He had already learned his lesson that Snape would absolutely sabotage his work whenever he could. In the first week of classes, Snape dropped his potions any chance he could get. It was only a week before Halloween, and so far Snape had dropped about fifty potions in the course of a month and a half. Why fifty you ask? Here's why:

"I didn't drop my potion, professor. You did."

"I recall nothing of the sort, Mr. Potter. You came up here and accidentally dropped your finished potion right in front of me. It's not my fault you are a clumsy oaf."

"Really? Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I do have another potion right here." Harry said smugly towards the greasy git. As Snape "attempted" to handle the potion, it fell onto the floor.

"Tough luck, Potter. Looks like it's still going to be a zero."

"Nice try, professor bitch-ass." Harry said as he picked up his completed potion. "Hermione taught me the unbreakable charm weeks ago. So don't bother trying to break my potions again. Asshole."

Snape said nothing and only grabbed the potion from Harry's hand rather forcefully. Then, unexpectedly, Snape threw the potion against the wall and expected it to explode. Thankfully, it didn't. The potion hit the wall and then fell to the ground without getting scratched at all.

"Fine, Potter. Have your small victory. Despite the fact you are incompetent in potions, you are quite skilled in charms. You get one point for Gryffindor."

"One point? That's ridiculous, professor! You gave Malfoy twenty for fucking up his potion!" Harry angrily pointed out.

"Don't argue with me, Potter. Now get out of my sight before I give you detention."

Harry growled with anger as he stormed out of the Potions Classroom. Hermione and Ron were waiting for him outside the door. The class was over and the last thing the students had to do before they left was turn in their potions work. Thankfully the brainiac and the oaf decided to hang around. Harry was quite pissed at Snape so he vented his anger on his two lackeys.

"How'd it go, Harry?" Ron asked.

"Fuck you, Ron. You're a pimple on society's ass and you'll never amount to anything. You are completely overshadowed by your other siblings, and even though I haven't met most of them, I'm sure a ton of them are braver than you!" Harry screeched at the redhead boy.

"Harry, I don't know what to say. Even when things are down, you know just what to say to cheer me up! I don't deserve a friend like you." Ron said with a huge smile on his face.

"Wow, Harry, that was a great compliment you gave Ron." Hermione said.

"And you! You're no better, Hermione! I'm still pissed at you for never shutting the fuck up. You think your genius level intellect makes you likable, but trust me when I say that you are fucking insufferable! I may not have anything to prank you with yet, but trust me, it's fucking coming!"

"Well … I … you're a great friend too, Harry. Come on. Let's go to the common room and just have fun for today." Hermione stated.

"GOD DAMMIT I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Harry yelled. "WHY CAN'T ANYONE UNDERSTAND ME?!"

"Okay, Harry! We'll see you in the common room later!" Ron said.

"GAAAHHHRRGGGHHHHHHHH!"

Harry was seriously enraged thanks to Snape being an ass, and his friends still not being able to understand one insult he was saying. As Harry started to head towards the school grounds to clear his head, Oliver Wood, the Gryffindor team captain, approached the young man.

"Hey, Harry! I'm glad I found you. Don't forget that the first game of the year is tomorrow, and it's going to be us versus Slytherin."

"Wow that's super great and blah blah blah I really don't fucking care, driftwood."

"Actually my name is ..."

"Dude whatever. Just leave me alone okay? I don't want to deal with any more people today."

"But Harry you have to be ready for tomorrow's match! It's a big game and we all need to be in top shape!"

"Listen to me very carefully. I am not on the team, and I'm not going to play tomorrow. I didn't finish the audition with you because you got hit with the bludger. Now please do me a favor and fuck off." Harry said with as much patience as possible.

"Oh Harry don't you remember? You did so well in your audition for Seeker that I made you a team member! Now don't forget the game tomorrow. It starts at ten in the morning. Oh! And I almost forgot. Here is your quidditch uniform, and Professor McGonagall bought you a new broom: I present to you the Nimbus 2000!" Oliver Wood said as he gave Harry the clothes and the new broom.

Normally Harry would have been pissed because no one would listen to what he was saying, but since he was given a broom, he didn't mind it all that much. The broom was shiny as hell and looked incredibly beautiful to the eye. It was probably the best gift Harry had ever received from someone. It was really surprising to receive this broom at all because Harry thought Professor McGonagall hated him. Maybe she did and was only giving Harry a broom so Gryffindor would win.

"Uh... thanks I guess? So now what, woodman?"

"Just report to the Gryffindor locker room inside the Quidditch stadium tomorrow at 9:30 AM. Make sure to be in your Quidditch attire, and bring your broom of course. I'll see you later!" Oliver said as he made his way down the hallway.

"Wait! I don't know how to be a Seeker! I need you to ..." Harry tried to say but Oliver was way out of earshot to be able to hear him. The young man growled in annoyance because he had no idea what to do tomorrow.

In order to see how good this new broom was, Harry made his way to the pitch and got himself on the broom. After kicking off from the ground, the young man controlled the broom with incredible precision. It seemed as if the broom and the player were synced together perfectly. Wherever Harry wanted to go, the broom moved elegantly. With the wind in his face and his temper now gone, Harry actually started to enjoy himself. The feeling of flying high amongst the clouds was something he could only dream of, but now that it was real, the Boy-Who-Lived never wanted to get off. If he could stay up there all day, he would have.

After an hour the sun was setting and it was going to be dark soon. With reluctance, Harry got off the broom and headed back to the common room. Before he could head there, however, his pet owl Hedwig swooped in with a letter. He would have been happy about receiving mail but since his bird nearly took his head off, Harry was kind of pissed.

"Gee thanks, Hedwig. Next time just land on my fucking face so I don't have to duck."

With reluctance, Hedwig gave Harry the letter but was clearly pissed off. Realizing his pet wanted food, the boy reached into his pocket and gave her a few treats. After eating said treats, Hedwig pecked hard on Harry's hand and flew off. Harry assumed Hedwig was able to hear his insults but didn't care because he couldn't carry on full conversations with his bird.

 _"Note to self. Don't piss off Hedwig because she can hear me swear at her. Now, who is this letter from?"_ Harry thought.

The boy looked on the front of the letter and noticed the handwriting looked feminine. Harry did want to read it but had more important things to worry about. Like, for example, figuring out how to play as a Seeker. He only had two options for figuring this out: ask Oliver Wood, or ask Ron Weasley. The boy would have asked the other members of the Quidditch team but didn't know who any of them were so he really was up shit creek without a paddle.

Harry decided that Ron was probably going to be easier to find, so he started his trek back to the common room. Several minutes later, which included a snide remark from Draco Malfoy about getting his ass handed to him tomorrow during the match, Harry finally made it to the common room. Ron Weasley was sitting in one of the chairs on the side and was playing a game of wizards chess with Neville Longbottom.

"Hey, Neville. Hey, Ron." Harry said.

"Oh um … hi Harry." Neville said.

"Not now, Harry. I am about to beat Neville in chess, and I need full concentration." Ron stated towards the young man with the scar on his head.

"Can you tear your fat ass away for a few minutes, Ron? I really need help with something that cannot wait."

"Maybe I can help instead, Harry?" Hermione said as she appeared out of nowhere.

"Oh god. No fucking way, Hermione. Trust me when I say you can't help me with this problem."

"Oh? Why is that, Harry?"

"Well unless you can explain what the job of the Seeker is in Quidditch, then I don't need your assistance." Harry explained.

"Yeah, I can't do that, Harry. You better ask Ronald instead." Hermione said as she looked down at the floor. She seemed to be a little ashamed that she did not know the answer.

"What a big fucking surprise, Hermione. Now can you please scram? "

"Okay, Harry! I'll see you later!"

"Obviously, fuckwad." Harry said directing his comment towards Hermione. Then the boy went back to Ron. "Ron, can you please fucking help me now? It's important for the Quidditch game tomorrow!"

At the mention of Quidditch, Ron almost flipped the game and got up surprisingly fast to assist Harry.

"Okay, Harry what do you need? Do you need training because I know everything about Quidditch! How much assistance do you need for tomorrow? Do you want me to run a play by play? Would you …" Ron asked so fast that Harry's head started to spin.

"Slow the fuck down, Ron. I only have a few questions. Okay? Now please explain to me, in plain English, what does the Seeker do?"

"Really? That's all you want to know? Well sure I can teach you that! Okay so the Seeker is the person who only does one thing: goes after the snitch."

"What does the snitch look like, Ron?"

"You don't know what it looks like? It's the little gold ball with the wings on it. It's incredibly fast and almost cannot be seen by the naked eye. The point of catching the snitch is earning 150 points for their team. Once the snitch is caught, however, the game ends. So the point is to catch the snitch while your team is ahead, otherwise, it won't matter if you catch the snitch or not." Ron explained.

"Huh. Well, thanks for that lengthy explanation, Ron. You aren't as dumb as you look sometimes." Harry appreciatingly said.

"Uh thanks, I guess, Harry. Now if you don't mind, I am going to destroy Neville in chess." Ron said as he went back into focusing on his game.

Harry didn't mind that Ron went back to his game because he felt super confident about what to do for tomorrow. The only thing that made him a little nervous was just how brutal this game might end up being. The young man had never even seen a Quidditch game before, so he had no idea whatsoever what he was getting himself into. Before he went to sleep, Harry pulled the letter out of his pocket and stuffed it into the drawer near his bed.

The next morning was the first game of the Quidditch series. It was only a few minutes before the game began, and Harry started to feel a little nervous. Just a little though. Harry was currently sitting in the locker room with his other team members with captain Oliver Wood proceeding to telling the team about his latest strategy to take out Slytherin. As his long speech of trivial Quidditch nonsense ended, the captain rallied his team members together for a final moment of inspiration.

"This is it, team. This may be the first game of the season, but it will absolutely be our hardest. The Slytherins are devious and will do anything to win, but they have something we don't. We have the skills, the drive, and the determination to beat any foe that comes our way. We may have won the Quidditch Cup the last few years, but that doesn't mean anything unless we can prove to everyone why we deserved all those victories. We have a new player this year, but I have no doubt he will do his best to ensure our victory. Now everyone please huddle up together." Oliver said towards his team.

"Put your hands in everyone. On three, shout "Gryffindor Rules!" okay? Now one, two, three!"

"GRYFFINDOR RULES!" everyone said. Even Harry decided to join in even though Oliver's speech was cheesy as hell.

The team of Gryffindors then made their way to the entrance of the stadium. Just before the team was ready to go in, Oliver sought out Harry and wanted to talk to him.

"Are you nervous, Harry?"

"A little."

"Don't worry it's perfectly natural. I was nervous during my first game."

"I didn't ask you to tell me your fucking life story but whatever. What happened in your first game?"

"Uh ... I don't really remember. I took a bludger to the head two minutes in, and woke up in the Hospital Wing a week later." Oliver said with some confusion in his voice.

"See? This is exactly why I wanted to be a beater, but no. Of course, you and fucking McGonagall had to sign me up for Seeker when I didn't even want to."

"Good luck, Harry! Remember all I taught you!" Wood said to his fellow teammate.

"You didn't teach me shit, wood-for-brains! I don't even know how to play this game!" Harry screeched at his captain, but it was no use. The game was officially starting and the door to the stadium finally opened for the teams to enter. The players from both sides mounted their brooms and flew into the Quidditch pitch. As the members from each side approached the center, Madam Hooch warned the players that she wanted a nice clean game or else. The four balls were released into the air, and the game started.

Since Harry was only the Seeker, he decided to hang back up high and begin to look for the small golden ball. After a few minutes of gameplay, Harry noticed a bludger was heading straight for him. The boy flew downwards in order to get away from the violent ball which seemed like it was possessed by the devil. Once Harry flew a few feet down below, he found another safe spot in order to look for his small prize. The commentary on the game was great, but Harry wished that he was the one doing something great. Sure the chasers were scoring goals left and right, but Harry was just sitting there.

It was about ten minutes later when Harry started getting bored. If he had known how boring it was to wait for the snitch to appear, he would have brought his homework to work on. The Gryffindor Seeker was so bored that he yawned extremely obnoxiously and stretched his hands in the air. Suddenly something flew into his right hand and Harry held on to what it was. When he pulled his hand towards him, Harry saw a small golden ball with wings.

"Oh, you have got to be shitting me." Harry said aloud. He would have cursed even more, but the announcer of the game immediately cut him off.

"Look everyone! Harry Potter has caught the Snitch! GRYFFINDOR WINS 200 TO 0!"

The crowd immediately erupted in applause for Harry and the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. The Seeker was dumbfounded because luck seemed to be on his side but at the same time, he was pissed off because he never even got to do anything! With anger flooding his emotions, Harry flew down to the pitch and got off his broom. He made his way to the locker room and changed into his regular clothes. Since Harry was in no mood to celebrate with the other Gryffindors, he went up to the tower and fell on his bed.

Harry was really upset by the outcome of the game and really wanted to cheer himself up. The first thing he thought of was to talk to someone but quickly decided not to. The problem was that everyone in the entire school couldn't hear his angry insults, so he didn't even bother trying to talk to a mindless blockhead. The next idea was to start his homework, but that idea was quickly tossed out the window too. There was no way Harry could even do his homework with his increased temper. Finally, he decided to pull out the letter that he got yesterday, but didn't get to read. Noticing again that the writing on the front appeared to be feminine, Harry felt nervous because it could have been from a crazy fan who wanted to send saucy pictures or something. The boy opened the letter and saw that it was pretty short.

* * *

 _Dear Harry,_

 _I'm sure you don't remember me, but we met on September first before you went into the platform with the rest of my family. I know this sounds odd that I would be contacting you, but I felt that I had to. My name is Ginny Weasley, and I would like to be your friend._

 _I'm not sure if Ron, Fred, George, or Percy has said anything about me, but my brothers tend to put me in a bad light. They think I'm too young or too naive to do anything and it makes me incredibly mad. I hope they haven't said anything and you can make up your own mind about me._

 _If you wish to talk, please send a letter with your owl. If you're wondering how she came to us at all, Ron borrowed her. I'm not sure if he asked you or not. He tends to take things without asking._

 _Looking forward to hearing from you,_

 _Ginny_

* * *

"Huh. Well, that's interesting. I definitely wasn't expecting a letter from her." Harry said aloud.

Normally the boy would have given the mail over to his aunt and uncle because he never got anything. This time was different, however, because it was from someone else other than a school. With nothing to lose, Harry decided to write back to this mysterious girl. There was always a chance that she could share the same sarcastic attitude as him, and Harry wanted to take full advantage of that. The only issue at hand was whether or not Harry should curse in this letter or not. Since he had no idea whether or not this girl would be able to read his insults on paper, Harry decided to not curse this time and test this problem out later.

The young man grabbed some parchment and began writing as fast as he could. Since Hedwig always perched herself near his open window, Harry gave the owl his letter and watched her fly off. For some reason, Harry thought writing to this little girl felt good. It even made him feel better from the anger he had in the game. The only thing that could make him happier was punching Ron in the face for borrowing Hedwig without asking.

Harry walked down the stairs and was not surprised that the Gryffindor students were celebrating their asses off because of the Quidditch team's victory. The Seeker took this opportunity to find his redhead buffoon of a friend and thankfully found him one minute later. Ron was sitting in the back next to Hermione, Neville, Fred, and George. With determination, Harry walked up to the group of people he kind of considered to be his friends.

"Hey, Ron." Harry said.

"Oh hey, Harry! Congratulations on winning the game!"

"Yeah, thanks. Hey, I got a question for you."

"Okay, what is it?"

"Did you borrow Hedwig without asking me?"

"Umm ..." Ron felt nervous because he knew that Harry may get mad at him. There was no option but to tell the Boy-Who-Lived the truth. "Yeah I did."

"That's what I thought." Harry said.

The young man then cocked back his hand and threw it back into the redhead's face. Ron went down with a hard thud and most of the Gryffindor house saw what happened. The funny thing was that none of them seemed concerned. In fact, all of them applauded Harry instead. Harry shook his head in annoyance and headed out of the common room to be by himself. It was hours later before anyone found Harry, but that was because he came back to the common room and went to sleep. Thankfully there was no Quidditch game tomorrow and Harry decided to take the day for himself away from everyone. With time on his hands, he finally started to scheme about how to get back at Hermione.


	7. Chapter 7: Harry Has a Drug Problem

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry is forced to play as the Seeker in the first Quidditch game for the Gryffindor team. The boy catches the snitch in a matter of minutes without having to do anything, which consequently makes Harry extremely pissed off. Ginny contacts Harry, and Harry punches Ron in the face.

* * *

 **Chapter 7: Harry Has a Drug Problem**

"What in the hell is he talking about, Hermione?" Harry asked his bushy-haired friend. The boy was coming back from Transfiguration class and he noticed that Ron was incredibly spaced out, wandering around all tipsy and sputtering nonsensical gibberish on the school grounds.

"I don't know, Harry. I found him like this just a moment ago." Hermione replied. "Ron? Can you understand what we're saying?"

"WOOOOOO! I'm flying guys! The ground is covered in marshmallows and unicorns are licking my hair! I need to take off my PANTS!" Ron exclaimed a little too loudly for everyone to hear. Most of the other students stopped dead in their tracks to hear the raving lunatic from Gryffindor, and Harry had to admit that it was getting too hysterical to listen to. Ron never did get his pants off thankfully.

"Okay, I think we need to get him to the Hospital Wing. Come on, Ron. Let's get you all fixed up." Hermione stated. The other students were trying their best not to laugh at Ron Weasley but were failing miserably.

"But the goblins are RAGING with hormones, Hermione! Quick let's catch them and ..." Ron said as he fell to the ground and passed out. Now that the show was over, the nearby students moved on and got away from him.

"Well that solves that problem." Harry muttered. With the flick of his wand, the redhead was levitated through the halls of Hogwarts. After minutes of senseless walking, the trio arrived at the Hospital Wing. Madam Pomfrey, the medical matron of the school, was not looking pleased with what she saw.

"Great Hysterical Helga what is going on here?"

"Madam Pomfrey we need help. Ron was … wait. Hold on. What on earth did you just say?" Harry asked.

"I said _"Great Hysterical Helga what is going on here?",_ Mr. Potter. Did you not hear me correctly?"

"Oh, I heard you correctly you senile old fuck. Why in the world did you just say that though?"

"Mr. Potter, have you not heard similar sayings around the castle yet? No? Well, let me explain. The Hogwarts house you get sorted into depends on the saying that is said when something stressful, exciting, or surprising happens."

"Oh. So what's the saying if you're in Gryffindor?"

" _Good Godric_ is the appropriate phrase, Harry." Hermione said.

"Okay. What about the Ravenclaws?"

" _Raving Rowena_." Madam Pomfrey informed the boy.

"Alright then. You might as well tell me what you say in Slytherin while you're at it." Harry stated.

"Oh very well, Mr. Potter. The phrase is " _What in the name of Salazar_ ". Are you satisfied now?"

"What? That makes no sense! Why do the other three houses rhyme but the Slytherins get something that sounds normal?" Harry asked with a lot of irritation in his question.

"I'm not sure, Mr. Potter. I will have to ask the Headmaster sometime."

"Whatever. I swear the magical world is full of complete bullshit sometimes."

"Madam Pomfrey can you please help Ron?" Hermione said in order to get the group focused on the topic at hand. Harry apparently didn't get that memo and proceeded to continue on as if Hermione said nothing.

"So you're one of those puffs I take it?" Harry asked as he directed his question to the old healer.

"Yes, that's correct, Mr. Potter." Madam Pomfrey stated.

"Well, that makes a whole lot of sense." Harry said sarcastically.

"What does that mean you little …" the old woman tried to say but was cut off by Hermione.

"Madam Pomfrey, please! Ron is clearly not well and we need to figure out why."

"Alright then. Please bring him over to the bed. I will perform a medical analysis on him."

Ron was still being levitated by Harry. So when the boy approached the bed, he canceled the spell. Potter was trying to get the Weasley boy placed on the bed, but he did the job half-assedly and didn't hit the intended target. Ron flopped on to the mattress and then proceeded to fall on to the floor. Harry had no idea how many brain cells he caused his friend to lose, but he didn't care for Ron's unfortunate mishap.

"Mr. Potter, please be careful! You could have seriously injured your friend here!" Madam Pomfrey said while almost shouting at the boy.

"I wasn't being careful you old crow. I just wanted to see what would happen if Ron slammed into the fucking ground like an anvil."

Thankfully the older healer did not hear him because if she did, Madam Pomfrey would have seriously chewed him out. The healer approached Ron and used her magic to lift him once again onto the bed.

"Okay children. What seems to be the problem with Mr. Weasley?"

"Ron was acting quite strange, Madam Pomfrey. He was muttering something about goblins and unicorns. Then out of nowhere, he screeched something about taking off his pants. It was strange to see him this way." Hermione admitted. Since Harry was once again reminded of the events from a few minutes ago, he tried extremely hard to not laugh, but a few chuckles did get out.

"Very well. Let's examine him to see what's wrong." Madam Pomfrey stated.

After performing a few diagnostic spells, the witch was able to determine the cause of Ron's weird behavior.

"Hmm. Well, this is odd. It seems your friend ingested a lot of magic mushrooms that were growing around the school. This would explain why he was hallucinating and acting differently."

"Wait. Did you just say magical mushrooms? As in drugs? Are there drugs here at Hogwarts?" Harry said with a ton of interest.

"Well … yes … it appears to be that way, Mr. Potter. Where did you see Mr. Weasley acting strange, Miss Granger?" Madam Pomfrey asked.

"He was over by the school grounds, Madam Pomfrey."

"I see. Did either of you happen to see any mushrooms growing nearby?"

"I didn't see any. Did you, Harry?" Hermione asked.

"No, but if I did I would have taken them too. I could use a good trip into the twilight zone right about now."

"Please don't joke about this, Mr. Potter."

"I'm not joking you fucking crone." Harry stated with a lot of anger behind his response.

"What can we do to help, Madam Pomfrey?" Hermione asked the older woman. The Potter boy's comment was brushed off like it was nothing.

"I would normally send Filch to clean up this matter, but since he is completely useless, I guess I will have to rely on the both of you to fix this problem." Madam Pomfrey admitted to the kids. "Can I trust the both of you to act responsibly and quickly kill the mushrooms?"

"Why not ask Hagrid, you idiot? He is the groundskeeper after all!" Harry pointed out to the old witch.

"Hagrid is away from the school, Mr. Potter. Besides he has proven himself to be incompetent and I would rather you two eleven-year-olds solve this problem instead."

Harry just stood there dumbfounded by Madam Pomfrey's response. Man, these magical people are idiots. Oh well. If the school healer wanted him to go find magic drugs then Harry wasn't going to stop her.

"I'll ask again children. Can you two take care of this problem or not?" Madam Pomfrey demanded to know.

"Yes, Madam Pomfrey." Hermione said like a good girl.

"Absolutely fucking not, Madam Pomfrey." Harry truthfully admitted like the little hellion that he was.

"Good! Now go while I fix up Mr. Weasley. He should be back to normal by dinner time." Madam Pomfrey stated.

And just like that, the two adolescents left the Hospital Wing. The both of them could not possibly attend to the mushroom situation at the time, however, because the both of them had to head to lunch. It was agreed that the two friends would head to the grounds afterward and finally get rid of the shrooms together. Well, Hermione agreed anyway. Harry just crossed his fingers behind his back while Hermione was blabbing away. It seemed like forever for the Potter boy, but the two Gryffindors eventually made their way to the school grounds.

"Finally. Lets go find those mushrooms, Hermione." Harry said.

"Indeed. The sooner we find them, the sooner the school will be safe."

Harry immediately rolled his eyes after hearing Hermione's response. Of course, she would say something that annoyingly noble. It's no wonder why she was sorted into Gryffindor. A few minutes passed by, and the two lions were beginning to lose hope. It seemed like the medical witch was mistaken and there were no mushrooms to speak of. Just when the pair were about to give up, Harry spotted the drugs underneath the nearby bench. The boy's eyes widened and his smile grew across his entire face. Harry knew it was going to be impossible to grab the mushrooms right now, but perhaps he could return later without Hermione's knowledge?

"Okay, I give up, Hermione. There aren't any mushrooms around here."

"I agree, Harry. It seems Madam Pomfrey was wrong about the mushrooms after all."

Harry then proceeded to walk towards the doors of the school and pushed his bushy friend along with him. It was several hours later when the duo were done with classes and made their way to the Great Hall for dinner. It seemed as if it would be two of them having dinner with one another, but a few moments later Ron Weasley showed up and plopped himself down on the seat next to Harry.

"Hey, guys!"

"I didn't invite you to sit next to me you fuck." Harry said as he insulted Ron.

"Hey, Ron! Are you feeling better?" Hermione asked.

"Loads. I can't believe I ate those mushrooms. If I had known, I wouldn't have done it."

"You mean you purposely ate those, Ron? What were you thinking? You know you could have been killed? Why did you do it in the first place?" Hermione scolded him.

"I was hungry, Hermione! It was getting incredibly hard to not eat after Transfiguration class, so when I found the mushrooms I ate them! I didn't know they would make me go crazy!"

Harry rolled his eyes again. "Ron you are without a doubt the most idiotic person I've ever met. You don't go eating random shrooms off the ground you moron! What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Oh boy, chicken wings! I'm starved!" Ron said as he started diving face first into the massive pile of wings laid before him. Harry was a bit irritated by the fact that the Weasley boy ignored his hurtful question, but there was nothing he could do about it. The Boy-Who-Lived was going to have to accept that Ron Billius Weasley was an absolute imbecile and there was nothing Harry could do to fix him.

"Where did you find those mushrooms, Ron? Harry and I were searching everywhere but we could not find them!" Hermione asked her redheaded friend.

"Uhm if uh ung ah binch." Ron muttered while chewing extremely fast.

"Chew your food you fucking hippo!" Harry said.

"Sawwy. In ef ungeh un binch!" Ron tried to say again but no one could understand him. The young man was inhaling the wings so fast that any normal human being wouldn't have been able to see them being devoured. Harry would have been impressed if he wasn't grossed out.

"Swallow your food, Ronald!" Hermione demanded. Harry couldn't take it anymore. He decided that enough was enough carefully slammed his elbow into Ron's gut. The Weasley boy then began to choke on the twenty chicken wings in his mouth profusely and fell to the floor. Hermione then shouted for assistance from the professors at the front, but Ron was already turning blue. By the time anyone arrived, Ron Weasley was pronounced dead at the scene. Just kidding. Ron was put into a magical stasis and was lifted by Professor McGonagall over to the Hospital Wing. Thankfully Ron was not able to reveal where he had found Harry's precious wizard drugs, because Hermione would have gotten rid of them immediately.

"Potter! What did you do to Weasley?" Severus Snape demanded to know from Harry.

"Oh god, it's you, Snape. I didn't do a damn thing to him."

"LIES! I saw you start to choke that poor boy and did nothing to help him! Fifty points from Gryffindor and a week's long detention with me!"

"Stop it, SSSeverus! We alll saw that Mmmmr. Potter didn't do annytthing!" Professor Quirrell lashed back at Snape.

"Stay out of this, Quirrell. It's obvious that Potter tried to kill his friend and then cover it up. He's just like his father! Somehow the celebrity of Hogwarts always gets away with his crimes! I demand that his punishment remain!"

"Severus that is enough!" Dumbledore said as he boomed his voice from behind the potions master. At this moment the entire student body stopped eating and decided to watch what was unfolding before them. "I will not have you intimidate Mr. Potter when you have no idea what really happened! If you will not remove Mr. Potter's punishment, and give him back those points, then I will and you will be removed from the Great Hall. Besides you have no proof that Mr. Potter did anything sinister at all!"

"No proof, Headmaster? I saw with my own eyes that Potter …" Snape tried to say but was cut off.

"Quit lying, Severus! You're picking on Mr. Potter on purpose. Stop being so resentful towards the boy." Professor Flitwick exclaimed.

"I will not be intimidated by you, Flitwick! I know Potter did something to that Weasley boy and I'm going to …"

"Severus! Will you leave quietly or will I have to escort you out?" Dumbledore said threateningly towards his staff member. The greasy man then looked into the Headmaster's eyes and he could see that the old man was not kidding around.

"Hmmph! Fine, Potter. Your punishment is canceled and your points are reinstated." Snape begrudgingly admitted while looking at the hellspawn of James Potter and Lily Evans. The Potions Master then turned abruptly and left the Great Hall as soon as he could. The remaining professors went back to the front of the Great Hall and began to eat again.

After Snape left, the students started to eat their lunches again. Harry was grateful that Dumbledore stood up to the greasy bastard who lived in the dungeons, so he gave the Headmaster a friendly smile that the old man quickly returned. The boy then turned his attention back to the girl in front of him.

"What an asshole. Where does that git get off by accusing me? I didn't try to kill Ron!" Harry said whilst secretly wishing that Ron did choke on the number of chicken wings in his mouth. Perhaps that would teach him to have some god damn table manners.

"Professor Snape is just a jerk! Why would he try to single you anyway? It makes no sense!"

"What do you mean why? Hermione, Snape just said a moment ago that I am like my father and always get away with everything. Were you not listening?"

"That's Professor Snape, Harry. He is a teacher after all." Hermione corrected him.

"Oh fuck you, Hermione."

Hermione decided to change the topic back to the mushrooms on the grounds of the school.

"So it seems there were mushrooms, after all, Harry. If Ron wasn't so careless with his obnoxious eating habits we could have found them!"

"Oh darn it, Hermione. Ron couldn't tell us where the mushrooms were. I guess we will have to try later." Harry said while trying to hide his true intentions.

"I know. I wish Ronald would stop acting so juvenile and just talk without any food in his mouth."

"Good luck with that, Hermione. I think it would be easier to dodge rain in a thunderstorm than to teach Ron any kind of manners." The brunette laughed a little at Harry's comment about their friend.

"Well, I suppose we could look for the mushrooms, Harry. I'm sure we can find them if we keep looking." Hermione said.

"Actually don't worry about it, Hermione. Why don't you just go have fun in the library while I go find them after lunch?"

"Well if you insist, Harry!" Hermione exclaimed with a joyous expression on her face. "I wonder if the book on flesh-eating slugs is in? I tried checking it out last week, but …"

"Ok ok, Hermione. I fucking get it. Go and have fun and I'll see you later." Harry quickly stated to the know it all girl.

"Thanks, Harry! See you later." Hermione then ran off to the library while Harry instantly left the table and proceeded to go outside. The boy then muttered under his breath that Hermione was a moron and ran to his magical drug supply that was hidden underneath the bench on the school grounds.

"Finally!" Harry said as he quickly retrieved the mushrooms and sprinted in a flash all the way back to his dorm room. Thankfully the other Gryffindors were not around. The boy instantly devoured the drugs and waited for the side effects to begin. In no time at all, Harry was in a complete euphoria of colors that formed into the shape of a kaleidoscope.

The boy was astounded by the images that surrounded him. Leprechauns were dancing in the nearby corner and began showering Harry with an abundance of gold that flew out of a rainbow. The sky then started to rain and the droplets turned into turkey legs that were quickly eaten by geese with oversized jaws. While this was happening, Harry started to swim in the air as if all the gravity from the world was removed. In no time at all, the young lion approached a tall cliff and jumped off into the abyss of magical LSD. The result caused Harry to be contaminated in the watery drug lake but was saved by a flying television that pulled him out.

"Harry!" a sound from the heavens started to say. Harry wasn't paying attention however and instead ran into a nearby meadow completely naked. His clothes mysteriously disappeared but the young man didn't seem to care.

"Harry, snap out of it!" The voice from above commanded again, but the boy wasn't listening. Since he was naked, the lion started to roll around in the psychedelic flowers that released a gas of drugs in his face. The sensations around him were incredible!

"HARRY!" the voice said one final time. The young man then felt a hard slap on his face and instantly awoke from the drug world that surrounded him. When he came to, Harry noticed that yes, he was naked, and was in the middle of the Quidditch pitch. The person who slapped him turned out to be none other than Neville Longbottom.

"Goddammit, Neville! Why did you stop my fun?" Harry asked grumpily. "I was about to be engulfed by the drug flowers in the fields of magical acid!"

"Thank god I found you, Harry! You were acting crazy and removed your clothes! What happened?"

"Magical Mushrooms, Neville. That has got to be the greatest shit on the planet. I really want to get some more!" Harry said with a crazy look in his eyes. Unfortunately, the young man fell to the ground in exhaustion. The drugs were way too much for him and he needed to rest. Seeing that Neville was the only one around, he gave Harry his sweater and proceeded to levitate his body to the Hospital Wing. Hopefully, the ever sarcastic Mr. Potter would be on his feet in no time.


	8. Chapter 8: Hell-O-Ween (Part 1)

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Ron eats some magic mushrooms and accidentally gets high. Harry comes back later to eat some himself, and the result ends with him being naked on the Quidditch pitch.

* * *

 **Chapter 8: Hell-O-Ween (Part 1)**

"It's LEVI-OHHH-SAH. Not LEVIO-SAH!" Ron Weasley exclaimed as he was doing his best to mock his "friend" Hermione Granger. There was a group of boys surrounding Ron which included Harry, Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas, and Neville Longbottom. The group of boys were all from Gryffindor, and also felt the same way about Hermione being annoying.

Today was Halloween, but it was shaping up to be a shitty day so far. In Charms Class, Professor Flitwick made all the first years review the past spells that had been taught since the first week. _Wingardium Leviosa_ was one of those spells. Since Hermione couldn't help correcting Ron any chance she could get, the bushy brunette got on his case about the pronunciation of the spell. Ron must have been extremely pissed off because he had been shouting at the air for the past few minutes.

"She's a nightmare, honestly! No wonder why she hasn't got any friends!" Ron continued as he expressed his frustration at the girl. The boys in the small group were all feeling the same way, but Ron was the only idiot to say anything out loud.

At that moment, Hermione went past the group of boys and had tears streaming down her face. Harry Potter saw that Hermione was upset and suddenly felt a little bad for the girl. Even though Harry had been torturing everyone since the first day of school, he didn't feel great when someone else was doing it. That was when the boy decided to stand up to Weasley.

"Shut the fuck up, Ron! It's not her fault that you're such a dumbass. If you can't pronounce the spell correctly, then don't even bother trying. Maybe if you actually tried to study, instead of jerking off, you could be just as good as Hermione."

Ron, Seamus, Neville, and Dean all were surprised to hear something out of Harry considering he was quiet for most of the day. It's not that he wanted to be quiet, but today signified the death of both his mother and father, so Harry didn't feel like saying much. The boys all turned their attention to Potter and each one of them had surprised looks on their faces.

"Harry, she's annoying, and you know it too. Why aren't you joining us?" Ron asked. Dean, Neville, and Seamus all wondered why Harry wasn't joining them either. Harry then took this opportunity to step closer to Ron. The redhead was going to get the thrashing of a lifetime.

"You know something, Ron? If it weren't for Hermione, you would be failing all your classes. Maybe you should think things over while you're in the Hospital Wing."

"When I'm in the wha…" Ron tried to say but couldn't finish that sentence.

Harry cocked his hand back and released his fist with all the power in the world on the redhead. If magic wasn't real, the boy wouldn't have believed with his own eyes what happened next. The Weasley boy absorbed the ferocity of the entire punch and flew in the air a few stories up to the rafters of the castle. Ron's robes were caught on the edge of a windowsill and his weight kept him in place. Harry didn't even blink.

"Oh … my … what happened?" Neville asked the other boys but they were just as confused as he was. No one was able to get an answer.

"Does anyone else want a go?" Harry asked the group.

Seamus and Dean ran as fast as their little legs could handle. Along the way, Seamus tripped over a rock and fell to the ground. No one seemed to notice including Dean who was halfway to Gryffindor tower by now. Neville stayed behind.

"Yes, Neville?"

"How in the world did you do that, Harry?" Neville asked.

"Don't know, don't care, Neville. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find Hermione."

"So you're really going to help her, Harry? I thought you wanted to prank her for being so annoying?"

"She may be annoying, Neville, but she didn't deserve that from Ron. If anything, it should have been me that made her fucking upset." Harry admitted.

"Do you want me to come with you, Harry?"

"No. If anything you should tell someone about Ron. I'm guessing he won't survive long up there."

Neville didn't say anything and decided to take Harry's advice. While Harry went off towards the Great Hall, the cowardly lion ran off to the nearest available teacher, which unfortunately happened to be Severus Snape. It was even more unfortunate because Neville ran smack dab into Professor Snape and had almost knocked him over.

"Mr. Longbottom, is there any particular reason why you are sprinting through the corridors with no regard for anyone's safety? Perhaps you would be able to see better if you had a torch with you? I would have said to use _Lumos_ , but we both know you are incompetent with even the simplest of spells." Snape drawled.

"Professor Snape, I need your help! Ron Weasley is …"

"I have no time for your childish games, Mr. Longbottom. Standing here talking to you is a complete waste of my time. I have many potions to check on that require my full attention, and because of your ignorance, you have thrown off my schedule by three minutes! Get out of my sight."

"But professor …"

"Out of my way, Mr. Longbottom! Thirty points will be taken from Gryffindor because you cannot follow simple directions. Don't bother me again, or it will be another thirty points and a week of detentions with me." Snape said while sneering at the young man. The dark clothed professor then hurried past the first year.

Neville took the hint and ran in the nearest available direction that was not near Snape. The quickest passageway led towards the stairs of the school, so Neville ran up the steps as fast as he could. The first room to check was the Transfiguration class. Neville speedily went up to the door and pushed it open as quickly as he could.

" … and that is why … Mr. Longbottom? What are you doing here? Would you mind explaining why you have decided to interrupt my class?" Professor McGonagall inquired.

"Professor, I need your help! Ron Weasley is …" Neville started to say.

"Ronald Weasley is where he should be, Mr. Longbottom! I thought you would be smart enough to follow in his footsteps, and keep your wits about you. I suggest you make your way over to herbology before you are late to class." McGonagall said whilst dismissing the boy.

Neville wanted to protest but instead decided to leave. On his way out, Minerva McGonagall demanded that he never interrupt her class again. Seeing as he didn't have a choice, Neville agreed and left. Things were starting to get hectic for Neville because he was running out of time. Ron may not have that long until he would fall stories to the ground below. With no other options at the present time, Neville ran back into the courtyard to see if Ron was still hanging above.

When he arrived, Neville was shocked to see that Ron was not hanging in the air as before. It seemed that Ron must have fallen to his doom. Realizing that this could land him in a ton of trouble, Neville ran off. He would never admit what had happened here today. Forget what the professors would do to him. If Harry found out about this, Neville would be fish food by dinner.

Meanwhile, Harry was searching the castle looking for Hermione but couldn't find her. He knew that she did go in the direction of the Great Hall because he saw her go that way, but after that, he had no idea. After he turned a few corners, Harry heard the distinguished voice of Severus Snape, and it looked like he was angry at Neville.

"It figures Neville-Fucking-Longbottom would get caught by Snape doing something. I asked him to do one thing. Just ONE simple thing!" Harry sighed after realizing he had asked a moron to go get Ron some help from a professor. Harry knew finding Hermione was going to be difficult right now, but he had to correct his mistake with Ron and fix it quickly.

Harry went back to the courtyard to find Ron still high above the castle ledges. With the wave of his wand, Harry used _Wingardium Leviosa_ to get Ron down from up high. When the Weasley boy was somewhat down on the ground, Harry released the spell. Ron fell a good fifteen feet and Harry could not have cared less. Ron landed in some bushes and would have some pain when he woke up from the branches scratching his face.

Now that Ron was taken care of, Harry decided to trek back to the school in search of Hermione. It took a good five minutes before Harry arrived at the Great Hall, but by that time lunch was starting to wind down. The boy stuck his head in the Great Hall but could not locate Hermione anywhere. He figured she wouldn't have come here, but it was better to check than to not. The bell for classes rang and Harry realized he was out of time to continue to look for Hermione. Perhaps she would turn up in Herbology, but the boy wasn't holding his breath.

Herbology came and went, with neither Ron nor Hermione showing up. Harry was disappointed that Ron did not come to class because he would have loved a second go at the blockhead. Harry was also concerned about Hermione. Not because he wanted to hurt her, but because she looked quite upset at being told she had no friends. Harry could relate to her on some level since his fuck-nugget-of-a-whale-cousin Dudley kept everyone away from him or else they'd be hurt. That and Harry's aunt and uncle promised to kill anyone who would be his friend. Harry desperately need to have a heart-to-heart talk with his relatives when he came back in the summer. Maybe it would involve dismemberment of some kind, or everyone being turned into frogs, or maybe a swarm of bees that would never leave their faces. Whatever would happen, Harry was going to get his revenge and no one would deny him of that.

After Herbology, Harry decided to look around a little more for Hermione by first stopping off at the library. When he approached the desk of Madam Pince, the school librarian, things started to get interesting again.

"Hello, can I help you?" Pince asked the young man in front of her.

"Wow, I never thought I would end up in this part of the school. Guess there's a first time for everything." Harry said under his breath.

"What did you say, young man?"

"I said have you seen Hermione Granger around? You know who I'm talking about right? She's short, has bushy hair, and she's really full of herself. Ring any bells?"

Madam Pince thought about it for two seconds before she recalled the girl in her head.

"Oh, I know who you're talking about! Yeah that Granger girl. She's in here every single day and reads at least one book before going back to her common room."

"That sounds like her. So have you seen …" Harry asked but was interrupted.

"I have never seen such a devoted student to her studies. With her determination and knowledge, she could become the Minister of Magic one day! I wish all the other students were as resourceful as her."

"Great." Harry dragged on as obnoxiously as possible. "Can you please tell me if you've seen her or not? I have a lot to fucking do today you time-stealing-vampire."

" … why she could even organize this entire library! I wonder if it would be possible to have her as an assistant? She certainly …" Madam Pince continued to say but Harry cut her off for the final time.

"I didn't ask what she fucking does all day, woman! Tell me if you've seen her today or not, so I can get out there and keep looking if need be."

"Hmm, I don't think I have seen her come by. Then again it is a holiday so maybe she took a day off from the library. Have you seen her today?" Madam Pince asked Harry.

"Did you not hear me about … oh, I don't know … TEN SECONDS AGO when I asked you that exact same god damn question?

"That is a good idea! Maybe she did go back to her common room! I would try there." Madam Pince informed the boy. Harry growled in irritation.

"Thanks for not helping at all you fucking bonehead." Harry said as he made his way to leave. As he left Pince's desk, the old woman stopped him.

"Wait, hold on there. I noticed that you don't happen to have a library card. Would you like to sign up for one since you're still here?"

"Why in the name of Godric Gryffindor would I want to do that?" Harry asked aloud. He then started wondering why in the hell he mentioned Godric Gryffindor at all. He must have been having an off day for that to have happened.

"If you don't have a library card, then you can't check out any of these books! That's why young man."

"I don't need to read, ever, because I'm Harry Potter."

"Yes. Yes, you are. But don't you think you may need to come to the library at some point? Maybe not now, but in a few years time you will have some incredibly hard term papers and will need the assistance of the library to complete them."

"Nope. I won't need to read a single book while I am here. Do you want to know why?" Harry asked.

"Why?"

"All I have to do is write one single fucking sentence on my homework that says _Go Fuck Yourself_ , or _The Magical World is a massive Shit-heap_. Something like that. I have gotten straight O's so far this year because of it." Harry proudly admitted. The boy didn't mention however that Snape was the only dickhead to not give him an O. It seemed better to lie at that moment.

Harry had not tested the cursing experiment on his letter to Ginny Weasley at the time, but ever since he found out that he can curse on his homework and get away with it, Harry wanted to write paragraphs of curse words on the next letter to the little redhead girl.

"Well, that's a great study habit young man! Keep up the good work! Make sure to come back if you change your mind about getting a library card." Madam Pince exclaimed as she waved goodbye to Harry on his way out.

"Fuckin' weirdos." Harry muttered under his breath. He waved back to Madam Pince as well, but he used four fingers less than she was waving.

Harry wandered out of the library stuck in the same situation that he was before, but now he was angrier than earlier. Madam Pince really set him off because of how much she kept going on and on about Hermione being the perfect student. Where did she get off? The boy needed to get this frustration out and quick because he was extremely pissed off! Thankfully the answer to his prayers came just around the corner.

"Hey, Harry! You'll never believe …" Ron tried to say but was punched square in the face by Harry. The redhead fell to the floor like a sack of heavy bricks.

"DAMN that felt good!" Harry exclaimed loudly. As he was walking away, Harry did thank whatever deity was out there that brought Ronald Billius Weasley into his life. Although Harry had no idea how Ron recovered so quickly, the Boy-Who-Lived didn't care. The Weasley boy was just so damn punchable. Plus he was already dealing with a lot already since his parents died eleven years ago today, and Hermione had gone missing thanks to Ron's idiocy.

Now that Ron was out like a light, Harry turned his attention back to finding his genius friend. Unfortunately, he didn't have any more luck for the rest of the day. Well, that is until dinner. Harry had finally got done with his Defense Against the Dark Arts class and made his way down to the Great Hall for dinner with Neville Longbottom. The two were discussing the fun games of exploding snap that they had played earlier that week when they arrived for dinner. As the two sat across from one another, the plates around them filled up with candy, sweet treats, the most succulent of meats, and tons of pumpkin juice.

"Dear … Godric. There's so much!" Neville said with his eyes wider than the entire damn table.

"I must say this does look amazing. I can't decide what to eat first!" Harry stated.

"I can't either!" A voice from behind Harry said. The boy turned to see who talked to him and was irritated when he discovered who it was.

"For the love of any and all gods, goddesses, and magical spirits out there, WHY are you here?" Harry asked Ron.

The Weasley boy had a few teeth missing, a bruised eye, and looked like he fell down a story or two because his clothes were torn. None of this was surprising in the least considering Harry punched Ron in the face twice, Ron fell down about twenty feet from Harry's spell work, Ron's clothes were torn because of the bush he woke up in, and since Ron was just clumsy all the time, it was only a matter of time before he slipped on something or ran into a wall of some kind.

"I made a complete recovery, Harry! Madam Pomfrey got me all fixed up and said I could come back for dinner. She did say I had to be careful afterward though. If I end up in the Hospital Wing again, I may get a permanent change in my brain activity." Ron stated.

Harry's eyes grew just as wide as Neville's did when he saw the display of food on the table.

 _"So Ron is in danger of getting his intelligence lowered huh? I think I'll need to exploit this."_ Harry thought.

Harry turned back to Ron and noticed that once again he was shoving about fifty chicken wings in his mouth. The kid looked like a garbage disposal unit sent from the depths of hell that sucked up everything in the entire area. The entire scene was a display of carnage, chaos, and uncontrollable craziness. It was ridiculous.

Neville looked like he was going to throw up after seeing Ron shove all the food in his mouth, and Harry was not far behind him. Moments later, Ron started inhaling the cakes and candies that were all around him as well. If someone were to describe what was going on in front of them, Harry would have made it sound like the tasmanian devil came through and destroyed the food platters with his tornado from the far east.

Harry decided to make Ron's life a little more painful today by stopping this madness once and for all. Ron was going to have to start eating properly or he would be eating all further meals through a straw. Upon reflection, Harry had to wonder why in Godric's green earth (he tried not to say it again) Ron's parents didn't ever try to correct his horrible eating habits. Harry also wondered if Ginny ever tried to kill Ron from the disgusting food cyclone that came from his pinhole.

Harry then asked Ron if he wanted to eat even more food. The boy nodded in response and Harry put all of the food on his plate on to Ron's. Seeing this, Ron swallowed his food too. Since Ron was not watching his friends, Harry sought the opportunity to strike. Using all the force in the world, Harry punched Ron in the side. Weasley spewed the food out of his mouth and started choking on the excess food that was already within. Then Harry took his elbow and slammed it into Ron's head. The redhead fell to the ground with such force that the ground quaked. Not only that, but Ron bounced a few times and ended up flopped on top of the Slytherin table. Draco Malfoy was an unreasonable brat. So when he saw Ron-Fuckbutt-Weasley bounce onto the Slytherin table, he whipped his wand out so fast and shouted an _Expelliarmus_ at the fat whale. Ron then flew to the far walls of the professor's table, and no one gave one damn at all.

The rest of the students in the Great Hall did not even notice what happened in the slightest, so they continued on as if nothing happened. Unfortunately, this grace of peace did not last because Professor Quirrell entered the Great Hall and screamed something that had everyone in a panic.

"TROLL … IN THE DUNGEONS! TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS!" The man exclaimed. "Just thought you'd want to know."

The man fell to the floor, and everyone inside the Great Hall, with the exception of Harry, screamed at the top of their lungs.


	9. Chapter 9: Hell-O-Ween (Part 2)

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Ron makes fun of Hermione on Halloween, which sends Harry into a frenzy of anger. Harry harms Ron more than once, and tries to find Hermione throughout the day, but comes up empty-handed. Professor Quirrell shouts that a troll is in the dungeons.

* * *

 **Chapter 9: Hell-O-Ween (Part 2)**

The entire Great Hall was shocked that a troll happened to get into the castle. Not only that but it seemed the creature seemed to get into the dungeons. Everyone was in a panic with tons of screaming and yelling all around. Harry Potter wasn't the least bit worried at all.

The screaming continued to escalate to the point of being overkill. Finally, at long last, Dumbledore rose from his seat and used Sonorous for everyone to hear what he was saying.

"SILEEENNNNCCE!" The old wizard yelled. "If everyone would please not panic!"

Everyone seemed to stop screaming for the time being. There wasn't a single sound in the entire room for all to hear. Now that Dumbledore had control of the situation, he continued to speak.

"Now listen very carefully. Prefects, please escort your fellow housemates to your common rooms. The Head Boy and Girl need to do this as well. The professors and I will take care of the troll." Dumbledore the towards the other professors. "Teachers please follow me to the dungeons!"

With that final command, everyone began to move towards their assigned destinations. As Harry started to move with his fellow Gryffindors, Neville spoke up about something that completely escaped everyone else in their house.

"What about Hermione, Harry? She doesn't know about any of this!"

"I'm sure the prefects will find her, Neville. Besides we shouldn't go after this troll if it's as scary as it sounds."

"Where's your sense of courage, Harry? I'm sure ... we can find her."

"I'm not afraid, Neville. I'm just not stupid either and would not like to die. If you want to go after Hermione, then go ahead. I'm not going to stop you." Harry said to his fellow housemate.

"Come on, Harry! We need to find her!"

Harry was a bit irritated that Neville wasn't taking no for an answer. After thinking about it, it would be better to go find Hermione. She would owe him a serious favor after that, and how could Harry turn that down?

"Fine. But if we don't find Hermione, then you're taking the fucking blame."

"Come on, Harry, let's go!" Neville said as he urged his friend to hurry.

The two boys went in the opposite direction of the rest of the students. Since Harry knew the castle a little better than Neville, he led the way towards the dungeons. When the boys arrived, Harry and Neville relieved that they could not locate the monster anywhere. The boys decided to check further down the hallway and in an instant they heard screaming followed by a sound that sounded like a giant crash into the wall. The boys followed the sound to a nearby room and tried to open the door. It was stuck. Neville shoved the door open eventually got it to open. The two boys were surprised to see it was the girl's restroom on the lower floor. As soon as the door opened, Harry and Neville could see that the troll was inside and he had a huge ass club that he was swinging around like it was a piñata bat. Unfortunately, the troll was swinging the club towards the screaming sound that was inside the bathroom stall. The doors fell down and revealed that Hermione was inside one of the stalls.

"HERMIONE, MOVE!" Harry yelled towards the girl. She seemed to have gotten the message because she crawled underneath the stall that was closest to her. That seemed to be a not so great idea either because the troll knocked that stall down too. Harry rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"HERMIONE, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!" Harry yelled again. This time she moved away from the stalls and tried to get over to where Harry and Neville were standing. Unfortunately, she got hit with the club too and flew about ten to fifteen feet. She landed just a foot or two short from where Harry and Neville were. Thankfully she didn't fall into the toilet water on the floor and drown. That would have been bad.

"What are we going to do, Harry?" Neville asked.

"What do you mean we're going to do you fucking moron? Hermione is knocked out, the troll is destroying everything, and we …" Harry was in mid-sentence when the troll came over. The damn thing was tall. Really tall. It was hulking over the two boys and began spewing drool all over the floor. Harry thought it was incredibly disgusting, but didn't have time to think about what he was seeing too much.

"Okay, Neville. I want you to back up very slowly and head back towards the door. I will try to grab Hermione, and …"

The troll swung his massive club once more while groaning like a gorilla. Neville was knocked out with the club as well but only flew a few feet towards the door. Harry was now completely by himself.

"Oh of course. I should have fucking known." Harry muttered while running far away from the gargantuan monster. He ran all the way to the other side of the bathroom while trying to come up with a plan.

"AHHHGURRHH!" the troll yelled. Seeing Harry run away made the monster really angry so he decided to follow him. After taking a few steps the troll happened to walk by one of the massive puddles on the floor and slip. The troll slipped on the floor and fell on to his back while the club flew into the air.

Harry watched as the club flew into the air and land squarely on the head of the troll. It was quite unbelievable the way things were happening around Hogwarts. First, he made the Quidditch team by doing absolutely nothing, he wasn't doing any of his homework yet still made good grades (even better than Hermione), then he caught the snitch by stretching his hands out, and now the troll got knocked out by sheer dumb luck. Harry could not believe how things were working out. Maybe by the end of the year, he would be the Minister of Magic.

A moment later, all the professors around Hogwarts stormed into the bathroom. Professor McGonagall took in the entire scene of what was played out before her. The bathroom was destroyed, Hermione Granger was unconscious and apparently had a few broken bones, Neville Longbottom wasn't looking any better and was closer to the rest of the professors, the troll was knocked out on the floor with the club on its head, and Harry Potter was near the other side of the bathroom.

"Oh, my word. What is going on here, Mr. Potter? What happened to the bathroom?" McGonagall asked the boy.

"I wish I knew, professor. First Neville gets my ass over here to find Hermione, then we stumble upon the troll. The damn thing destroys the god damn bathroom, hurts Hermione and Neville, then it knocks itself out by complete coincidence. I have no idea how any of this happens. I must be the luckiest guy alive."

"I can't believe you took out the troll all by yourself, Mr. Potter! I would normally take away points because of your sheer stupidity, but since you showed valiant courage in the face of danger, I have no choice but to reward you. 50 points for Gryffindor!" McGonagall stated.

Harry's jaw dropped to the floor. He was astounded that these people were treating him like the god damn messiah around this school. Fine. If he was going to be treated this way, he might as well milk it for all its worth.

"Uh .. yeah! Yeah, I beat the troll. It was all me. Harry Potter. Troll exterminator extraordinaire!"

"AH HA! I knew Potter was behind this! Once again he does whatever he wants and doesn't even consider the consequences! He never shows up to class, he harasses the other students, and he barely turns in any homework! I want him expelled, Headmaster!" Severus Snape just exclaimed out of nowhere. Most of the professors stared at the git like he was some sort of two-headed alien. Just then, McGonagall flew into a rage.

"Severus you have no authority here! I am the boy's head of house and you have no business getting into my affairs. I suggest you find yourself scarce. Get your head out of your pompous ass while you're at it too."

Snape was at a loss for words after that. Since his tail was between his legs, the potions master sneered at Harry Potter one last time before leaving. Harry sneered back at the greasy man and watched as he left the room.

"I happen to agree with Severus, Harry." Dumbledore said aloud. Most of the professors started to look at Albus Dumbledore with murderous intent. Harry wasn't behaving any better. Before all of the teachers decided to point their wands at the old man, the Headmaster explained.

"Before you all decide to tell me your opinions, I want to explain myself. While Severus' comments were crude, I happen to agree with one thing he pointed out. Harry does seem to get away with a lot, and I feel that this behavior has to stop. We need to hold students responsible for their actions. For example, Harry does seem to skip classes from time to time and cause a ruckus over in the Great Hall sometimes, and now he took down a troll." Albus pointed out.

"And what about my fucking cursing, old man?" Harry asked in hopes that someone could finally understand him.

"Albus, don't you think you're going a little bit too far? Mr. Potter is an excellent student and I have never seen any of these accusations that Snape has claimed. How do we know that Snape is only doing this to get Harry into trouble?" McGonagall asked the Headmaster. It seemed that Harry's snide comment was ignored once again.

"Hello?! why don't you imbeciles ask me instead of talking amongst yourselves over there?" Harry asked with irritation. No one heard him and the professors continued to talk.

"I agree with Minerva, Albus. Mr. Potter has done outstanding work in my class as well. Also, I have never seen him miss a class once. I believe Severus is spinning tales about the boy here." Flitwick responded and pointed at Harry. Albus Dumbledore then turned to the last professor in the room.

"And what about you, Quirrell? How is Mr. Potter doing in your class?"

"Hey, how about you ask me yourself you god damn prune!" Harry exclaimed from across the bathroom.

"I'm sorry, Harry, but I cannot hear you. I must ask you to wait while I speak to your professor over here. Please tell us Professor Quirrell on Mr. Potter's standing in your class." Dumbledore stated. Harry rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Mr. Potttter … issss … doing vvverry welll .. in my classss! His worrk is tttttop notch. Whhhere did youuu hearrr these rrrrumors from, sssssir?" The professor with the purple turban on his head asked.

"Severus informed me of these claims. I was concerned he could be right. It was something that I needed to know."

Dumbledore pondered over the information that he was given by his fellow colleagues. It seemed that Severus Snape, his most trusted informant, was using his hatred for Harry Potter's father to make it look like the boy was not doing well and possibly even skipping classes.

"Very well. I seem to be mistaken, Mr. Potter. Please accept my humble apologies. I will make sure I am given the correct information in the future." Dumbledore spoke towards Harry.

Harry just nodded because he was tired of being talked down to without anyone actually asking if he did these things or not. The funny thing was he did do all of his accused "crimes" as Snape called it. Harry barely turned in homework, but the professors all gave him back something with high marks. Harry did skip classes a lot in order to do more worthwhile activities like flying or writing to Ginny, but none of the other professors or classmates have seen to catch on. And finally Harry does make life a living hell for his other housemates, but no one seemed to notice.

The professors decided there was nothing further to discuss. Two of the teachers levitated Hermione Granger and Neville Longbottom over to the Hospital Wing, while one of them stayed behind to clean up the damage to the bathroom. Since it was late, Harry decided to head back to Gryffindor Tower to get some shut-eye. All that "work" in the bathroom made him quite tired. Nah he just wanted to go to sleep so he could put this day behind him.

The next morning came quickly. Harry got a pretty good night's sleep and woke up feeling more refreshed than usual. He got dressed in record time, headed down to the common room, and abruptly stopped when he noticed that Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger were both sitting by the fire. The boy was a little confused they were let out so early, so he decided to go and talk to them.

"Hey, Ron. Hey, Hermione. You two feeling better?"

"What's that supposed to mean, Harry?" Ron shot back at his friend.

"Harry, you shouldn't say things that way Think what will happen if a prefect hears you talking like that!" Hermione said in a scolding like voice.

"What are you talking about? I'm talking like I normally would! I only asked if you were feeling okay."

"Stop it, Harry! I don't know why you're in this terrible mood, but you need to knock it off before someone hears you!" Hermione shot back.

"Why are you getting on my case, Hermione?"

"Quit it, Harry! Why are you being this way? What have we done to you?!" Ron exclaimed at the boy in front of him.

"Okay lets back up. All I did was come downstairs and see you two over here. I decided to come down and say hi when …" Harry stated before he was interrupted.

"Mr. Potter!" A voice from behind the three of them bellowed. Harry looked at who spoke, and it turned out it was none other than Percy Weasley. "I heard your foul language at these two, and I insist you come with me immediately."

"Percy, what are you talking about? I only came over here and asked if they were feeling better. What is wrong with you all?"

"That's it, Mr. Potter! You will follow me or I will stun you and then take you to McGonagall!" The older Weasley boy exclaimed.

Harry had no idea what was going on here, but he decided to head to McGonagall's quarters. It only took a few minutes for the journey to end, and Harry was feeling slightly nervous about his confrontation with his head of house. Percy knocked on the door and after a few seconds, he was allowed to come in. Harry was led inside first, with Percy right behind him. The young man was convinced that if he did not go inside, that Percy would shove him in.

"Mr. Weasley? I must say I am surprised to see you here at this hour. What is the matter?" Professor McGonagall asked.

"Professor, I had just come downstairs when I heard the foulest of language coming from Mr. Potter right here. It seems he was antagonizing two other Gryffindors and they were begging him to stop being such a prick."

"Is this true, Mr. Potter?" Harry's house directed her question to him.

"Professor I am confused. I don't know what I did back there, but if you all think I am cursing then I will …"

"ENOUGH, MR. POTTER!" McGonagall screeched. "It seems you were correct, Mr. Weasley. You may return to your duties, while I speak to Mr. Potter alone. Also please take 5 points for Gryffindor for reporting this problem to me right away."

"Thank you, professor." Percy said as he left. The older student slammed the door behind him which left Harry a little shaken up.

"I am completely shocked by your behavior, Mr. Potter. You were never like this before, so why the sudden change in attitude?"

"Nothing has changed, professor! I swear! I don't know how to explain it but …"

"Well, I never! It seems those points from last night were not deserved at all. I am taking those 50 points back, and you will serve detention with me every night this week. In addition, you will never, and I mean NEVER, talk that way around everyone. Are we clear?" McGonagall stated firmly at the boy.

"Yes, professor. I am going to go now." Harry said. For some reason, he was being yelled at for no reason at all, but he had to try and keep up appearances that everything was fine.

"That's it, Mr. Potter! I have had quite enough of you and your potty mouth! Normally I would take you directly to the Headmaster's office, but I can see that you would only cause him harm. I am severely disappointed in you! Gather your things and get out of Hogwarts! You are hereby banished from the castle!" Harry's eyes widened at this response. How could he be banished? He had to get to the bottom of this somehow.

"Professor please believe me! I don't know what's going on and I am freaking out! I swear I am not …"

"GET OUT, MR. POTTER! YOUR FOUL LANGUAGE AND DISGUSTING ATTITUDE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED!"

Harry did not need to be told twice. He ran all the way back to the Gryffindor Common Room and gathered his things in under a minute. When he was packed, the boy grabbed his trunk and quickly headed towards the doors of the castle. Just as he was about to leave Hogwarts forever, Harry ran into the one person he did not want to see.

"Good morning, Mr. Potter. I must say I am having a great day, and I hope you are as well. That being said, could you please explain why you are taking your things out of Hogwarts?" Severus Snape questioned.

"Snape? Why are you being nice to me? Is this a dream or something?"

"Silence child! I will not be spoken to that way! I will teach you a lesson you shan't soon forget!" The potions master sneered at the boy. In milliseconds, the git of a teacher drew his wand and shouted the _Expelliarmus_ spell at the Boy-Who-Lived. Harry screamed as the spell came into contact with him, and then suddenly passed out from the pain.

It may have been minutes, hours, days, or weeks, but Harry had no concept of time while asleep. When he finally woke, the healer of Hogwarts was at his bedside.

"Oh good, you're awake. Let's get this over with, Mr. Potter." Madam Pomfrey said with some annoyance.

"Madam Pomfrey please listen to me! The professors have gone crazy and think I'm constantly cursing at them!"

"Hmmph. I can see why everyone is so upset. I will not tolerate you threatening me, Mr. Potter. It seems the only thing we can do is put you out of your misery. Hold still. This will only take a second."

Madam Pomfrey headed to the front of Harry's bed and pointed her wand at the boy. Harry was shaking with fear but could not leave because he was magically bound to the bed. As Madam Pomfrey stated the killing curse, Harry screamed harder than he ever had in his entire life. There was nothing but black.

"Harry, wake up! You're having a nightmare!" Neville Longbottom worriedly said at his friend while shaking him awake.

Harry finally woke from his horrible dream with sweat dripping down his face. He could not tell what time it was, but the sun was not up so it was still early in the morning. Even though it was dark, Harry could tell that his other roommates were awake too. They all had shocked expressions on their faces.

"You okay, Harry? That must have been quite a dream if it caused you that much terror." Neville said.

"Yeah tell us, Harry. What happened? We only want to help." Seamus stated from a few beds over.

Harry was still shaking from his dream. The whole thing felt so real even if he knew in the back of his mind it was still a dream. After drying his face with a towel, Harry began to breathe normally. Unsure of what to say next thanks to the dream, Harry tried cursing again.

"It was fucking horrible guys. The teachers tried to get me banished from school, and Madam Pomfrey killed me in the Hospital Wing. I screamed so fucking loud that it must have awakened you asholes."

"Oh good. I'm glad it was nothing serious, Harry. You gave us all a right scare." Neville stated to his friend.

"Well, it looks like I'm fucking back to normal." Harry muttered quietly.

"What was that, Harry? We can't hear you from over here." Seamus asked.

"I said fuck you, Seamus. Your mother is a whore and you are nothing but a bastard child!"

"Thanks, Harry. I'm glad we're friends too!" The Irish boy replied back.

Harry was annoyed once again, but it wasn't too obvious because he was just glad that his dream wasn't real. Now that all the boys were heading back to bed, Harry tried to do the same but found sleep elusive. To pass the time, Harry decided to write another letter to his friend Ginny. The two were becoming quite close, and the boy wasn't even cursing at her like he would normally do to everyone else. Half an hour later the boy finished his letter to the girl. As if she heard him from miles away, Hedwig appeared and waited for Harry to hand over the letter. The boy stopped trying to figure out how his owl was so smart a long time ago. Harry gave Hedwig the letter and watched her soar off into the dead of night. Now that he felt better after what happened, Harry returned to his bed and fell asleep instantly.


	10. Chapter 10: Dog, Stone, and Christmas BS

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** After learning about the troll getting in the school, Neville convinces Harry to look for Hermione with him. The boys find her, but run into the troll. Harry receives all the credit for defeating the troll, even though he didn't do anything. Later that night, Harry has a nightmare that seemed a little too real for his liking.

 **NOTE:** Before I start, YES I do realize that the break-in of Gringotts happened much earlier than what I wrote, but who cares? I know it's not canon, but neither is my story. I know it happened in the official version of the story somewhere in July/August probably, but I wanted it here. If you don't like it, find a way to deal with it.

* * *

 **Chapter 10: A Vicious Dog, A Stupid Stone, and A Lot Of Christmas Bullshit**

Two months had passed since Halloween night and since that time there wasn't anything dangerous, life threatening, interesting, or weird going on at Hogwarts. Oh except for the fact that Harry, Ron and Hermione accidentally ran into the massive three headed dog by going into a wrong classroom on the third floor one day, there was a massive break-in at Gringotts Bank, Hagrid revealed to them that the Sorcerer's Stone exists thanks to his stupidity, also Harry got an invisibility cloak and got to see the Mirror of Erised on Christmas day. But we are going way too far and way too fast for all that. Let's focus on the three headed dog encounter first, shall we?

It wasn't too long after Halloween before the trio met the damn dog. It was weird how all three Gryffindors ended up there. The trio were minding their own business when all of a sudden the kids felt as if they were compelled to explore the third floor. As if their feet were forcing them too, the kids turned around, walked down the stairs and stopped in front of the door. The door was opened by Ron and the kids went inside.

"Why are we exploring this room? Dumbledore said that this room was out of bounds and we would die a painful death if we went in!" Hermione shrieked.

"I don't know. But I've never wanted to go somewhere so badly in all my life." said Ron. Harry rolled his eyes in annoyance.

"Don't you both see? It's a spell." Ron and Hermione looked at Harry as if he had three heads.

"What do you mean, Harry?" The boy rolled his eyes again. He was getting really annoyed today.

"Why else would we want to explore this room, Ron? We never had any desire to go here before, and then out of nowhere we go back downstairs and open the door as if we were familiar with it." Harry explained. "I think Dumbledore is behind this. It seems like something the old bastard of a goat would do. He usually gives me that "creepy old grandpa with a dastardly agenda" vibe whenever he looks at me."

"Oh don't be silly, Harry. Dumbledore is the greatest wizard alive! He wouldn't force us to go here." Ron stated.

"I agree with Ron. Dumbledore is a great headmaster and he always follows the rules!" Hermione said.

"You want to know what I think? I think your lack of brain cell activity is finally starting to show, Ron. And you, Hermione, are completely fucking delusional. Dumbledore is nothing more than a manipulative old fucker who turns people into his pawns to do his bidding. If you two can't see that, then there's no hope for you at all. You're better off just getting down on your knees and sucking the crypt keeper magician's cobwebbed dirty dick. That way he can at least thank you for being a good little slave and you can go back to being blissfully unaware that he made you give him a blowjob." The other two Gryffindors were agape with their mouths open and eyes shockingly wide.

"Harry, I'm surprised. I never thought you would say something like that about Dumbledore." Harry had to almost do a double take just to make sure he heard that correctly. Was Hermione finally able to hear him? Does that mean Ron could too? There was only one way to find out.

"What do you mean, Hermione?" Out of the two, Harry was secretly hoping that Ron could hear him if Hermione couldn't. Maybe the little red haired fucker would even start yelling at him! Or at worst, his sensitive ears would explode from the NC-17 rated content that was coming out of his mouth. Harry quickly prepared him for the amount of joy he was about to feel in just a moment.

"Harry you can't go around saying Dumbledore is a great wizard alive without mentioning that he is also a wonderful teacher. It's just not formal for you to say what you said." Harry's mouth practically fell open ... then he closed it. His two fucks for friends STILL couldn't hear him. Maybe someday someone would hear the vile spew of acid that flowed from his mouth. Harry wouldn't be surprised if the only person who could hear him was Voldemort. If he ever did come back, the boy-who-lived would have to ask the Dark Lord if he had this power too.

"Yeah, Harry." Ron said. Harry glared at him.

"Is that all you can fucking contribute, Ron?" Harry was about to smack the redhead six ways to Sunday, but a loud growl disrupted his thoughts.

"RAWWWRRR!" The group looked around in the dark and discovered that a giant three headed dog had awoken from its slumber. Most likely from when the group was arguing. The growling grew to frightening levels as the two boys and one girl shrieked in terror. The kids quickly exited the room and were barely able to close the door as the dog was trying to chomp down on the humans in front of it.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT?!" Ron screamed. No one was around, so the prefects didn't have to take away any points for Ron's foul mouthedness.

That's another thing that bothered Harry. Why was the rewarding and removal of house points such a big deal around here? So what if a house won the cup? Did the cup give the winners vast amounts of gold? No. Did the cup grant the winners all new brooms for themselves or the school? Not even close. What about an all expenses paid trip to Australia for everyone in the winning house who got points? Hell no. Okay well they could at least provide a magic weapon other than a wand for the highest point contributor right? Fuck no. This was a school and they wouldn't give anyone anything that good. The only thing the cup did, when the house won, was go to the head of house's office and was not seen again until the end of the next year. Harry had to wonder what the professors who won actually did with the cup. Did they use it as a vase? A trashcan? Keep the heads of Snape's victims inside? Harry had no idea, but if his house won, he would find out what McGonagall did with it. Maybe she kept her transfigured cats in there.

"Language, Ron!" Harry exclaimed while trying very very hard to not laugh his ass off. He wasn't doing it to scold his friend, but rather to make him feel like an idiot. Potter thought Granger was going to do it first, and so he used that time to beat her.

"Well said, Harry." Hermione said. Harry didn't say or do anything.

"Sorry guys." Ron stated. The trio started heading up to Gryffindor tower now that they were done exploring the third floor.

"Did either of you see what the dog was standing on?" Hermione asked.

"I wasn't looking at its feet! I was staring at its heads. Maybe you didn't notice, but there were THREE!"

"It was standing on a trap door, which means it wasn't there by accident. It's guarding something." Harry was actually interested in this. The portrait door swung open and the kids found their way into the common room.

"Guarding something?" He asked.

"That's right." Hermione continued with a huge feeling of smugness about her. "Now if you two don't mind, I'm off to bed before either one of you happen to come up with another clever idea to getting us killed, or worse expelled!" She turned away and headed up the girl's stairs.

"She needs to sort out her priorities." Ron muttered. Harry nodded. She really did need to get her priorities in order. That or get laid but that probably wasn't going to happen since she was eleven. Wait. No. She was twelve. She happened to have missed the acceptance letter last year and wasn't allowed to come, but somehow got in this year, which Harry found funny and humiliating.

The next day, Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking outside and they came across Hagrid. Hermione started asking the half giant about the three-headed dog that they saw last night, and the big man didn't like that.

"Who told you about Fluffy?" Harry snickered. Who names a three headed dog Fluffy?

"Fluffy?" Ron asked.

"That thing has a name?"

"Of course he has a name because he's mine! Dumbledore asked me to bring him so he could guard the …"

"Yes?" Harry asked. His curiosity was peaked again.

"I shouldn't have said that. No more questions! Don't ask any more questions! That's top secret that is!"

"But that's the whole point! I want to know some fucking secrets. Knowledge is power, Hagrid, and those too weak to seek it, become nothing. You would do well to learn this my very large fat friend." Harry said in response. No one heard him. If they did, then Hagrid would probably start blubbering after being called a "very large fat man".

"But Hagrid, whatever Fluffy is guarding, Snape is trying to steel it."

"Thass prepostrus, Ron. Professor Snape is a Hogwarts teacher and would never do something like that. It's dangerous anyway. What that dog is guarding is strictly between Dumbledore and Nicolas Flamel."

"Nicolas Flamel?" Hermione asked. Hagrid started walking away and kept muttering "I should not have said that" over and over again.

"Who's Nicolas Flamel?"

"I don't know, Hermione."

"What a surprise, Ron."

"Do you know anything, Harry?" The bushy haired girl asked.

"No, but I want to find out." That was the end of the conversation for the moment. Ron and Hermione decided later that night they would research Nicolas Flamel in the library the next day. Harry thought of a better way, but didn't tell either one of them. Since Ginny was pretty much his best friend at this point because all the letters they had written to each other, Harry would go ask her instead. She hadn't ever let him down before, so he knew she would come through for him this time too.

About a week later there was a report from the Daily Prophet about a break-in from Gringotts bank. Harry didn't care. Well he would have if someone had stolen his gold, but no one did. The kid next to Harry read aloud that vault 713 had been broken apart, but nothing was taken. The boy-who-lived realized that this was the very vault that he and Hagrid went to before going to his vault. Harry thought that by saying something it was going to put him into some sort of possible trouble. So he said nothing. That was the last interesting thing that happened in November.

Christmas came and went with nothing special happening. Ha. Yeah right. The day before winter break started, Hermione found out that the Sorcerer's Stone was made by some guy named Nicolas Flamel and he was currently over 600 years old. Harry's eyes widened. Oh the wonders of being able to live forever. He could do so many things in his life! Also the Stone makes anything pure gold. Hmmm ... what would happen if Harry turned all the food in the Great Hall into gold? Would Ron break his teeth while trying to chew? No sorry, inhale? Harry desperately wanted that stone. Fuck everyone else who got in his way. Interestingly enough, the text labeled the stone as the Philosopher's Stone. What a stupid name. Harry renamed it to the Sorcerer's Stone and the group stuck with that. Then, out of nowhere, Hermione asked Harry and Ron to find more information about the stone. Ron complained that they had already pretty much searched the entire library, but Hermione said they could find that information in the restricted section.

Fuck that. Harry had more important things to do, like finally see Ginny again! He and Ron were asked to come back to the Burrow for Christmas a few days ago, and the black haired boy was really looking forward to it. The Weasleys were supposed to pick the boys up the next day, but the kids were disappointed because the Weasleys at home decided to visit Charlie at the last minute. Harry was furious. He was really looking forward to spending time with his best friend, but that wasn't happening now. In order to calm himself, Harry went outside in the snow and started throwing snowballs at the Giant Squid in the lake. The monster was not happy. The beast attempted to grab Harry but couldn't because he was too far away. The next moment was something out of pure luck. A nearby student was walking along the lake when the squid grabbed him instead. The monster dragged him under the water and did not come back up. Harry decided to make himself scarce.

Christmas came a few days later and Harry was looking forward to what the day would bring. When he woke up, the boy rushed downstairs to find several presents waiting for him. He was genuinely surprised since his torturers ... I mean relatives ... never gave him anything. Funny enough Harry did see something from them: fifty cents in American dollars. Figures they would give him something useless. The next presents came from Ron (chocolate frogs and Bertie botts every flavor of beans), Hermione (a book about Quidditch), Mr. and Mrs. Weasley (a Weasley homemade sweater with his first initial on it), Ginny (a black scarf with gold snitches sewn throughout), and some other present that had a mysterious label on it.

"Hey Harry! Merry Christmas!" Ron said as he came downstairs.

"Merry Christmas, Ron!" Harry genuinely said. Ron started opening his gifts as Harry examined the mysterious package.

"What's that Harry?"

"I don't know. The card is weird. It says: _Your father left this in my possession when he died. It's time that it be returned to you. Use it well_. Hmm. This sounds like Dumbledore's doing."

"Who knows, Harry? Go ahead and open it." Harry did just that. Inside the package was some sort of magic cloak. Harry was confused but put it on. Ron was shocked because Harry had disappeared.

"My body is gone!" Harry exclaimed.

"Harry, do you know what that is? It's an invisibility cloak! They're really rare. Who's it from?"

"It doesn't say. It just says _Use it well_ _._ "

Later that night, when everyone had gone to bed, Harry snuck out. Thanks to this invisibility cloak, Harry could go anywhere. There was no limit to what he could do! Take food away from someone's plate, go into the girls locker rooms, steal McGonagall's hat, and sabotage Snape's storage room! And that was only the tip of the iceberg. Harry decided to just play it simple tonight and wander the school to see if there was anything cool he hadn't noticed before. He definitely wasn't going to the library that's for damn sure. After wandering through various hallways of various floors, Harry came across a door that held a very tall mirror.

Harry would have normally not even bothered with it, but looked anyway because it could have been magical. The boy dropped the cloak, and moved in front of the giant piece of glass. What he saw astounded him. His parents were in front of him. He finally could see what they looked like in person instead of only pictures. Just as he was about to enjoy their presence, the mirror changed. Instead of his parent's, Harry saw himself with Ginny and they were flipping Ron off. The boy started laughing after that. Then Ron disappeared and Ginny kissed him on the cheek. As if he felt it on his own skin, Harry touched his cheek. It felt warmer than it had a moment ago and he really liked that feeling. Finally the scene changed to Harry and ... Voldemort? Why the hell would he see him? On closer inspection it seemed that they were laughing and also flipping everyone off that they saw. Maybe Voldemort wasn't so bad after all? The images disappeared from the mirror and Harry was confused. Why had he seen all of those things?

"Find what you're looking for, Harry?" Dumbledore asked from the shadows. Harry screamed a little because he wasn't expecting the old man to be there.

"What are you doing here Professor?"

"I fancied myself a midnight stroll and wanted to see the mirror again. I take it that you know what it does by now?"

"You didn't really take a midnight stroll did you?"

"No. Now do you know what this mirror does?" Harry was a little pissed that Dumbledore was following him around. It's Christmas for fucks sake! Couldn't the old man just leave him alone? Harry decided to answer the old man's question.

"It shows us what we want, right? Whatever we want?"

"Well yes. And no. I'll give you a clue. If the happiest man on earth stood here and looked into the mirror, he would see nothing but himself." Harry was really confused now.

"The mirror shows us our deepest desires, Harry. Whatever matters to us most in hearts is what people will always see. Unfortunately many men and women have wasted their lives in front of the mirror, because what they see is not real. We will be moving this mirror tomorrow so that no one else can see it. It does not do well to dwell on dreams Harry." Dumbledore said as he moved to the door.

"Oh and out of curiosity, what did you see, Harry?"

"My parents. I never knew them or anything about them. I just wish they were here with me." Harry honestly said. He did keep the other information to himself, especially the stuff about Voldemort being his best buddy or Ginny kissing him.

"Ah. I'm sorry they are gone Harry, but at least you could see them today. Just know that they love you and are always watching over you." Harry nodded. He also tried his hardest to not cry.

"What do you see, sir? What does the mirror show you?"

Dumbledore decided not to reveal his true answer either, and instead revealed the other vision he always saw at the end.

"I saw a pair of socks Harry. I have everything I could ever want in my life, but my socks always disappear and I've never been able to keep any for more than a month. Maybe someday I can have a pair that won't leave me."

Harry was a little surprised that Dumbledore had admitted that, even though Harry knew he was lying through his teeth. Then again, Harry was also lying so he couldn't get on Dumbledore's case. After looking back at the mirror once more, Harry left as the vision of his parent's appeared. Dumbledore escorted Harry back to Gryffindor Tower and the door opened for him. As Harry got himself into bed, he reflected on everything he had seen. Did he really miss his parents? Did he want Ginny to kiss him, flip off Ron, and probably insult others? And finally, did he want Voldemort to be his friend? After thinking, Harry decided the answer was yes to every desire except for Voldemort. Harry needed to think on that one. As he went to sleep, Harry reflected on everything he saw in his dreams, except for Voldemort. That was a little too weird for his liking. All in all it was a great Christmas. He got the best Christmas gift ever, got to kill a kid by accident, and saw all of his greatest desires. Life was good for the moment, and that's exactly how Harry wanted it.


	11. Chapter 11: Detention With Hagrid

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** The trio meet Fluffy and they start to realize it may be guarding something. Hagrid slips up and gives the group information about Nicolas Flamel. The Sorcerer's Stone is revealed to be what Nicolas Flamel created and the group believes that is what Fluffy is guarding. Harry sees his deepest desires in the Mirror of Erised.

 **A/N:** Before you say anything, yes, Spermies are a real candy. I'm not kidding. I had to look up some really disgusting candies and decided to choose that one. Dumbledore always seemed a little too creepy to me, so why not make him even creepier?

Also, I wanted this to be posted on Halloween, but of course I was busy and couldn't. So enjoy this late Halloween gift.

 **Chapter 11: Detention With Hagrid the Idiot**

"You have got to be fucking shitting me, Hagrid! There is no way I am going to do this." Harry exclaimed when he learned what the detention was in the Forbidden Forest that night. There was a very good chance that someone was going to die in those dark woods already, and Harry did not want to participate any further by doing this disgusting task before him.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves in this story. Let's go back a bit.

A few days earlier, Harry was dragged out of bed to Hagrid's hut by Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. The group made their way down to the rickety house after dark and banged on the door, but Harry had no idea why they were there. Did Ron or Hermione explain anything? Yes, but he didn't listen at first. So why in Godric's name did he agree to come? Apparently, Hagrid got a dragon after a night of drinking heavily in a tavern in Hogsmeade. Harry thought it was funny to hear that the tower of human flesh got drunk. Somehow Ron found out and told Hermione, and then she dragged Harry with her to see it.

After banging on the door, Hagrid let the trio inside where they witnessed some magic happening (ha ha ha). Inside the giant's cauldron was a very hot egg. When Hagrid picked it up, without any protection, the idiot almost dropped the damn thing since it was hot. After realizing his mistake, the oaf put on some huge oven mitts and then picked it up and put it on the table.

"Do any a 'yer know what this is?" Hagrid asked the group.

"Yeah, it's a dragon egg!"

"Very good, Ron!" Hagrid said.

"No shit, Ron. We already knew what it was! You told me on the way here, and hell even Hermione told me on the way here!" Harry screeched.

"How did you get it, Hagrid?" Hermione asked.

"Oh god, not this fuckin' shit again. YOU JUST TOLD ME HOW HE WON IT!"

"I won 'er it in a card game last night. Man seemed glad ter be rid of it fer a matter o-fact."

Harry was about to lay down some more smack talk but decided not to once the egg started moving. The black egg rolled around, jumped once, and then a reptilian claw burst out of the shell. The animal quickly broke through the remainder of the egg, and it spread its wings. Everyone in the room was stunned by how amazing the dragon was.

"What are you going to name it Hagrid?"

"Thas' a good question, Hermione. Hmm ... what about Norbert?" Harry didn't laugh at the name.

"What if it's a girl?"

"I'll still name it Norbert. Besides this dragon looks like a Norbert!" Harry did laugh at the man's response this time.

"I wonder what kind of dragon it is. Do you know, Hagrid?"

"OH, I KNOW!" Ron exclaimed before the giant could answer. Harry rolled his eyes. He was probably going to mention his brother Charlie who worked in Romania with dragons again.

"That's a Norwegian Ridgeback. My bother Charlie studies dragons in Romania! This is one of his favorite dragons!" Harry didn't even blink. Ron was so predictable. Harry guessed that the redhead was probably going to start talking about Bill, his curse breaker brother, or Percy who was a pain in the ass and a stickler for the rules.

"My oldest brother Bill encountered a few dragons once while exploring a tomb in Egypt. It wasn't a Norwegian Ridgeback, but some kind of black scaled dragon." Score one point for Harry.

"Thas' fascinatin', Ron."

"I'm just glad Percy isn't here right now. He would probably force you to have the dragon handlers take him!" He said aloud. Score another point for Harry. The raven-haired boy wondered if Ron would mention Fred and George too. He got his answer a moment later.

"I bet Fred and George would use it to cause havoc in the school. I can see it now. The two of them would grow it to a full grown dragon and then ride it around and burn Snape all around the dungeons." And with that Harry won the jackpot. He was going to quit while he was ahead.

The group continued to watch the dragon play around, and in a frightening moment, the creature spewed flames out at Hagrid. His beard caught fire and it almost singed a fourth of it off. The half-giant just swatted the flames away with his hand and the force of the wind turned the fire to cinders.

"Who's 'at?" Hagrid questioned aloud. The group of children looked behind them and into the window of the hut. The blonde bastard known as Draco Malfoy was in view, and all four of them knew they were in trouble. After being spotted the little Slytherin ran off back to the castle. Knowing they needed to leave, the young Gryffindors took off and shouted their goodbyes to Hagrid. The journey to the castle seemed to take forever but the kids finally reached the entrance. As they were planning to head straight up the stairs to the tower, McGonagall confronted the trio.

"Good evening. I think you four should come with me." The Transfiguration Professor explained as Draco came out from behind her.

It was a short walk to her office. Just like the castle itself, her classroom was big and mysterious with many strange objects inside. The Professor made her way to her desk and sat down before addressing the first year students.

"Listen here, children. Never, and I mean never, is it acceptable for students to be walking around the castle or the grounds when it is after curfew. Surely you remember the rules? If so, then you must be given a punishment."

The students all said "Yes, Professor McGonagall. Sorry." except for Draco Malfoy. That smug bastard was going to get his just rewards soon enough though.

"As punishment for disobeying the rules, Gryffindor will lose 50 points."

"50 points?!" Ron shrieked. Harry gave the redhead a glare, while Hermione was trying her best not to cry.

"50 points each, Mr. Weasley." All three lions eye's bulged from their sockets.

Ron looked like he was choking and about to faint. Hermione was now crying and trying to hide it as best as possible, but she was doing a shitty job at it. Harry was surprised that McGonagall was this pissed off. He was expecting a detention or something, but now it was looking like detention and a shit ton of points being lost. The boy guessed McGonagall was not happy to take away points because now Gryffindor wouldn't win the house cup. Harry still didn't care about the points being lost but was genuinely surprised by his teacher's decision.

"To make sure it doesn't happen again, all four of you will receive detention." The Gryffindor kids accepted their punishment, while Draco was not happy about the professor's comment.

"Excuse me, professor. I think I heard you wrong. I thought you said the four of us will receive detention. Right?"

"No, you heard me correct, Mr. Malfoy. As honorable as your intentions were, you were still out of bed after curfew as well. You will join your classmates in detention."

When Draco looked over at the Gryffindors, Harry gave that blonde bastard a middle finger, but in Malfoy's mind, all he saw was a wink and a smirk. As the four kids left and headed back to their dorms, Harry wanted to fight this punishment by talking to the headmaster. He practically worshiped the Boy-Who-Lived, so Harry figured that he could weasel his way out of detention no problem. The boy went straight to the statue guarding Dumbledore's office and started naming off every magical and non-magical sweet ever created. He discovered that Dumbledore had a craving for candy thanks to McGonagall earlier that year. After trying many different candies, Harry was about to get discouraged, until he decided to answer with inappropriate candies.

"Spermies?" Harry asked. The statue then suddenly started to move, but Harry wasn't happy because he discovered the Headmaster's really disgusting password. He would have to chuck that piece of knowledge away for later, and maybe keep it as blackmail, if the old man just thought Harry came in through by sheer luck. The boy ran up the stairs and knocked on the old man's door. Dumbledore asked the boy to come in.

"Ah, Harry. Good evening, or perhaps, good morning? It's quite nice being awake during the witching hour, but you shouldn't be out of bed."

"Yes sir, I know. I just came from Professor McGonagall's office, actually."

"Oh? Can you tell me what happened?"

"It's like this sir. Ron and Hermione forced me to come to Hagrid's hut to see some kind of dragon egg he had. Then the egg hatched and Draco Malfoy saw the whole thing and ran off to the castle. He told Professor McGonagall and then she gave all four of us detention, and took 150 points away from Gryffindor."

"Hmm. I see. So what brings you here, Harry?"

"Well sir, I would like to have my punishment lifted. Since Hermione and Ron are the ones who forced me to come anyway, the blame should entirely reflect on them."

"Ah. So you feel that Professor McGonagall's detention is not fair for you, Harry, because you were forced to go on this midnight adventure with your friends?" Harry started to realize where this conversation was going.

"Well I am sorry, Harry, but you must do as your head of house asks. Although I don't condone adventures this late, I will say that it took a great deal of courage to stand up for yourself and come to me for help. I will award you 5 points for Gryffindor, but nothing more. Now off to bed. Classes will start in only a few hours, and I would hate for you to be asleep in them!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Bastard." Harry mumbled as he started walking away from the Headmaster.

"What was that, dear boy?"

"I said "Bastard" you old fruitcake!"

"Pleasant dreams to you as well my dear boy!" Dumbledore said with a grandfatherly smile. Harry really wanted to wipe it off the old man's face but he knew it'd be suicide to go against Dumbledore right now. Maybe in a few years. Yeah. A few more years.

The boy made his way back to the Gryffindor Common Room and immediately headed upstairs to the first year dorms. Harry didn't even care if his clothes were dirty or if his shoes were filthy because he launched himself right onto the bed and started snoozing almost in mid-air.

Harry was awoken about 5 hours later by the sound of his dorm mates. Ron was still sleeping, but Harry was expecting the red-haired oaf to be like that. After getting ready and putting on clean clothes, the boy made his way down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

The rest of the day seemed to drag incredibly slowly. It didn't help when potions was the last class until dinner. Throughout potions class, Snape seemed to be on a warpath with anyone who wasn't in Slytherin.

"Longbottom! How many times do I have to warn you about cutting the roots too short? 10 points from Gryffindor for your insolence!"

That was just the start of the insults.

"Weasley! Pay attention to what you're doing before you boil your face clean off! Another 10 points from Gryffindor!"

To be fair, Ron did deserve that one since he was falling asleep in class. His head was resting almost on top of his cauldron. The idiot. He could have blown his face right off and not even feel it.

"Thomas! Your cuts of the leaves are mangled and cannot be used. Start again, cretin! Another 10 points from Gryffindor!"

Okay, that one was fair also. Dean Thomas always seemed to butcher anything he was given. The instructions were to delicately slice the leaves instead of hacking them up like a blender. Harry was starting to wonder if maybe Gryffindors actually were a bunch of idiots. Well, all except Harry and ...

"Granger! You are testing my patience with your incessant questions! If you cannot solve the problem, then use your textbook! Another 10 points from Gryffindor!"

Well, it seems Hermione was not going to be the smartest person in Gryffindor any longer.

"Potter! You degenerate of a student. How dare you present me with such an abysmal potion for a grade! I shall not examine this vile concoction!" Snape said as he threw the potion on the floor. The man obviously forgot that Harry put unbreakable charms on his potion vials and it wouldn't smash no matter what.

"Humph. Fine, Potter. Enjoy your small victory. 1 point to Gryffindor for being competent." Snape said as he returned to his desk. Harry was the first one out of the class and ran as fast as he could to the Great Hall. The boy was starving.

Harry knew that tonight was going to be his detention with Ron, Hermione, and Draco, so filling up on a ton of food was going to be best for him. This was probably the one time where Harry purposely decided to act like Ron Billius Weasley and inhale his food. It proved to be an impossible task. How in Godric's name did the redhead boy ever accomplish this task? Harry would have to ask Ginny again. Even after so many letters, the Potter child was still confused about Ron's habits.

That wasn't the only reason why Harry would want to write to Ginny. The school year was almost over and Ginny had been his best friend ever through the letters they sent to each other. Ever since the Mirror of Erised showed Harry his desires, the Potter kid wanted to make it more apparent to the little Weasley girl that he cared for her. He cared a lot. Harry knew no matter what that he would never go back to the Dursley's again and instead live with the Weasleys from now on.

Ginny had asked her parents if Harry could live with them when the summer starts, and they immediately agreed. Ginny had informed Mr. and Mrs. Weasley about Harry's abusive relatives and would not stand for it. The boy was going to live with them and that was final. Fuck whatever Albus Dumbledore thought about it. No child should ever be abused and the Headmaster of Hogwarts had a lot to answer for.

Harry was pleasantly lost in thought about Ginny when he was interrupted by Hermione Granger with her bombardment of questions.

"Harry, why did you run off like that? Ron and I wanted to go to dinner with you, so why did you leave us behind? You know how important being friends is to me, and I don't appreciate this! I'm wondering if maybe we are ..."

The boy was snapped out of his dream like thoughts and immediately formed a scowl. He was furious.

"WHAT IS IT NOW, HERMIONE?! THIS BETTER BE FUCKING GOOD!" Hermione sat down next to him extremely close and whispered in his ear.

"Harry, I know you're happy to see me, but you don't have to announce it loudly in front of everyone. Try to be less embarrassing next time please." She said even though she was smiling at him. She attempted to grab his hand and hold it but he snatched it away.

"What are you doing, Hermione?"

"You just said you really like me, Harry, in front of everyone! Do you not remember?" Hermione said as she tried to grab his hand again. Harry snatched it away once more.

"Hermione, I didn't say that, and I never will. I don't know how you could have fucking interpreted that, but please get that gross thought out of your head."

"You don't have to pretend, Harry. I know you have feelings for ..."

The girl never finished her sentence because Harry pulled out his wand and shot an incredibly close stunner at the girl without even thinking. Hermione shot out of her seat and flew all the way across the hall. Her body hit the wall with a bone-shattering thud, and the girl immediately fell from the height to the floor. The professors inside the Great Hall all made their way to Miss Granger.

"Oh my goodness! What happened?" Filius Flitwick squeaked as he ran over to the incident.

"It was the strangest thing, Professor! Hermione was showing me a brand new spell she read about when it backfired and she was shot to the other end of the Great Hall! If I were her, I would get my wand checked. It seems to be a bit faulty to me." Flitwick seemed to ponder his comment for a moment.

"Yes! Yes, of course, Mr. Potter. I should have known that Miss Granger's wand will fail because her spellwork casting had gone down in quality. I will speak to her about this problem immediately!" Flitwick squeaked again and ran all the way to the Hospital Wing because Hermione had been carried off while the two of them had been having a conversation.

Harry almost laughed himself to death. Professor Flitwick was more gullible than Dumbledore, and that old fucker held on to almost every word that the Boy-Who-Lived said. Harry knew that he could get away with anything if he was in Charms Class or if he was talking to that little gnome dwarf midget hybrid human about something. While Hermione was inside the Hospital Wing, Ron Weasley strolled in and plopped his obtuse body on the other side of the Gryffindor table in front of Harry.

"Potions class was just the worst today, Harry."

"Yeah. It was probably worse for you since you almost burned your god damn face off. Wait. Hold on. How the hell did you fall asleep on top of your cauldron, Ron? Wouldn't your cauldron be hot if you slept on it?"

"I dunno, Harry. Maybe hot things don't bother me." Harry started formulating a plan at that confession.

"Okay then. Let's put it to the test." Harry picked up his goblet, asked it if it could transform into boiling hot water, and then threw it on Ron Weasley's face. The reaction was something out of a horror movie.

"AAAYYYEEEEEEEHHHAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHHHH!" Ron shrieked. The funny thing was that no one noticed Harry throw the molten hot water in Ron's face.

The hot boiling water caused third-degree burns to appear on the redhead's face. Boils were breaking out, and Ron's white pasty face was instantly turned into an intense fire red. The smoke from his burns was coming off in clouds of hot fumes that caused everyone around him to start sweating. Some of the other professors came over to see what was the matter.

"Mr. Potter, what's going on here?" Minerva McGonagall asked.

"It was the strangest thing, Professor." Harry started to say. He was hit with a massive case of deja vu. "Ron was just sitting there when he picked up his cup of boiling hot water and burned himself all over."

"How did he get it all over his head, face, and hands?"

"Uh … he's really fucking clumsy because he's Ron Weasley, Professor?" McGonagall was a little insulted that someone from her own house would call another Gryffindor clumsy, but her fears were quickly put to rest by the members of the staff.

"Well put, Mr. Potter." Professor Sprout said. "The boy is a bit of an oaf in herbology class. He somehow manages to make a huge mess whenever he comes in."

"I also agree with, Mr. Potter, even though I hate to admit it." Severus Snape said while shocking the majority of the staff with his comment.

"Ronald is one of the most incompetent wizards I have ever met. The boy has messed up several potions in class thanks to his fumbling fingers, and he even slept on top of his cauldron today while mixing a brew of a health potion."

"Yes … well … it seems we will have to get Mr. Weasley to the Hospital Wing as well. Please be careful, Mr. Potter. Your friends were both hurt in the span of a few minutes, so I'd probably get out of here."

"Yes, Professor McGonagall." Harry said while he got up from his seat and went back to the Gryffindor Common Room.

When the boy reached his dorm room, he flung the contents of his bag on his bed, changed out of his school robes, and made his way down the stairs of the castle towards Filch's office. Harry really didn't want to knock on the door because it would mean his detention would start, but he had no choice. Also, the plot wouldn't move forward until he did.

Harry knocked on the door and the crypt keeper looking man known as Argus Filch stepped out from the dark shadows of his quarters. The squib sneered at the boy and coughed loudly. He stepped out with his faithful companion Mrs. Norris in his arms, turned back and locked the door, and then faced Harry one more time.

"So you three are serving detention tonight, eh?"

"Yes, sir."

"That's right, Mr. Filch."

Harry was shocked to see that Hermione and Ron had mysteriously somehow snuck up behind him and answer Filch as if they were standing there the entire time with the raven-haired boy.

"GAH! Don't scare me like that!"

"Like what, Harry?" Ron asked. His burn marks, scars, and boils were gone and the redhead looked healthy as if nothing had ever happened.

"Like sneaking up on me, Ron! Good Godric there's no need to give me a heart attack you ass!" Harry said. He realized he said the phrase _Good Godric_ again and was annoyed that he was fitting in with the wizarding world so easily. That was not making him happy.

"Oh come now, Harry. Ron didn't mean it, and we weren't trying to scare you." Harry looked over to Hermione and noticed that she looked normal as well. There wasn't any sort of injury on her, and it looked as if she wasn't infatuated with Harry anymore.

"Well don't do it again. I really don't appreciate it."

"AY! You kids shut your mouths and follow me outside. We're going to serve detention with 'Agrid tonight." Filch grumbled as he led the kids outside.

The walk to Hagrid's hut was slow because Filch was old and decrepit. Harry, Ron, and Hermione even walked in front of Filch a few times because of how slow he was going, but the caretaker was none to pleased. He hit Ron in the leg with his walking cane, and the trio decided to not get ahead of him again.

"'Ere we are. This is where I leave you. Good luck you snot-nosed runts." Filch said as he started laughing cruelly. Hermione and Ron went on while Harry stayed behind a little.

Since he was pissed off at Filch, Harry pulled out his wand and shot out a _Stupefy_ spell at the cryptic bastard. The result caused the older man to fall down on the ground and crush Mrs. Norris beneath him. Harry had no idea if the cat was alive, but found out the answer only a moment later when the small creature crawled out from under Filch's body and began to scratch him in the face. The cat repeated the clawing over and over on Filch's face until he was bleeding profusely. As Harry approached the fallen caretaker, Mrs. Norris scampered away, and the boy decided to get rid of the body just in case he was dead. Harry raised his wand and used the _Wingardium Leviosa_ spell to levitate Mr. Filch away into the nearby woods. Once Mr. Filch was out of sight, Harry dropped the body on the ground and ran over to Hagrid's hut.

"There you are, 'Arry. Thought you'd be late 'fer detention."

"Oh shut up fatso. Let's just get on with this punishment."

"Wait, Hagrid! Where's Draco Malfoy? He was supposed to have detention with us." Hermione asked.

"Oh 'dat Draco got out of detention. Seems 'is father, Lucius, used 'is influence to get Draco out of trouble." Hagrid said. "Personally, I think 'dat boy is rotten to the core."

"That's not fair! How come Draco get's out of punishment and I don't?"

"Quit whining, Ron. It's really annoying."

"Nice job, Hermione." Harry said. She smiled back.

Hagrid led the group into the Forbidden Forest armed with a crossbow. Harry was a little offended that the giant dunderhead didn't give the rest of them any weapons. Who cares about a wand when you could have a fucking crossbow in your hands. Then again it was probably for the best that Harry didn't have his hands on that weapon. He could "accidentally" shoot someone and possibly kill them. That didn't bother the little boy though. He already kinda killed a boy earlier this year when he threw a rock at the giant squid, and he almost killed Oliver Wood on the Quidditch Pitch. After walking around in the forest for some time, Hagrid stopped and led the group over to a dead unicorn.

"See 'dat?" Hagrid asked while pointing at the dead creature. "'Dat unicorn 'as been killed."

"Wow no shit, Hagrid. I wonder how long it took your brain to register this into your subconscious."

"What could have caused this, Hagrid?"

"'Dunno, Hermione." He paused and gathered his mind before speaking again. "Listen up kids. These unicorns are majestical creatures. Can any of 'yer tell me why?"

"Oh, I know!" Harry rolled his eyes. "Unicorns contain the most powerful healing blood anywhere. The blood doesn't taste bad and can save you even if you are an inch away from death. But if it is taken forcibly from their body, the drinker will have a half-life. A cursed life actually. Many witches and wizards consider it a crime to slay a unicorn because of how rare they are." Hagrid looked impressed.

"Well 'dun, Hermione."

"Yeah, great job nerd. Next time just teach every class in the school since you can't stop flaunting your intelligence everywhere you fucking go!" Harry shouted. No one heard him.

"Alright kids, Hagrid needs your help. I want you to come over with me to the unicorn and we are going to harvest its organs for the school." The kids were disgusted by Hagrid's intentions. Ron looked the worst as he was on the verge of throwing up.

"You have got to be fucking shitting me, Hagrid! There is no way I am going to do this." Harry exclaimed when he learned what the detention was in the Forbidden Forest that night. There was a very good chance that someone was going to die in those dark woods already, and Harry did not want to participate any further by doing this disgusting task before him.

"Oh come on now. 'Don tell me you kids 'ave never harvested unicorn organs before!"

"Why in the world would we know how to do that, Hagrid? Are you high or drunk right now? Or maybe even high and drunk right now? We're kids not butchers. What kind of fucked up punishment is this anyway?" Harry protested loudly.

Hagrid was about to reply but a dark cloaked figure appeared out from the shadows and shrieked loudly. The sound scared Hagrid, Hermione, and Ron away from the clearing, but Harry was not so lucky. When the man appeared from nowhere, Harry stumbled back and his right leg became trapped underneath some of the tree roots sticking out of the ground. His body was unfortunately right in front of the unicorn and made it seem like he was guarding the dead creature.

"Get out of the way, boy!" The figure screamed as he headed straight for the unicorn blood.

"Uh … I wouldn't do that if I were you. I think that blood will give you a cursed life or something."

"I am well aware of the risks you fool! Now get out of my way!"

"I can't! I'm stuck underneath the tree roots!"

"Looks like I'll have to kill you then! _AVADA KEDAVRA!_ "

The nasty spell was shot out of the caster's wand and hit the Boy-Who-Lived right in the chest. Once the spell hit Harry, the magic bounced right off his body and shot itself directly back at the sinister man from the shadows. The mysterious man was not able to dodge the spell in time and died from the killing curse. The body then crumbled away into ash and the wind scattered the ashes far away. Harry still couldn't believe his dumb luck was holding out for so long.

"Harry! Harry are you okay?" Hermione asked as she, Ron and Hagrid ran to him.

"Yes, but no thanks to any of you! The guy tried to kill me and died!"

"Sorry, 'Arry. Had to contact Professor Dumbledore and get him down 'ere to the forest."

"So he's coming then?" Harry asked. He was hoping that the old man wasn't coming because he was also getting on Harry's nerves.

"No Dumbledore said he was busy. He told us what to do in case anything needs 'ter be done." Harry was about to start shouting about the group's incompetence but stopped himself when he realized it would only cause him more frustration. The wizarding world really was a fucked up place.

"Okay, kids the detention is over. Go back 'ter yer dorms and stay inside the school. Now go on! Shoo!"

Not needing any more encouragement, Harry, Ron, and Hermione ran all the way back to the school.


	12. Chapter 12: Body Count Problem (Part 1)

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** The trio gets into trouble when Draco Malfoy tattletales on them. Hermione and Ron piss Harry off, so he gives them injuries that send them off to the hospital wing. Filch makes Harry mad, and the boy may have killed him. Hagrid takes the kids to harvest unicorn organs but they protest. A dark figure tries to kill Harry but he dies instead.

A/N: Hey I want to say thanks for all of the recent reviews I've gotten. Y'all are great and really supportive. It makes me feel good to know y'all like reading what I write. Thanks for doing so and have a good day.

 **Chapter 12: A Fucking Body Count Problem (Part 1)**

"I am never having detention with Hagrid again. I'd rather be hanged by my thumbs in the dungeons!" Harry exclaimed. The other two kids agreed.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione had dashed back to the common room after seeing Hagrid about to harvest the organs of a unicorn. None of them wanted to talk about what they saw, but they were more than willing to talk about Hagrid being too crazy with his detention ideas.

The surprising part to Harry was that neither Ron or Hermione seemed interested in talking about the dark cloaked figure, that was most likely Voldemort, being destroyed. Not only that, but the killing curse bounced off Harry again and killed that fucker. Does that mean Mr. Potter is completely immune to the deadly _Avada Kedavra_ spell? Harry certainly didn't have any idea, but maybe if he tried it one more time it could prove to be a most interesting discovery.

"Just wait until I see Malfoy!" Ron shouted loudly for some reason out of nowhere. Harry and Hermione looked at each other and raised their eyebrows as if to say _"What the hell is wrong with Ron?"_

"He thinks he can get out of detention whenever he wants. Well, I'm not going to stand for it! We need to get Dumbledore's help so we can get Malfoy in trouble!"

"Calm down, Ron. Hagrid said Draco's father got him excused from detention, so how would Dumbledore be of any help? The Wizengamot is run by a lot of magical politicians who oversee the development of everyday standards. Lucius Malfoy is on that board and can pretty much ask for anything he wants!" Hermione explained.

Harry thought about what his bushy-haired friend had just said and analyzed how stupid it was for the laws to exist in the Wizarding World.

"So Draco's father is part of the Wizengamot. How do you know that, Hermione?"

"It's amazing what you'll overhear in the castle sometimes. People like Professor Sprout talk about whatever is on their minds and students can easily listen in. One day she complained about Draco's behavior in her class, but couldn't write him up because Lucius Malfoy would dismiss it."

Harry was a bit surprised by this news. It seems that Draco Malfoy can get away with almost anything at Hogwarts and no one would be able to stop him. Harry was absolutely certain that he wanted to make sure Draco was taken down in the hardest, painful, and downright humiliating way possible.

"Hermione, I think you've given me the best piece of information I've ever heard." Harry said.

"What are you talking about, Harry?"

"Don't you see?" Harry asked them both. Hermione and Ron shook their heads in confusion.

"It's simple. We are going to destroy Draco Malfoy by sabotaging his exams. Since he weaseled his way out of detention, we sabotage his education. Think about it. Exams are only a week away, and it shouldn't be too hard to modify his answers for the tests."

"Yeah let's do it mate! It's only fair we get him back for tattling on us!"

Ron and Harry hi-fived each other. That was probably the first and only time Harry would do that with Ron. Meanwhile, Hermione had a shocked look on her face. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She was fine with Harry and Ron wanting to get revenge on Draco, but this crossed the line.

"NO! THERE IS NO WAY ARE WE DOING THIS!" Harry and Ron looked at her as if she was fucking crazy.

"I understand that Malfoy got out of detention, and it's unfair, but this is going way too far. Malfoy may be a drama queen, a bully, and a coward, but he doesn't deserve to have his future ruined because of you two!"

Ron had a sour look on his face. You could tell he was trying not to explode at the poor girl but somehow held it in. Harry looked okay on the outside, but inside he was scheming on how to erase Hermione's mind about this little conversation. Draco-The-Fucking-Pigheaded-Bitch-Malfoy was the biggest prick in Hogwarts, and Harry had dealt with enough of his attitude and bullying. The only thing that stood in his quest for revenge was Hermione. The best thing to do was come up with a plan and then attack the blonde dickhead.

"Okay, Hermione. You win. We won't sabotage Draco's test results." The brunette believed Harry but wasn't so sure about Ron.

"What about you, Ron? Will you change Draco's answers?"

"No. He does deserve it though." Ron grumbled. Hermione sighed in relief.

"Okay good. Well, it's late. I'm going to bed. I've had quite enough excitement for one evening. Goodnight." She said as she went up the stairs to the girl's dorms. When Hermione was out of sight, Ron and Harry began scheming.

"We need something to erase Hermione's mind, and then make her believe it was her idea to change Malfoy's results. Do you have any ideas?" Harry instantly asked the redhead.

"No. I thought you might know."

"Ron you've been in the Wizarding World your entire life, while I've only been in it for less than a year. Are you telling me you have no fucking idea on how to erase or modify Hermione's memory?"

"Nope. I don't have any ideas. I don't have any strategy. Maybe the team will think of one soon!" Ron said without a care in the world. Harry sighed.

"Ron, do you even know what are we talking about?"

"Of course I do, Harry! We need to figure out how to get Hermione on the Quidditch team, but the season is almost over. How are we going to pull this off?"

 _"This has got to be because of the brain damage I've done to him this year. It seems he can't focus on one thing for too long. No wonder he's such a damn fool."_ The black haired boy thought.

"I should have known. You really are a fucking moron." Harry said as he smacked Ron upside the head really hard. Ron didn't even flinch. Come to think of it, Ron didn't even look like he felt the smack.

"Okay goodnight then, Harry. See you in the morning!"

Ron headed up the stairs to the first year's dorm, while Harry remained downstairs. The boy was perplexed on how to proceed.

 _"Ron is absolutely useless. I can't rely on him at all unless I need him for a human sacrifice or something. (Sigh) No, I can't do that. Ginny would kill me if she ever found out._

 _Okay, so what can I do to erase a memory? Come on Potter think! Did Flitwick, McGonagall, or Snape mention anything about memory loss?"_ He thought.

Harry did his best to remember something from any of those three professors but came up empty. Even if any of them did mention something, it would have been very far back and difficult to remember. Maybe it was in one of their class books? It was certainly worth a shot and Harry knew it would be a good place to start. Right as the Boy-Who-Lived began the trek to his dorm to find the books, Harry started to feel the fatigue from this evening and almost passed out in the room. It took a lot of effort, but the boy was able to make it into his bed and start snoring loudly. There would be plenty of time to look up the intricacies of this plan later. The only thing that mattered right now was going to bed, and maybe never waking up.

The morning came too quickly for everyone, but even more so for Harry, Ron and Hermione. The three kids were quite exhausted from last night and were most likely going to be out of it during their classes today. Breakfast wasn't so bad because Harry and Hermione were able to settle with coffee, eggs, and toast, but Ron ate 17 waffles and passed out right after eating. Harry had to stun the poor fucker to wake him up, but it didn't help because Ron fell asleep again on his way to Charms Class. Harry found it strange that anyone would fall asleep while walking somewhere, but that was one of the many unsolved mysteries of Ronald Billius Weasley that he would probably never solve. After another stun to Ron, the redhead was able to make it to class.

When everyone sat down in class, the students were confused because the small dwarf that taught them was not present. Most of the students started talking amongst themselves about Flitwick's absence, but Harry didn't care. No professor meant no work, and no work meant no homework. Not that Harry had a difficult time with that anyway.

Unfortunately for Harry and Ron (because Weasley wanted to sleep, and Potter was hoping for a free period), or fortunately for everyone else, Flitwick appeared, but it was the craziest entrance he had ever done up to date.

"GOOD MORNING CLASS! ISN'T IT A GREAT MORNING FOR CHARMS?!" Professor Flitwick screeched at the top of his lungs as he zoomed into the classroom. Harry could have sworn that Flitwick was on some sort of sugar rush because he was never this cheery until after lunch.

"Umm ... Professor? Are you okay?"

"IM GRRRRRRRREAT, MISS GRANGER!" Hermione's eyes just bulged out of her sockets while the rest of the class, even Harry, were starting to get uncomfortable.

The something unexpected happened. All of a sudden, Professor Flitwick pulled out his wand that was almost as long as him and casted _Finite Incanatem_. The class was starting to wonder why the Professor was canceling a spell on himself, but their fears were soon put to rest.

"Ahh ... that's much better. I'm sure I surprised a lot of you today. Am I right?" The class nodded. "Well, I wanted to show you the effects of the new spell we are going to be learning today. The spell is called _Laetiora Leporem_. Does anyone know what that spell is?"

"I know, sir!" Harry groaned. "It's called the _Cheering Charm_! It was invented by Felix Summerbee in the year ..."

"Thank you, Miss Granger, that will be all. 10 points for Gryffindor. Now can anyone, besides Miss Granger, tell me what the cheering charm does?"

"It makes you happy?"

"That's _it makes you happy, sir_ , Mr. Finnegan! 5 points from Gryffindor. But you are correct, so I'll give you those 5 points back." Harry almost laughed.

"Now can anyone tell me what else is required for the cheering charm to work?" Professor Flitwick asked.

Hermione raised her hand again and almost fell out of her seat because of how fast she shot it into the air and lost her balance. She did dislocate her shoulder, however, so it was going to be hard to move the arm.

"Oh come now. Surely someone must have an idea?" Flitwick asked because no one raised their hand. He called on Hermione again since no one else bothered to. Hermione winced from her pain.

"The cheering charm needs ... it needs a happy ..." She continued to wince and hiss in pain.

"What's wrong, Miss Granger?"

"I dislocated my shoulder, sir." The professor fixed her shoulder immediately.

"Thank you, sir. The cheering charm needs a happy memory or something that makes them feel happy for it to work properly."

"10 points from Gryffindor for hurting yourself, but I will award you 10 points for answering correctly."

"Um, sir? If you keep evening out the fucking point system, it's going to be hard to ..." Harry tried to say.

"Thank you, everyone, for your cooperation. Now I find myself extremely tired from the overwhelming amount of energy I produced, so class is ..."

Before he could finish his sentence, Filius Flitwick's eyes closed, his body became stiff as a board, and he toppled down the pile of books he was standing on. The small gnome landed on the floor but it barely made a thump sound at all. The loud sounds of snoring came from the professor.

The students, while grateful that class was over extremely quickly, were worried that Flitwick was going to suffer from a heart attack or be asleep the rest of the day. Surprisingly, Neville Longbottom chose to go to Professor Dumbledore and report what happened to their charms teacher. The first year students were so busy trying to get out the door that they left Ronald Weasley behind. No one noticed.

* * *

Neville Longbottom began the journey to the headmaster's office but quickly realized that he had no idea where he was supposed to go. The only thing he could do was try to find another professor and inform them of what happened to Flitwick. Thankfully it was lunch time so he had all the time in the world to tell someone what happened.

Neville trekked the stairs until he reached the third floor. The boy was about to head to the fourth and warn Professor McGonagall, but something was possessing him to go to the door at the end of the hall. It was the room that Dumbledore had forbid others from going in. Even though he didn't want to, Neville pushed open the door and slipped inside.

The room was dark. Neville was scared because he had no idea what was in the room with him, so the only thing to do was use _Lumos_ and make a light at the end of his wand. That was when the Gryffindor boy saw it. The giant three-headed dog named Fluffy had awoken from his slumber and growled violently at the Longbottom boy.

"AAAEEEIIIGHHH!" Neville shrieked as the dog started barking. The student then did his best to run out of the room and go through the door, but he was too scared to concentrate so he ran right into the door and fell to the floor unconscious.

Things were not looking too good for Neville Longbottom because the last time Fluffy was fed was yesterday morning. With a watering in its mouth, Fluffy headed right to Neville and dragged him closer to the other end of the room. It only took a moment, but the shy boy from Gryffindor was devoured by the massive dog in the dangerous room of Hogwarts.

Fluffy was quite pleased from the human snack he received from what he thought was Hagrid. When the beast saw the giant next, he would give the man many many licks. He never knew that human flesh would taste so good!

* * *

"Students, I require your attention at once!" Dumbledore exclaimed later that night in the Great Hall during dinner. Everyone became deathly silent.

"It has come to my attention that we have several people missing. First, we have Mr. Argus Filch who was last seen a few days ago near the Forbidden Forest. Mrs. Norris has been seen wandering the grounds but Mr. Filch was not with her. That is not all. Ever since December, Jermey Jones, a seventh year Hufflepuff, has disappeared after taking a walk near the Black Lake. If anyone has any information on his whereabouts please inform a professor immediately. And finally, I have some terrible news about one of our own that was discovered only an hour ago. Neville Longbottom has been killed."

The students in the Great Hall immediately freaked out after hearing that news. The kids were in a panic and the staff was having a difficult time trying to get the situation under control.

"Settle down, please! Settle down!" Dumbledore shouted with the use of the _Sonorous_ spell.

"I assure you that every precaution is being taken for the safety of our students. As professors of Hogwarts, we ..."

"A STUDENT DIED AND YOU SAY SAFETY IS YOUR TOP PRIORITY? WE ARE GOING TO DIE IN THIS SCHOOL! MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS DUMBLEDORE!" Draco Malfoy yelled.

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING DISRESPECTED, MR. MALFOY! YOU ARE BANNED FROM HOGWARTS FOREVER! PACK YOUR THINGS AND GET OUT OF THE CASTLE!"

"Albus, surely this is going a bit too far? Mr. Malfoy was only speaking his thoughts aloud." Severus Snape grumbled as he approached the headmaster.

"Do not question the leader of the light, Severus! Now sit down before I have you banished from the castle as well!"

"You know, as well as I, that if I wasn't confined to this castle I would leave willingly." Dumbledore huffed in annoyance. Snape did have a good point.

"Fine! You can't leave, but you must provide extra homework assignments to all of your pupils."

"But that will take hours for me to grade, Headmaster! Surely you would rather I was skulking in the halls or making potions for the storeroom?"

Dumbledore didn't say anything as he gave Snape a death glare that warned him to back off. There wasn't any choice for the potions master. It looked like more assignments were going to be distributed to the students.

"As I was saying, GET OUT MR. MALFOY AND NEVER TAINT THIS SCHOOL AGAIN!" Dumbledore roared.

The entire Great Hall screamed in applause for Malfoy's banishment. That smug little asshole was finally gone from Hogwarts and no one, not even his thuggish friends Crabbe and Goyle, tried to convince Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore for the boy to stay. That's saying a lot about his character and proves that no one should be a bully in their school.

After Malfoy stomped away in a raging anger towards the Slytherin Common Room, the Headmaster continued his news of the major fucking body count that was piling up in Hogwarts. The best part of the whole thing was that no one suspected Harry Potter of being behind all of these deaths except for Neville.

"Children please listen. Hogwarts is a safe place where anyone can learn the fundamental elements of magic. We here take full responsibility for these tragic occurrences, and will get to the bottom of what happened promptly! Now if anyone has any information leading to the disappearance of Jeremy Jones, Argus Filch, or the murder of Neville Longbottom, please visit me in my office, or go to your head of house. To ease the tension, we will be providing every student with 100 galleons each. Go spend your newfound wealth frivolously, and do not mention these unfortunate accidents to your parents, please! Thank you all, and goodnight!"

The students cheered again in the hall for the 100 galleons that were going to be given. Naturally, every single student was trying to think of what they would buy with their money, but Harry James Potter wanted something other than money. He wanted revenge. Since Dumbledore was responsible for kicking out Draco Malfoy, Harry was personally offended by his expulsion. It was his responsibility to kick the ever loving little Slytherin shit out of Hogwarts, and now he was robbed of that opportunity! Now that Draco was gone, the only logical thing to do was take his wrath out on Albus Dumbledore.

Before the students were sent on their way, the ceiling rained hundreds of bags down from the skies. The bags of gold were given to each of the students, but more than half of the kids were pummeled heavily from the money. One of those kids was none other than Ron Weasley. When Ron stood up to try and grab his bag, the gold hit him directly in the left eye and sent him slamming below into the dining table of Gryffindor house. The body then abruptly slid off the polished wood and crumpled like trash to the hard stone floor. Everyone laughed their asses off. This also included most of the staff with the exception of Professor Snape. No one thought it important to help the redhead up, so he was left on the floor the rest of the night in the dark.

When the Gryffindor students returned to their dorms, Harry headed for the dorm room stairs but was stopped by his fellow housemates.

"Harry, where are you going? There's a party happening tonight in the common room! Why not stay?" Seamus Finnigan asked.

"Not interested."

"Why not?"

This was getting to be too much for the boy. In retaliation, Harry pulled out his wand and shot a stunner right at the Irish kid. The boy flew all the way across the room and flipped over the couch. He was knocked out cold when his squishy head smacked into the stone floor of the fireplace. The kids inside the common room all gasped when they saw Seamus hit the ground, but no one was able to determine who the attacker was. After a moment of shock and awe, the students went back to their meaningless conversations. Harry loved how the witches and wizards in this school were a bunch of fucking idiots. If he really wanted to, the Boy-Who-Lived could easily rule this school and probably smite Voldemort in one fell swoop.

Harry traveled a short distance to his room and went directly to his bed for parchment, ink, and a quill. He had gotten the intricacies of feather writing some time ago, even though he much preferred a pen. The boy would have to bring a few hundred for the next school year, but not mention this to anyone else. They were his pens dammit and no one was going to steal them!

It took only 5 minutes for Harry to finish his letter. There was only one place he was going to send this, and it was going to shake the reputation of Hogwarts for years. Even though Harry has an uneasy relationship with the Daily Prophet because of his fame, this juicy story would be too important to ignore. Even though Hedwig was watching over her master with anticipation to send a letter, the Boy-Who-Lived wanted this to be perfect. The boy looked over his letter one final time for any errors.

* * *

 _This message is for the head editor of The Daily Prophet._

 _As much as I want to sue you for slandering my name over the years, this time I am in need of your help. As of last night, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, Albus Dumbledore, has informed the students and staff of the disappearances, and possible murders, of several students and one staff member on the school grounds. The names of these possible victims are Jeremy Jones, Argus Filch, and the recently deceased Neville Longbottom. The details of his death have not been released at this time._

 _In order to silence the students, Dumbledore has bribed them with the donation of 100 galleons each. I find this act of "charity" disgusting. If Dumbledore expects me to roll over and be a good little sheep, then he is sorely mistaken._

 _There is only one course of action that seems appropriate. The public must be informed and the school must be given a proper investigation by any form of law enforcement from the Ministry of Magic._

 _If you can print this story in tomorrow's edition of your paper, then I will drop the upcoming charges I wish to press against you. I only ask for one thing before this story is printed. Do not use my name as a source. If anyone in the Daily Prophet has the stones to go after me in the press without my consent, then I will destroy you. Keep this in mind when it comes across your tiny brains next time._

 _I look forward to tomorrow's edition of your newspaper with great interest._

 _Harry Potter_

* * *

Harry was surprised he was able to form such intricate sentences and such deliberate threats to the Daily Prophet without sounding juvenile. It must have had something to do with Vernon Dursley when he sent a similar letter to an ice cream factory for his disgust in their product. The boy had looked the letter over once and was surprised his oaf of an abusive relative could be that persuasive.

Hedwig was getting incredibly antsy now, and Harry decided it was best to put her out of her misery by handing over the letter. With the speed of a bullet, the snowy owl dashed out the window and flapped her majestic wings into the night. Harry was incredibly excited for the upcoming chaos that would happen tomorrow in the Great Hall. Dumbledore would probably have a heart attack, and it would be a satisfying victory for the Boy-Who-Lived.

Yes. Tomorrow was going to be very interesting indeed.


	13. Chapter 13: Body Count Problem (Part 2)

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** The trio, minus Hermione, want to get some revenge on Draco Malfoy for getting out of detention. Neville Longbottom is killed by Fluffy when he tries to get help for Professor Flitwick who passed out from exhaustion thanks to the Cheering Charm. Dumbledore banishes Draco from the castle when the boy challenge's his ideas on safety. Harry is pissed and vows to get revenge on Dumbledore.

 **A/N:** This is probably the shortest chapter, but I wanted to get it out regardless. I hope y'all enjoy.

 **Chapter 13: A Fucking Body Count Problem (Part 2)**

"Students, may I have your attention please?" Dumbledore asked. "It seems someone has leaked the disappearances of several students in a story to the Daily Prophet, and I would like the person or persons responsible to come forward."

The students chatted amongst themselves quietly and wondered who was responsible for the leak to the press, but no one could come up with solid evidence on who was the culprit.

The morning after the bribe from the professors of Hogwarts, saw the scandal of a lifetime. The Daily Prophet painted a picture of Hogwarts as a death trap for children, and it was all thanks to Harry James Potter: the Boy-Who-Didn't-Give-A-Damn-About-Anyone-But-Also-Lived. The Potter child was smiling evilly on the inside, while he appeared to be innocent and just as shocked as everyone else on the outside.

"I see. I must confess I am disappointed that no one has come forward and admitted the truth. Very well." The old Headmaster sighed as he tried to contain his rage.

"I now have another announcement to make. As of now, all extracurricular activities are hereby disbanded for the rest of the year. The ban will not be lifted until the guilty person comes forward!"

The Great Hall erupted with anger, obviously. Most of the professors, with the exception of Severus Snape, were angered as well with Albus Dumbledore's decision to cancel all activities. This meant Gryffindor couldn't play Hufflepuff for the Quidditch Cup on Saturday, not that Harry cared, Professor Flitwick couldn't hold his end of the year choir concert, not that Harry cared, and Professor Trelawney couldn't have her pre-exam predictions for the students, not that Harry or Ron cared.

Well, maybe the last one wasn't a complete loss.

"Professor Dumbledore! I know who is responsible!" A girl from the Ravenclaw house announced aloud. The gasps and murmurs in the hall were numerous.

"Yes, child? Can you tell us the person's name?"

"It was Cormac McLaggen! He's the one responsible!" The entire hall gasped.

"WHAT?! You can't pin this on me, you bitch!" Cormac yelled. The entire hall gasped again, even Harry. Who knew McLaggen knew such colorful words? If the boy survived today, Harry would have to give the asshat a pat on the back.

Ever since the beginning of the year, Harry wanted to kill Cormac McLaggen. The boy was obnoxious because he felt he was the best student in the entire school. He was so full of himself, that everyone around him gravitated away as far as possible. It didn't bother him though, because in his tiny mind, all he could see was everyone else viewed him as the second coming of Godric himself. Harry would have done some serious damage to Cormac earlier, but he was unfortunately untouchable thanks to his father in the Ministry of Magic. That rude Gryffindor seemed to be getting his just desserts today though, and no one wanted to complain.

"MR. MCLAGGEN! CURB YOUR TONGUE!" Minerva McGonagall shouted at the young Gryffindor. Even though Cormac was still fuming from the false accusations, he wisely shut his mouth.

"Young lady?" Dumbledore asked the Ravenclaw student. "Can you explain why you believe Mr. McLaggen is responsible?"

"He was boasting last night to his friends about how he was going to expose this story to the press!"

"THAT'S A LIE!"

 _"That's for damn sure. That asshole doesn't have any friends."_ Harry thought to himself.

"I overheard him in the halls before bed!"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE PROFESSORS!"

"He wanted to bring down Hogwarts's reputation so he could convince his parents to transfer him to Beauxbatons next year."

"THAT'S NOTHING BUT A LIE!"

"SILENCE!" Severus Snape shouted at the bickering children. Both of them didn't say anything more.

"Clearly we are at an impasse in the matter, Headmaster. I would suggest we take this petty squabbling and instead make the matter a duel. The winner will be allowed to stay in the castle without blame, while the other would be banned from the castle and given the entire blame for the press finding out."

"Hmm. That is an interesting proposition, Severus, but it is not up to just me. I need the staff's decision on this as well."

McGonagall was a little reserved about a duel because McLaggen wasn't the best student in her house, and she wasn't going to be too happy if the boy ended up losing. The child in Gryffindor was also a reserve member for the Quidditch team, but for the keeper position. He may be a bit of a blockhead, but McGonagall couldn't deny Cormac's skills on a broom.

Professor Flitwick, on the other hand, was excited. Anyone who is a Ravenclaw was always offered special dueling training from him, but it was kept in secret so no other houses would know. The small man was more than confident that his student would prevail. McLaggen was going to fry!

"All those in favor, say yes." Dumbledore asked the staff.

"I vote yes." Severus announced. Harry knew there was no surprise there.

"Yes." Flitwick squeaked.

"Oh most definitely yes." Sprout cheered. Harry was surprised by the Hufflepuff head of house's decision.

"I vote yes." McGonagall announced. Everyone could tell she really didn't want to.

"Yes!" Trelawney exclaimed.

"It does not bother me one way or the other, sir." Professor Binns, the history teacher announced. The staff ignored his vote.

"Aye!" Filch announced. The entire hall turned to look at the dirty squib in shock.

 _"How the hell did he survive?"_ Harry thought. If the man got in his way again, then the boy wouldn't hesitate to put him down next time.

Everyone could tell he was very excited. Maybe he wanted to see some blood.

"Mr. Filch, while it is great to see your return, your vote does not count for you are not a teacher. Now please clean the hallways." Dumbledore informed the man. Filch was pissed and stormed off into the corridors.

"Now Professor Quirrell. What is your vote?" The sound of silence followed. The entire staff looked towards his seat and noticed he was not present.

"Professor Quirrell? Has anyone seen Professor Quirrell?" No one in the entire hall could answer that question. So not only was Neville dead but now Quirrell was missing too. This was not looking good for Hogwarts.

"Why didn't anyone notice he was missing?" Sprout asked aloud. "God knows where he is now!"

This statement only increased the amount of anxiety and worry amongst the students and the teachers. Dumbledore was surely going to get a lot of heat from this now. What else could possibly go wrong for this school?

"Does this mean Defense Against the Dark Arts class is canceled?" Hermione asked the professors at the front. Harry wanted to smack her upside the head for that ridiculous comment.

"It seems we have a teacher missing. If anyone has any information on Professor Quirrell's disappearance, then please find a teacher immediately!" McGonagall announced to everyone while ignoring Hermione's question. Snape huffed. Who cares if a teacher was missing? That greaseball sure didn't.

"Despite a teacher's absence, it seems we have come to a decision. The staff and I are in favor for a duel to commence, as long as it is still acceptable for the students." The old man then turned to each student and asked:

"Ms. Chang, are you willing to accept a duel against Mr. McLaggen?"

"I am, sir." She calmly announced.

"Mr. McLaggen, are you willing to accept a duel against Ms. Chang?"

"I am, sir. More than willing!" Cormac said with arrogance and pride in his voice. Most of the Gryffindors were rolling their eyes. He was going to lose and they all knew it.

While this was taking place, Harry Potter sat back and watched the chaos unfold around him. Things couldn't have gone better for Harry if he tried. Not only was he not suspected for the backlash of Hogwarts, but someone else took the blame for him! Even better yet, it was someone from his own house, and they were about to duel for their right to stay! Karma may be a huge bitch, but this didn't seem to apply to Harry Potter.

"Very well, children! Please come to the center of the podium and we will transfigure the front into a dueling arena!" The kids obeyed Dumbledore's orders. It took only a minute for the front to become a dueling arena with barriers around the sides. As the two children made their way to the opposite sides of the arena, Professor Flitwick, a five-time dueling champion, came forth and stated the rules for the students.

"Right. It seems we are nearly ready for the duel to begin. I wish each of you the best of luck, but please be aware of the rules. Firstly, there will be no use of any unforgivable curses whatsoever. Secondly, the match will require the both of you to only use basic or stunner spells. Third, if at any time you feel tired, you must yield to your opponent and forfeit the match. Next is the center line. If either one of you crosses this line, then the match will end and you will forfeit the match. And lastly, if for some reason either one if you is drastically hurt, we do have Madam Pomfrey on standby for medical assistance. Is that clear Ms. Chang and Mr. McLaggen?" The students both stated it was clear.

"Good. As soon as my conjured feather hits the floor, the two of you may begin the duel. May the odds be ever in your favor." Flitwick used his tiny wand to produce a feather that fell slowly towards the bottom. When the item finally hit the ground, the match went off guns blazing.

"Stupefy!" Chang yelled.

McLaggen was too nervous on what to do next because he was a first year and didn't know that many spells. The spell rocketed towards the boy with incredible speed, and he knew what was going to happen. The spell slammed straight into the forehead of McLaggen's tiny head, and propelled him all the way to the far end of the arena. As Ms. Chang was preparing to start her victory dance, she looked with horror as her opponent flew right out of the arena and crashed right into a suit of armor. This normally wouldn't be too big of an issue, but the sword in the suit's hand shook after being struck, and it landed directly into McLaggen's head, killing him instantly. Everyone looked at the display of power that just happened and shrieked with horror after Cormac McLaggen met his brutal end.

The blood rocketed out of the dead boy's head like oil from the ground. A lot of the children began heaving at the sight, while others, like Ron and Hermione, promptly threw up which caused a spontaneous chain of puking from others around them. Harry knew his stomach was stronger than most, but he couldn't deny that hearing about 200 people gag and throw up was making him feel a little queasy.

The professors rushed to the boy's side, but it was already too late to do anything. McLaggen was dead and no spell on earth could possibly bring him back to life. The only one who didn't move was Dumbledore. The old man turned his attention to the Ravenclaw student and began clapping his hands in applause.

"Well done, Ms. Chang! You killed Mr. McLaggen in the duel, and thus makes you the winner! Everyone please put your hands together and congratulate this young lady for winning!" No one moved or even responded except for the old man who was still clapping. If anything, the only thing anyone did was hang their mouths open.

"ALBUS, A STUDENT JUST DIED!" McGonagall shouted.

"Yes, Minerva, I can see that, but we must honor the duel in favor of Ms. Chang!"

"BUT NOTHING, DUMBLEDORE! WE MUST GET THE AUROR'S IMMEDIATELY!"

"Fine." Dumbledore whined and grumbled as if he was 6 and was grounded for the weekend. "Everyone return to your business. Please excuse this morning's proceedings."

The Headmaster then left with the staff close behind him. Harry couldn't make out what they were saying, but he could hear a lot of screaming and yelling going on. The boy chuckled to himself about Dumbledore being that much of an ass, and allowing this barbaric duel to even take place. The young man was pleased at how this morning went. He could only imagine what the rest of this pleasant day was going to be like.

The best part out of everything that happened this morning, for Harry anyway, was that Dumbledore got his just deserts for banishing Malfoy. He didn't really care about Draco's departure too much since he was going to do that regardless.

The rest of the day didn't have anything too great happen. Harry mainly just used his broom to fly around the Quidditch pitch for fun. If he was a normal person, then he would have practiced for the upcoming match against Hufflepuff, but since he had the most incredible luck in the universe, he didn't even need to bother.

As the boy was flying around, a flock of birds kept following him no matter which way he turned. This seemed really strange to Harry because birds don't normally pick a specific target and follow them around constantly. The wind was preventing Harry from escaping the birds, so he pulled a series of Quidditch moves in order to try and throw the annoying animals off. It wasn't working. If anything, the birds seemed to be getting faster and were hot on Harry's trail.

There was no one around so Harry could not call for help, or even maybe pull a maneuver where the birds would attack someone else as he ducked out of the way. No such luck this time.

Harry was really starting to get annoyed with the flock of birds that would not go away. As he kept flying, the boy could hear the murderous cawing from right behind him. The sounds of these beasts continued to squawk as they got closer and closer.

It seemed as if the boy's luck had run out because the birds swarmed him and turned into a hideous black cloud. As the birds started to disappear, Harry found himself being transported away through magic. It felt as if he was being sucked through a straw while moving at incredible speeds in space and time. There was nothing to do but wait and see what came out the other side. For now, the boy could only hope this venture didn't end in his death.


	14. Chapter 14: The End?

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry leaks the story to the Daily Prophet which makes Dumbledore upset. Cho Chang accuses Cormac McLaggen as the one responsible, and she kills him in a duel. Harry is abducted by a group of angry black birds.

 **A/N:** Yes this is the final chapter, and yes, I did use my actual name. Despite what's written down, I'm not writing any actual hate on myself. It's all in good fun to laugh at myself every once in a while. You'll understand soon. I don't plan on stopping Fanfiction any time soon either.

I don't know if I will do a sequel to this story, but it'd probably be picking up from the reality that Harry creates.

Also, I don't have any hate for the Fantastic Beast movies, but I don't think they are necessary.

I hope you all enjoy the last chapter. Thanks for being so supportive of this ridiculous story!

* * *

 **Chapter 14: The End?**

"Where the hell am I? Harry asked aloud.

Right after Harry was abducted by the group of black birds, he was transported into a mysterious place that looked like the inside of the library within Hogwarts, but everything was white. The books were white, the walls and ceilings were white, and everywhere just looked like it was covered in flour.

The boy immediately noticed that no one else was around so he decided to wander in hopes of finding someone. After spending some time shouting and asking if anyone was there, Harry sat down on a nearby piece of white furniture and took a short breather. That's when the strange shit started.

"Hello, Mr. Potter." A man dressed in white said as he appeared out of thin air right in front of him.

"HOLY FUCK, DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!" Harry stated as he almost had a heart attack.

"Sorry, Mr. Potter. I'm glad I was finally able to find you. You have been rather difficult to track down. Your universe is certainly more fucked up than the original, and it's been hard to shift through all the shit."

"Excuse me? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh. Yes. You're confused. No matter. Come with me." The man said as he started walking away.

Harry had to briskly walk to keep up with him. It only took a minute before the man reached a gigantic door and he pushed his way inside. The room was massive and had many different bookshelves that seemed to go on for eternity.

"Notice anything unusual about the books, Mr. Potter?" The man asked as he pointed to a few of the shelves.

"No. Should I?" Harry blankly asked. There wasn't anything he could pick out that was significant from any other book.

"Take a closer look, Mr. Potter. Go to the bookshelf on the far left and tell me what you see."

"Will this explain where the fuck I am, and who you the fuck you are?"

"Just go, Mr. Potter."

Harry was still confused as hell but decided to follow the mysterious man's request. It took a surprisingly long time to get to the farthest bookcase because the room was much bigger than the boy had originally thought. Once he finally arrived, the boy started looking at the books and started analyzing them.

"So you want me to describe them?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter. Tell me what you see."

"Okay, I can see the books are red and have Roman numerals on the spines. I can also see that the bookcases next to this one also have different colors starting with red, yellow, blue, and then green. The colors then repeat over and over again. I also notice the first book on the top shelf is missing. It just goes from 2 to 20. The bottom shelf goes to 100. So there are 100 books here, but then there's a ton of bookshelves behind this one so I'm guessing there's a couple thousand red books as well as yellow, blue, and green ones.

"What about when you read them?"

Harry was starting to get really annoyed with this guy, but chose a book and started reading. The boy chose book number 23.

The book was surprisingly light for something that looked as heavy as a textbook. The top pages were covered in dust and the novel almost exploded with magic when it was opened. The force behind the magical pulse was shocking but Harry had to put it past him to figure out what was going on.

With a small amount of anxiety, the boy turned the pages and started skimming over the plot.

"Okay, the book talks about ... the Boy-Who-Lived? What the fuck! What is this shit?" The man in white simply asked him to continue.

"I ... I can't believe it. It's all here. The Sorting Hat, Nicolas Flamel, Platform 9 and 3/4, Fluffy. What is this shit? I demand an answer!"

"Don't worry, Mr. Potter, all will be revealed soon. Would you say that this book is accurate to your life?" Harry read on. He picked out certain paragraphs that stood out to him and read them aloud.

* * *

 _"Excuse me. Can you tell me how to get to Platform 9 and 3/4?" Harry asked one of the officers near the trains._

 _"9 and 3/4? Being a smart-ass huh, kid?"_

 _"No, not this time officer."_

 _"Get out of here you brat!" the officer yelled._

* * *

Wow, this looked familiar. The next paragraph seemed familiar too.

* * *

 _"Not very nice are you, Mr. Potter?"_

 _"Not if you're going to be an egotistical prick. So where should I go? Have you already made up your mind?"_

 _"Not yet. It is difficult to place you. You do have courage, and your intelligence is quite high for someone so young, but then there's a lot of ambition in you as well. It seems that Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Slytherin would be best for you."_

 _"So not Hufflepuff then you old patched up traffic cone?"_

* * *

 _"What the hell?"_ Harry thought. _"There's no way this is a book about me. There must be some kind of mistake!"_

The boy decided to skip farther ahead and see if any of the other chapters held up.

* * *

 _"Nicolas Flamel?" Hermione asked. Hagrid started walking away and kept muttering "I should not have said that" over and over again._

 _"Who's Nicolas Flamel?"_

 _"I don't know, Hermione."_

 _"What a surprise, Ron."_

 _"Do you know anything, Harry?" The bushy haired girl asked._

 _"No, but I want to find out."_

* * *

Harry's eyes grew to the size of saucers.

"I trust you realize that this book is not just an ordinary novel? It is, in fact, a record of your life and is kept in the library of the universes." The man in white asked.

"Wait ... what?"

"This is the library of the universes, Mr. Potter. It records ..."

"Yeah yeah I got that. But why does this place keep a copy of my life?"

"Because it does, Mr. Potter. It has been this way since the beginning and will continue to do so until the end of time. There are hundreds of thousands of possible universes here, and each book details a whole new story about a different Harry from different houses. For example, in one life you were a scholar from Ravenclaw, while in another you were a Herbology Professor at Hogwarts. The possibilities are endless here, Mr. Potter, and every story is unique from one another."

"I still don't understand. What does this have to do with me?"

"It's simple. There are very few instances where someone from each universe is brought here, but each time it's related to an extreme problem within that person's universe. Each book contains a universe, and each universe has problems, but some are worse off than others."

"What do you mean by that you mother fucker?" The man sighed.

"Mr. Potter, there is no use for such vulgarity here. I find it highly immature and it will only further grow the arrogant demeanor of your character." Harry's jaw dropped to the floor.

"You can hear me swear? YOU CAN HEAR ME SWEAR?! Oh my god, this is a miracle! You have no idea how long I've wanted for someone to hear my insults!"

"Yes I know, Mr. Potter. It is one of the several reasons why I have brought you here." The man in white then handed the boy a book.

"This book here is the first one on the shelf you didn't see earlier. It is the life of the original Harry Potter who was sorted into Gryffindor. It is from this story where all other stories in Gryffindor branch off. I want you to skim through and tell me anything that sounds unfamiliar to you." Harry grumbled because he had to read some more, but did it anyway.

"Okay, the title is _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_. The Sorcerer's Stone? That rock Flamel made? What does that have to do with anything?"

"Keep reading, Mr. Potter."

The boy flipped through each chapter and skimmed over as much as possible. His thoughts were racing as each chapter continued, but he decided to announce his discoveries out loud to the man.

"Ron and Hermione are my ... his ... best friends? What is this?"

"It is still you, Mr. Potter, but only slightly different." Harry nodded.

"Draco and I duel in a trophy room? I'm not friends with Ginny? The Mirror of Erised only shows my parents? Wait ... why am I so clueless? Its like I don't understand anything! I just sit there and take it from Snape and don't fight back?! Hold on now ... this is interesting. So the man in the forest was Professor Quirrell? Voldemort was the one controlling him? Huh. I guess that makes sense. And it says here ... Dumbledore says I defeated Voldemort using ... Love? LOVE?! What kind of crock is that? Love isn't a weapon you idiot!"

The man in white chuckled at the boy's discoveries. Even in shock, the boy was still a bit of a laugh. This version of Harry Potter was one of his favorites because of how funny he was. The only thing that needed some work was the swearing. Harry closed the book and immediately drew his attention to the mysterious man.

"So this book is what my life SHOULD be, but my book is not the original story?"

"That's correct, Mr. Potter. If you could please turn to the inside cover and tell me who the author was of the original book."

"Okay fine." Harry flipped to the beginning and skimmed down until he found his answer.

"So it's someone named J.K. Rowling? Never heard of him. Why does this matter?"

"Well, first of all, Mr. Potter, J.K. Rowling is a woman and a very successful one at that. She is the sole person responsible for your creation. Without her, you would never exist, and just be a bunch of scribbles on a napkin somewhere. You owe her everything because the original Harry does."

"Okay. So did this J.K. Rowling chick write my story too?"

"No. Your book was written by someone who has an incredibly immature sense of humor. Please turn to the inside cover of your book." Harry obeyed.

"It says my book was written by Kyle R. Jenkins. Never heard of him either. Wait. This is a guy right?"

"Yes, Mr. Potter." Harry was now more confused than ever.

"The title of my book is called _Harry Potter Is A Jerk._ Sounds about right, but that's way too tame to describe me. My book is riddled with swearing and sexual innuendos, while the Rowling book is tame and written for children. Man my story is way different from the original!"

"Yes, Mr. Potter, it is." The man in white stated.

"So ... wait. If he's not J.K. Rowling, does that mean the original Harry doesn't exist in Kyle's universe?"

"Actually, no. The original Harry does exist in Kyle's universe too. The books about Harry Potter are incredibly popular in that universe. There are a lot of people around the world who love those books and have reread them several times. There are even some feature films about the original Harry Potter and a few spin-off films that are not as successful as the originals."

"Huh. Serves them right for trying to milk the franchise out even more. Spin-off films usually don't work."

"This is very true, Mr. Potter."

"Is this Kyle guy a very successful writer too?"

"No. You are some version of his twisted imagination that has been written down in the dark depths of some website called Fanfiction."

"A website? Fanfiction? You've lost me."

"Don't worry about it, Mr. Potter. Fanfiction won't be created for some time now thank god. It's nothing you need to focus on." The man in white explained. Harry nodded and started putting the pieces together in his head from what he's read in his book.

"Okay let me get this straight. So J.K. Rowling created me, and then this Kyle R. Jenkins guy wrote a completely different story about me too?"

"Yes."

"What the fuck? Why would he do this? I hate my life and it's all his fault! I've been so pissed off at everyone that it's caused me so much pain and frustration!"

"Yes, Mr. Potter, it's true. And now we come to the reason why you are here. Your book is so vile and disgusting that I have taken the liberty to bring you here. While you are here, you can rewrite this story, and make everything better. It will be as if Kyle never wrote your story and you will be in control of your own destiny. Are you interested in changing your story, Mr. Potter?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely, Mr. … whatever your name is." The man chuckled.

"Don't worry about my name, Mr. Potter." The man insisted. "Now go over to one of the desks, and change the story to your liking. When you are finished, please let me know." Harry nodded.

The boy took his abysmal book over to the nearby writing desk and began crossing out a ton of the shit that Kyle had written down. When Harry was done with his changes about a few hours later, he came over to the man in white and handed the story over.

"Are you finished, Mr. Potter? Good. Let's see here." The man said as he skimmed through the book.

"I think you'll like what I've done in my story. It's way better than my original fucked up tale."

"I quite agree, Mr. Potter. Your story is actually very good. I must say this is probably better than the first book written by J.K. Rowling. I also do like that you spared Neville Longbottom in this story, and killed off Filch in the first few pages."

"Thanks." The boy said. "So what happens now?"

"Now we get to work on the rest of your books. There are 7 Harry Potter books in all, so we have a lot of work to do before your life is changed for the better."

"Oh fuck. Well, they can't be as bad as my story. Let's get started then."

The two of them spent the next year making some heavy changes to the books that were written by J.K. Rowling. Harry spent nearly every day fixing up major plot points, character attitudes, and especially how the series ended. Even though he was glad that he and Ginny ended up together, Harry was pissed off that he named one of his kids Albus Severus Potter. After reading that, the boy wanted to dry heave. No that would never do for a kid's name.

Finally, the day came when the man in white and Harry finished the edits with the books.

"Well, that was quite a task, Mr. Potter. We have finally finished all the books and now your tale is set right. Do you agree?"

"Yes. I am so glad I changed the ending to _The Deathly Hallows_. That original ending was complete shit. Do you like mine instead?"

"Oh most definitely, Mr. Potter. I especially like the part where you ride in on a motorcycle of flames from hell, drag Voldemort into a volcano, and then have vigorous sex with 100 witches at once." Harry took a small bow in appreciation.

"Well, Mr. Potter, it seems your story is now over. Would you like to go back and live the life you were supposed to have?" The man in white asked.

Harry thought about it for a moment before giving his answer.

"No. I want to do something else first."

"And what would that be, Mr. Potter?"

"I'm going to kill Kyle R. Jenkins. I can't believe my life turned out that shitty because of him. Want to watch?"

"I will pass, Mr. Potter. Once you are done with this task, I will automatically send you back to the beginning of your first book so you can have the best possible life made for you. I wish you luck in your story, my friend. Oh and wear a condom. Having sex with that many witches will give you a ton of HIV's."

Harry nodded and waited for the man in white to open a portal to Kyle's world. Once it was open, the familiar feeling of being sucked into a vacuum tube came back and almost choked Harry. In only a minute, but it felt like an hour from the pressure of the feeling, the boy arrived in the apartment of Kyle R. Jenkins. The instant reaction was priceless from the Fanfiction writer.

"Who the hell are you? How the hell did you get in my apartment!" Kyle shouted.

"You're Kyle R. Jenkins, right?"

"Yes. Now, what are you doing here?" He shouted again. Harry pulled out his wand and began locking all the doors so neither could escape.

"You're the one who wrote this Fanfiction about me called _Harry Is A Jerk_ , right?"

"Yes ... what does that have to do with anything?!" Harry then closed all the blinds and made sure no one could see what he was about to do.

"I just wanted to have a chat is all. There are some questions I need answering before I kill you!" Kyle gulped.

"I hope you're not doing anything important, Mr. Jenkins, because it's going to be one hell of a day for you!"

Over the next few hours, Harry tortured the man until he lay dead on the floor. The Potter kid was then transported to his new dimension where his kickass story would begin. It seemed everything was going right for Harry James Potter now, and he only had himself to thank.


	15. Chapter 15: Note

So I realized something. After posting the last chapter, I gave it some time and accepted that this was going to be the end.

Well, I came back a little later and decided not to keep this ending after all. I am still going to keep the last chapter, but I am going to end the story in a much different way.

Thanks for putting up with me.

KRJ0792XX1


	16. Chapter 16: I'm Going to Cheat! (Part 1)

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry receives information from an unlikely source who claims his reality is not real. The boy is told that his life is a work of fiction, and he goes to kill the author responsible for his suffering.

 **A/N #1:** Obviously the last chapter was not the end, and was just a giant misdirected ending. I always wanted to include myself in a fanfiction story somehow and now I don't have to do that anymore. The story is not done yet.

 **A/N #2:** Happy New Year! I also hope you all had a great Christmas too!

* * *

 **Chapter 15: Of Course I'm Going to Fucking Cheat, Hermione! (Part 1)**

"What … what the hell happened? What's going on?" Harry slurredly asked as he woke up from his dream. He realized that he was no longer outside on the Quidditch Pitch, and was instead in a bed that was not his own. The boy's head was pounding and his vision was a little blurry. After putting on his glasses, Harry started to answer his own question on where he was.

"Ah good, you're awake, Mr. Potter." Madam Pomfrey announced when she appeared next to the boy's bed in the hospital wing.

"Can you answer my fucking questions, you hag?" She ignored his question and took his temperature with a magical thermometer.

"98.7 degrees. You're in perfect health, Mr. Potter, but you may still be feeling the effects of your concussion for a day or so."

"Well, that explains the headache and soreness." Harry groaned. "Why am I here?"

"Do you remember what happened, Mr. Potter?"

"I remember flying on my broom and then I was followed by a flock of birds that swallowed me up. After that, I went to a place that was all white and someone told me that this reality was nothing more than fiction. I then killed the author who wrote the story of this reality." Madam Pomfrey eyed him as if he was sprouting another head.

"You have quite an active imagination, Mr. Potter. Hermione Granger saw you flying your broom, and the birds that attacked you caused you to lose your balance and fall to the ground. The fall impacted your head and rendered you unconscious for two days."

"TWO DAYS?! It's been two fucking days?"

"There's no need to shout, Mr. Potter. The stress on your body will only cause more pain to your head. You will be released tomorrow morning just in time for your exams. I would suggest studying, but the excess strain on your head could cause more damage. You will have to do well from memory, Mr. Potter."

"Wow, that's really fucking fair. I get knocked out and now I don't get a chance to study. How am I supposed to …" Harry started to say but he realized it didn't matter because everything he wrote was the right answer. How could he have possibly forgotten?

"You know what? I think I'll be just fine with my studies Madam Pomfrey. I think I will pass my exams with perfect scores." She huffed in response.

"If you come back with perfect scores, Mr. Potter, and even from Professor Snape, not only will I graft your name on a plaque on one of these beds, but I'll give you a year's worth of Firewhisky." Harry's eyes widened and he shook the older woman's hand.

"You just lost a huge bet Madam Pomfrey. Care to make any other wagers while I'm still here?" He cheekily smirked.

"Hmmph. I think not, Mr. Potter because you still have the impossible task ahead of you."

"You'll change your mind come next year. I expect my firewhisky ready on the first of September. Oh, and I like it chilled, Pomfrey. Don't forget that."

The older woman sighed in annoyance and left to attend the other students in need. Harry was feeling somewhat tired from his fall but was still shaken up by his realistic dream. Was any of this real? Was there really some asshole out there just controlling his own fate? The boy didn't know what to make of it. Maybe the answers would come in another dream. The boy was disappointed though because now he wouldn't be able to decapitate Voldemort while riding a motorcycle and then have sex with 100 witches at once.

 _"Maybe one day."_ He thought. _"Maybe one day."_

The rest of the night passed without any more interruptions by students or professors, but Harry was restless. He wasn't worried about the exams whatsoever, but he was anxious as hell because of one factor: Ronald Weasley.

Harry, Hermione, and hell maybe even Ron knew that the boy was not going to pass his exams and there were several reasons why. First of all, the redhead boy almost never turned in an assignment and did poorly on the quizzes and tests he was assigned in class. Secondly, Ron was never a bright one because he constantly forgot things on a daily basis. The next problem was that Ron's brain received a ton of damage during this year thanks to the abuse from Harry and his "accidental mishaps". And finally, well, Ron was just a doofus. With all these factors in mind, Harry was greatly anticipating the insanity that was going to happen on the first exam tomorrow: Potions.

With not that much sleep behind him, Harry begrudgingly woke up and started to get ready for his exams. He had to walk over to the Great Hall to get breakfast, and knew that any moment a certain pair of idiots would show up and ...

"HARRY! You're okay! Oh, I was so worried about you!" Hermione exclaimed as she drew him into a hug.

Even though Harry would normally be pissed that she touched him, he had to admit that Hermione did see what happened and got help. She saved his life. With that in mind, Harry returned the hug.

"Thanks, Hermione. I'm glad I'm okay too. You know what? I should really thank you for saving my neck out there, so I'll make you a deal. Madam Pomfrey promised me a year's worth of firewhisky if I get perfect scores on my exams. When I get them, I'll make sure you get a few bottles."

"HARRY JAMES POTTER YOU WILL NOT GIVE ME ALCOHOL AND YOU WILL NOT DRINK IT EITHER." Hermione screamed as she started wailing on him with a rolled-up copy of the Daily Prophet.

"OW OW Hermione! Shit! Okay, fine forget I said anything, but I'll make it up to you somehow."

The three then made their way to the Gryffindor table and sat down to eat.

"I only want you to do well on your exams, Harry. That's how you can make it up to me." Harry nodded in response but said nothing more.

"Well, I wasn't worried. Harry's gotten out of much tougher situations and if he says he is going to get perfect scores, then I believe him." Ron said in between swallows.

"Oh, Ron. You misguided fuck of a human being. I am so glad you're here. I can't wait to hear how you're going to pass your exams because we all know your study habits are atrocious. So go on! Tell me how your brilliant mind will ace these tests!"

"Oh, I'm going to pass alright! I got a brilliant system that will work!"

"Do tell, Ron." Hermione inquired.

"Simple. I'll just copy off Hermione!" Harry laughed a little. Of course, Ron would cheat.

"You can't be serious, Ron."

"Oh I'm serious, Hermione. I feel it's better this way than trying to study. I'm not the best student ever and if I don't pass then I won't be allowed to come back next year. I really need your help, Hermione. Just let me sneak a glance every once in a while! Please?"

"I will not help you cheat Ronald Weasley! You should have studied instead of relying on me to help you pass! If this is how you plan to go through life, then you'll find it will get you nowhere fast!"

"Oh yeah? Well ... well umm ... your smartness ... brain ... is annoying!"

"Wow, that was eloquently put, Ron. You make Seamus Finnegan sound like a fucking genius, and that idiot blows up everything he touches!" Harry shot at Ron.

"Ronald, I am begging you not to cheat." Hermione said as she ignored Harry. "You'll get into serious trouble if you do."

"Oh don't be such a gnome in the garden, Hermione. I'm going to cheat, and I'm going to be great on the tests."

 _"Gnome in the garden? What the fuck does that even mean?"_ Harry thought to himself.

Hermione was about to argue with the redhead some more, but Snape passed by the first years and spoke aloud.

"For those of you unfortunate first years to have me as their first exam, head into the potions classroom and prepare for your impending doom."

Many of the students were scared in their boots, but Harry wasn't one of them. The kids all made their way to the potions class, and Snape addressed the class one final time before the exams began.

"Your final exam will be as follows. You will be given the written portion of the exam first and will have one hour to turn it in. When you are finished, you will receive a slip of parchment with a potion you must make within an hour of starting.

Be warned that anyone caught cheating will spend a night in the dungeons hanging by their thumbs with Mr. Filch. But that is after I subject you with a potion of boils that will not be removed from your face until after 24 hours.

You may begin."

The rustling sound of quills writing filled the room. Lines were being scratched and the dipping of ink was heard across every single desk. Harry stared blankly at the exam and started to write. He was thanking his lucky stars that whatever he wrote turned into the correct answer somehow. The boy looked at the pages in front of him and started to answer the questions.

* * *

 _Question 1: What are the three fundamentals of potion making?_

 _Answer: Fucking shit up, not wearing protective gear, and making sure the Slytherins get sabotaged._

 _Question 2: When making an invisibility potion, should you stir the contents clockwise or counterclockwise? Explain your reason why._

 _Answer: Who cares you dingus! Also, we don't know how to make Invisibility potions because it was never taught to us this year!_

 _Question 3: What is a bezoar?_

 _Answer: A stone from the stomach of a goat which will protect you from most poisons. See? I remembered something this year you asshole._

 _Question 4: What are the three rarest potion ingredients?_

 _Answer: Dumbledore's pubes, Snape's greasy hair, and Ron Weasley's brain cells._

* * *

The questions continued in a similar manner until all of the questions were answered. As he predicted, Harry was the first one to finish, but Hermione was a second behind him. Snape snatched away the two exams and put them on his desk. He then gave each of them a small slip of parchment with the secret potion each person had to make. When Hermione looked at her potion, she smiled and headed back to her seat. Her ingredients were already at her desk. Harry took his slip and read it in his mind.

 _The potion you will make is a vial of dung gas. Your ingredients are already at your desk. You have one-hour starting now._

Harry didn't say anything as he went back to his desk. Just like Hermione, the items required were already magically placed on his desk. This was the only part of the test that Harry couldn't fuck up because he couldn't use his cheating methods to create the correct potion. He had to make it all himself. Thankfully this potion was extremely easy as the boy had made it plenty of times this year. It was especially funny to create one and then release it into the boy's bathroom or in Filch's office.

As Harry began to work on his potion, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that more and more students were turning in their papers, but Ron was still taking his time. 30 minutes later, Harry was 75% through with his potion, when he realized Ron was STILL working on his exam.

"Mr. Weasley, you have 1 minute before you must start on the practical portion of the exam. If your mind cannot conjure the answers you seek, then I suggest handing it in now." Snape drawled.

One minute later, Ron was forced to hand in his paper and start his potion.

"But I'm not done, Professor!"

"You knew the rules ahead of time you foolish Gryffindor. Start your potion or risk failing the exam!" Ron sulked as he started his potion.

Harry finished his potion about 10 minutes later, but by that time Hermione was already long gone.

 _"She is such a show-off. It's no wonder why so many people avoid her."_ Harry thought.

Before Harry bottled his potion for grading, he put on another unbreakable charm on his vial. The boy walked up the aisle and tripped over one of the Slytherin kids' foot. She snickered and watched the Gryffindor kid go up to the front.

"Clumsy today, Potter?" Snape poked at the boy.

"Yeah, one of your asshole snakes tripped me."

"I saw nothing of the sort, Mr. Potter. It's a miracle you didn't break your vial, otherwise, I'd have to fail you for this portion of the exam."

"Well guess again, greaseball. Here's my potion."

The dark-haired professor grabbed the vial out of the student's hand and immediately threw it against the wall. He sneered and huffed before going to get the vial. When he returned, the man gave his usual one house point for Gryffindor and dismissed Harry. On his way out, Harry could see Ron's mixture in his cauldron begin to bubble uncontrollably. The black haired boy wasn't a master at potions, but even he had to admit that seeing it bubble like that was not a good thing.

On his way out, Harry started to hear the gurgling sounds from Ron's cauldron get louder and louder. Then moments later, the sound of an eruption boomed inside of the potions classroom which caused many people's eardrums to burst. Harry wanted to know where the explosion came from, even though he had a pretty good guess, and opened the door to the classroom.

The scene looked as if a hurricane had just hit Hogwarts and somehow centered its destruction only on the dungeons. Purple goo was splashed over all of the walls, desks were flipped over and some were even scorched, many of the students were burned and smoking, Professor Snape was unconscious in the corner of the room and covered in a mass blob of purple goop, and Ron Weasley, the person responsible for the explosion (just like Harry thought), was covered in purple goo, soot, his hair was standing straight up, and his cauldron was split in two from the potion bomb he had crafted. Since Ron was the only person currently standing, he dropped his broken cauldron and ran out of the room. Harry had to try his damnedest not to laugh.

It was an hour later when Harry found himself at his next exam: Charms. Ron was nowhere to be found, but Hermione had walked along with Harry on the way to the classroom. When the pair had reached the room, Professor Flitwick asked the children to take their seats.

"How did you do on the potions exam, Harry?"

"How the hell should I know, Hermione?"

"I think I passed. I mean … I'm sure I did. I don't know anymore. Oh no. This is terrible! WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE RESULTS?!"

"MISS GRANGER PLEASE SETTLE DOWN!" Flitwick roared, but because of his small size, it sounded like a loud squeak.

"Sorry, Professor." Harry snickered at the girl next to him who got in trouble.

"Good afternoon class! This is the charms exam for first-year students. On each of your desks is the exam, and you will flip them over when I say so. You will have one hour to complete the exam, which is comprised of multiple choice and short answer questions. When you are finished with your exam, please bring it up to the front, and return to your desk. When everyone has finished with their written exam, we will begin with the practical part." The door suddenly slammed open and a red-haired boy entered the room.

"MR. WEASLEY! WHY ARE YOU LATE FOR YOUR EXAM?"

"I blew up my cauldron in Potions, so I had to go to the Hospital Wing. I just now got out of the wing and ran all the way here!" The boy huffed as he tried to catch his breath.

"Well your story sounds excusable, but you were late after all. 10 points from Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley." Ron stared at the midget professor as if he was off his rocker, which he probably was. Ron returned to his desk.

"Excellent. Now that Mr. Weasley has returned, we will begin the exam now!"

The students all turned over their written exams and started with the questions. Harry looked at his sheet with glee and began scribbling anything that came to mind.

* * *

 _Question 1: What is the incantation name for the cheering charm?_

 _Answer: I can't remember because all we did was watch your stupid ass get overexcited and then pass out on the floor._

 _Question 2: How much weight can the Wingardium Leviosa spell handle?_

 _A 10 pounds_

 _B 50 pounds_

 _C 100 pounds_

 _D There is no weight limit_

 _Answer: Bite me._

 _Question 3: What is the name of the proper wrist movement for a wand?_

 _Answer: Go fuck yourself, Flitwick!_

 _Question 4: What is the most offensive spell we learned in class this year?_

 _Answer: Avada Kedavra! Too bad we didn't get to use it! Ass._

* * *

Harry and Hermione were having no problems answering the questions on the exam. Ron, however, was a different story. His answers were not looking so great, but that's what slackers get in the end. Knowing that he needed to get a move on with his exam, Ron started looking over his desk mate's shoulder, to see what he was putting down for answers. Justin Chatwin may not have been the brightest student, but Ron was willing to take that chance.

Ron tried his best to look like he wasn't cheating, but his luck was running out. First, he was nudged by Harry in the side, and then he received a scowl from Hermione when the redhead turned towards them. Ron sneered back at both of them and continued to cheat his way to the end. His answers weren't looking super great because he had to keep looking over his shoulder to see what the other person was writing.

"Okay, class time is up! Please hand in your papers and we will begin the practical part of the exam!" Flitwick announced.

Ron Weasley was sweating because he knew that his test was only somewhat done. With great reluctance, Ron passed in his exam and moved on to the practical aspect of the exam.

The practical exam was hard for the students, but that was to be expected. Professor Flitwick paired up the students at random by drawing names out of a hat.

"Okay students. Let's find out who our partners are going to be, shall we? I will draw your name out of a hat and you will be assigned to your partner." Flitwick said. He reached inside and picked two names.

"The first pair is Harry Potter and Seamus Finnegan!" Harry rolled his eyes in disgust. Of course, he would be paired with "Seamus-the-pyromaniac-Finnegan". Everything that boy touched turned to ash, and Harry was not looking forward to being a pile of cinders.

"Now pay attention, boys. The two of you will work together to keep the feather in the air as long as possible without touching the ground. You can only use _Wingardium Leviosa_ to keep the feather afloat. If you can keep the feather in the air for over a minute, then I will give you an Acceptable grade. If over two minutes I will give you an Exceeds Expectations. If you manage to keep it in the air for over three minutes, then I will give you both perfect scores. However, if the feather touches the ground before the first minute is over, then I will have to fail you for the exam. Let's begin!" The small man dwarf said.

The tiny man then raised a feather in the air and let go. The feather slowly made its way down from the air, but Harry wasn't paying attention. He was focusing solely on his partner who was probably going to fail both of them in under ten seconds. The feather was about 5 inches from the ground before Seamus spoke.

"WINGARD LEVOSA!" Harry sighed with annoyance.

Just as Harry figured, the feather blew up in Seamus' face. Surprisingly Flitwick was caught a little in the blast. This caused Harry to laugh as hard as humanly possible.

"MR. FINNEGAN! Not only do you fail your exam, but you …"

Suddenly the door to the Charms Classroom was slammed open, and the Headmaster of Hogwarts appeared.

"Professor Flitwick, the castle has been breached! Get all the students to the Great Hall immediately! Exams are hereby canceled until further notice!" The old man said and then quickly rushed away.

All of the students, minus Hermione, were overjoyed that the exams were canceled. Ron Weasley and Seamus Finnegan were absolutely grateful that Dumbledore swooped in and saved their dumb asses from expulsion due to horrible grades.

"Settle down children! Please form an orderly line and head to the Great Hall!"

The kids decided to play along with the midget's instructions and head towards the Great Hall. Along the way, everyone was wondering who could have infiltrated Hogwarts and what was going on.


	17. Chapter 17: Exams are Cancelled (Part 2)

**Disclaimer:** This story is 100% alternate universe and most, if not all, of the characters in this story are out of character as well. Also, I don't own anything by J.K. Rowling and I am not trying to steal her characters, plots, or moments within the books that she has written. This is my own story and I also claim to not copy off of anyone else's work either in the process.

 **What Happened Previously:** Harry awakens in the hospital wing after falling off his broom while flying. Ron reveals his master plan to get good grades on his exams, but it annoys Hermione to no end. The kids finish up their Potions exam and are about to finish the Charms exam as well until Dumbledore bursts in and cancels the exams until further notice.

 **A/N:** Sorry about the long wait. I took a significant break from writing and focused on graphic design work. It also didn't help that I had severe writer's block too.

* * *

 **Chapter 16: Exams Are Cancelled, Hermione! Shut Up and Fucking Deal With It! (Part 2)**

"I wonder what the emergency is." Hermione said aloud as the kids were escorted into the Great Hall.

"I honestly couldn't fucking care. I'm pissed that Seamus blew up our feather, and I'm also fucking pissed because he made a fool out of me by being his partner!"

"Well, I'm glad we get a break from exams." Ron said. "Tests hard."

"Well spoken, Ron. Next, you'll start talking like a caveman and say things like " _Me Hungry!"_ and _"Tests Hurt Brain!"_ Actually you sort of talk like that already, so I guess you're on your way kid!"

"That wasn't nice, Harry. Apologize to Ron." Hermione stated.

"Why? Does he even know what a caveman is, Hermione?"

"It doesn't matter, Harry. You said something rude, and now you have to apologize!"

"Yeah, Harry! You hurt feelings."

Harry was about to ask how Hermione how she could have heard his insult, but then he remembered that there wasn't a curse word in that sentence so he decided to go back to using them. The boy couldn't also help but laugh internally when Ron spoke in broken English.

 _"I really have no idea why I'm apologizing. This ginger fuck is an embarrassment of a human being already."_ Harry thought.

"Okay fine. Ron, I'm sorry you're a fucking caveman."

"Well. Just don't again." Hermione shook her head and sighed after Ron spoke. Harry, on the other hand, was doing his best not to burst out laughing.

"Quiet Gryffindors!" Professor Flitwick exclaimed. "If you continue to speak, I will take away points and will prevent your house in the running for the house cup!"

 _"So? It's not like anyone cares anyway."_ Harry thought.

"Not the cup! We won't beat those dirty snakes if we lose more points!" Ron said louder than he intended and it almost came off as a shout.

Harry wasn't surprised that Ron decided to blurt out his feelings instead of thinking things through, but what came next was out of left field.

"MISTER WEASLEY! 20 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR FAILING TO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS!" The tiny professor exclaimed.

Ron was so stunned that he stopped walking abruptly. His mouth was agape and then was subsequently knocked down the stairs accidentally. The boy tripped over several Gryffindor students as he slid down the steps. This, unfortunately, caused one of the students in the front of the line to trip and fall over the edge of the staircase. As the child fell into the abyss below, the sounds of his screaming filled the halls of Hogwarts.

"Oh dear, Fillius. It looks like we will have to add another dead child to our deceased list this year." Dumbledore said aloud. Flitwick wasn't listening, however.

"MISTER WEASLEY! YOU INADVERTENTLY CAUSED A STUDENT TO DIE! 1000 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" The entire group of Gryffindors groaned while Harry did his best to quietly laugh. Most of the kids would have done something harmful to Ron but decided against it in case someone else died.

"But that's not fair! How are we supposed to win the house cup now?" Ron pouted.

Most of the Gryffindors in the group turned to look at Ron as if he had started growing three heads. Didn't the boy realize he had just KILLED someone? Apparently not because the only thing on his mind was winning a shiny trophy! What an idiot.

"SHUT IT RON!" Hermione shouted at her idiot acquaintance.

"MISS GRANGER DO NOT YELL AT ANOTHER STUDENT! 10 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

"Fillius, I think that's enough."

"DUMBLEDORE, DO NOT CHALLENGE MY AUTHORITY! 100 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!"

"Oh, dear. My apologies children." There was no point in moaning any longer. Within the span of two minutes, Gryffindor went from third place in the rankings, to so low that no possible act of God could save them to win the cup.

"Does ANYONE else have something to say?" The class decided wisely not to challenge the midget's authority. Harry was considering raising his hand, but he wanted to wait and see if Ron had any more surprises.

"Good! Now everyone head into the Great Hall immediately!"

Harry, Ron, Hermione and the rest of the students walked down the ever long set of staircases while remaining in silence. That didn't mean the kids weren't thinking about what just happened, however. A student just died and the professors didn't seem all that bothered by it. Did a lot of students die each year, and an incident like that was just the norm? Well whatever was going on, it wasn't good.

 _"This school is extremely dangerous."_ Harry thought _. "It's a wonder that the first years survive at all. No one in their right mind would ever send their kid here if they were to tally up the body count from this year alone."_

Harry started to snicker because he realized he was somewhat partly responsible for the deaths over the last few months. The giant squid killed someone after Harry threw a rock in the Black Lake, the boy almost killed Oliver Wood during the quidditch tryouts, that weird figure died in the woods when the killing curse rebounded on Harry, the three-headed dog devoured Neville Longbottom, ... and that doesn't even include the dozens of times that Ron suffered because of Harry's actions. The carrot-topped fuck was extremely lucky to be alive. If there was some kind of lottery system in the Wizarding World, then Harry would have to bet his entire life savings on another kid dying before the school year was over.

The children arrived inside of the Great Hall and were the last to arrive since everyone else was inside. The crowd of students and faculty was quite boisterous.

"Attention! May I have your attention please?" Dumbledore exclaimed over the loud voices. The room finally simmered down, and the old wizard continued.

"Thank you. I have a troubling announcement I wish to make! Due to the extreme number of deaths this year, Hogwarts will have to be shut down before the summer holidays begin! There is not much time to waste as tomorrow you will all be escorted home. When you return to school in September, we will have these situations under control, but until then, Hogwarts is a danger to everyone."

The sound of silence filled the entire hall. Everyone pretty much had the same thought running through their heads. Hogwarts had to be shut down? There were too many deaths? What was going on?

"Hold on, Headmaster!" A young Gryffindor exclaimed from the hall. "You said the castle had been breached!"

"I lied. There was no breaching. I was only saying that so you kids would get into the Great Hall faster."

Immediately following this statement, 98% of the people in the Great Hall were angry and began shouting profanities at the Headmaster. Dumbledore wasn't in the mood to deal with this annoyance however, so he decided to end the debacle at once.

"ENOUGH!" Dumbledore shouted with the help of the _Sonorous_ charm. "Please return to your dormitories immediately, and begin packing your belongings! The train leaves at 9:00 AM sharp! You are all dismissed!"

With that, the students all headed back to their common rooms. Some of the students began to express their anger due to Dumbledore's comment along the way. Harry wasn't going to say anything aloud, but he did consider Dumbledore's comment unexpected and quite rude. Then again everything he had done this year was also unexpected and rude.

 _"Touche, Dumbledore. I'll have to find a way to trump that stunt before the year is over."_ The boy thought. As he was finishing up his thoughts, Harry was suddenly snapped back into reality once he began to hear Hermione's complaining.

"Can you believe it? Hogwarts is closing! This is terrible! I never got to take all of my exams!"

"You cannot be seriously concerned about exams. Right, Hermione?"

"Harry, nothing is more important than our education! So what if a few students died? I will be the head girl someday, and if I am not able to take any exams in my first year, it will kill my chances!" Harry and Ron turned to one another and had the same look on their faces. It showed concern and a feeling of weirdness.

"Wow. Hermione, you really are something else. I was expecting you to go all crazy because of not finishing your exams, but you're suggesting that kids dying is not as important as your grade in Herbology? Are you fucking mental?"

"Hermione, that dumb! Kids no supposed to die!" Ron tried to verbalize, but it came out as moronic grunts that sounded like words. Harry smacked Ron upside the head, and that seemed to have gotten his grammar under control.

"It seems we are at an impasse, gentlemen. If this is how you feel, then perhaps we should just go to bed early and talk tomorrow." The girl said this as a statement rather than a question. She then took her leave with all of the other students and pushed her way back to the Gryffindor tower.

"She needs to get her priorities in order."

"You said that earlier this year, Ron. Are you dumb or just fucking daft?"

"She needs to get her priorities in order."

"Ron, you just said that again!"

"She needs to get her …"

"Shut the fuck up you imbecile!" Harry exclaimed while being extremely annoyed. "Come on, Ron. Let's go back to the tower and head off to bed.

"But it's only 5:30!"

"Just shut up and move, dumb ass." Harry said as he dragged the boy along.

* * *

It only took an hour to get most of the kids situated and off to bed. A bunch of the older students stayed up late to get any other priorities in order, but the younger students were required to sleep. The time was now 6:30, and Ron was not happy with having to go to bed early.

"I want to play Quidditch! It's not fair."

"Ron, ya need to head to sleep. The train is comin' in tomorrow and we can't be late." The boy named Seamus stated.

"But I haven't played in over a week! If I don't get to play a game tonight, then I won't be able to sleep!"

"Sounds like a **YOU** problem, Ron." The redhead turned towards the comment. The young man was mad, but he seemed to have brushed it off.

"You agree with me. Right, Harry?" The boy was intently looking at Ron with a thousand-yard stare. Sometimes it was hard to follow Ron's logic and stay focused on what he was saying.

"Ron, you heard what the professors said. We need to sleep! Can't you keep your primal urges in check for a few more hours?" Harry asked.

"I want to play Quidditch!"

"FINE! If it will get you to shut up, then let's go out and play a game." Harry said as he gave in, effectively admitting to himself that he barely put up a fight.

At the speed of 30 seconds, Ron Billius Weasley got out of bed, threw on some clothes, and stuffed his fat feet into his worn-out shoes.

"I'm ready! Let's go!" Harry rolled his eyes. He wasn't going to get dressed for this stupidity. The only reason the boy was going was to see Ron get in a lot of trouble.

The redhead flew down the stairs, and Harry followed him whilst grabbing his invisibility cloak, and keeping up at a slow pace. By the time Harry got down the stairs, he accidentally ran into an annoying bookworm that also had no idea he was coming.

"Harry! You shouldn't sneak up on people like that!"

"I didn't, Hermione. I merely went down the stairs, and your freakish brain informed you to get startled by the mere sight of me."

"Did I see Ron leave just now?" she asked while ignoring Harry's unheard comment.

"Yeah, he was going out to the pitch to play some Quidditch. I told him to wait, but you know how impatient and simple-minded he is."

"Harry, no! We need to stop him from going outside! There could be a lot of danger out there." Normally Harry would just ignore this bullshit and continue on his way, but it seemed to coincide with his plans rather well.

"Fine. Let's go then." Hermione nodded and headed off through the Common Room door.

It was no surprise that Ron was nowhere to be seen on the stairs or farther down below. As Harry and Hermione traversed downward, the two were suddenly appareled away to the darkroom on the third floor where the three-headed dog, Fluffy, was sleeping. Understandably, the pair of children were confused.

"How in the fucking hell did we get here?" Harry asked.

"Why are we here? I thought we were going to find Ron?" Neither one of the kids seemed to have gotten an answer, however, because a familiar voice rang out in the room.

"Hello? Harry? Hermione? I'm scared of the dark and I can't find my way around here! Please help! There might be some spiders!" Ron exclaimed.

"Stay where you are, Ron! If you're lucky, only a few spiders will poison you!" After hearing the boy squeal like a baby pig, Harry burst out laughing as hard as he could.

Unfortunately, the next part came out of nowhere. The redhead decided to run full speed into Harry and Hermione in order to try and get out of the room, and as a result, the three kids were sent to the ground with a thud.

"Watch where you're going, Ronald!" Hermione shouted as she got up.

"What the hell was that for?" Harry asked.

"Sorry! I was scared of the spiders! I didn't want … " Ron tried to finish his statement but he was interrupted by a huffing sound and a growl.

As the kids started adjusting themselves to the darkness in the room, the three-headed dog Fluffy awoke from his slumber and barked ferociously at the children. While Ron and Hermione screamed their heads off from the scare, Harry did his best to take care of the dog. At first, the boy had no idea on how to beat the giant dog, but a few seconds later went by and he came up with an ingenious idea.

"WINGARD LEVOSA!" Harry cried as he shot out a spell from his wand. Instead of deciding to cast the levitating charm, the boy purposely pronounced the spell wrong, just like Seamus did earlier that year, and the dog exploded into a million pieces.

"AAAEEEEIIIGGHHH!" Ron screeched as he fainted to the floor. Apparently he wasn't used to seeing blood. Or guts. Or anything gruesome really. Harry assumed Ron would be out for the rest of the night, and didn't bother to move his clumsy body as he would have.

"WHAT WAS THAT, HARRY?!" Hermione asked while trying her best to not die of a heart attack.

"I killed the dog, Hermione. Even an idiot could see that."

"Why did you kill, Fluffy?! That was completely barbaric!"

"I wanted the damn thing gone, and since he killed Neville earlier this year, I felt it was poetic justice to take care of this beast."

"How did you do that spell? What was it that you cast?"

"Remember back when we first learned the _Wingardium Leviosa_ spell in Flitwick's class?"

"Yes, I remember that lesson quite well. From what I remember, you were having a difficult time trying to get your feather to float. I, however, was able to get the charm in under …"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP HERMIONE!" Harry angrily cursed. "Please answer the question. Do you remember or not?"

"I already said I did. What of it?"

"Do you remember what happened with Seamus?"

"He had trouble getting the incantation to work. His feather kept burning up and …" She said while trying to put the pieces together. It only took her 10 more seconds to figure out what happened. "YOU BLEW UP THE DOG?!"

"Finally the great genius figured it out."

"You can't kill a dog, Harry! That's horrible!"

"Bite me, Hermione. The dog was about to eat us, and if I hadn't done anything, we would have ended up as bones in here."

"BUT YOU CAN'T JUST KILL A DOG, HARRY!" Hermione screeched. Harry was starting to get really annoyed with his bushy-haired friend and decided to take care of this problem before it got out of hand.

"This is fucking annoying, Hermione. Hopefully, this will keep you quiet." He said as he raised his wand at her. " _Petrificus Totalus!_ " Hermione's body snapped itself together into a magical body bind and prevented her from moving or speaking as she fell to the ground.

"Thank god that's over. Now maybe I can get some peace and quiet around here." Harry said.

The boy started to move towards the door of the room and head back into the Common Room, but as soon as he touched the door handle to leave, the child was apparated away to another place that he had no desire to be in.


End file.
